I wanna run away.

Think I can fly
Think I can fly when I'm with you
My arms are wide
Catching fire as the wind blows
I know that I'm rich enough for pride
I see a billion dollars in your eyes
Even if we're strangers 'til we die

I wanna run away

- Runaway (U&I) by Galantis (Kaskade Remix)

The above depicts my current mood. I cant believe my mom would not let me hang out with whoever i want to. bloody hell. her mindset pisses me off.

this morning i went to ask her permission if i can hang out with a friend of mine in lippo puri since he is left stranded in the mall all by himself as his mom is having a meeting. as expected, she answered 'no' with the most disgusting tone you can think of. i knew it's coming sooner or later because she got this inexplicable chiong with the guy (-_-)

and she would come up with all sorts of reasons why i should not spend the time alone with him because of that stupid basis that she cannot even explain herself. i mean come on: i AM ALMOST 20 YEARS OLD, and if i were to stay this way forever whenever im in jakarta i can kiss myself goodbye to having a 'normal' teenagehood. 

and it's not like im having a crush with this guy or something. how am i not supposed to get mad if i feel imprisoned in my own house.

 "oh yea its totally fine if youre hanging out in a group, but if it's just the 2 of you i would not allow it to happen"

i can scream at this total nonsense but i choose to write it in my blog cos im too intelligent to have an endless conversation in this topic. it would just be a total waste of energy and my fucking emotion. fuck it. and i can write whatever i want in this blog because this is my own space where she cant even get in. fuck society. fuck social expectation. 

it is understandable if ive got to do other things, but currently im totally free for the entire fucking day and she doesnt even let me to catch up properly with this friend. im running out of words to curse so i cant curse no more. she thinks shes doing me a favour. oh dear youre just a pathetic human being whos so heartbroken with your own shit and overthink a non-existent problem.

anyway ive been replaying this RPM song for like 5 times this day. especially the chorus part when the beat goes crazy. its my number 1 RPM song which i can spend 100% of my energy because ive never been so free.

that's it for now.

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how to deal with university rejections and uncertain scholarship application.

the answer is simple: isolate yourself in the room, write your thoughts in the blog (because blog really listens and does not judge), tune in to the most mellow coldplay songs, and weep.

honestly im so done with people telling me that "there will be some other opportunities available for you out there" or "god has a different plan for you". all i need is an acknowledgement that my current situation sucks. there is simply no need to add positive message at the end to make me 'feel better'. because it doesnt help. and it merely showed how ignorant you are to my feelings.

okay so as per now i have 3 conditional offers from UK: manchester, edinburgh, and UCL. 1 deferral from princeton. zero news from imperial. rejection letter from cambridge.

errrrgh i dont know how to feel about this rejection letter. ive gone through the interview, the assessment test, and it makes sense to get some sort of reward for sucking all up right. but the world is not a wish-granting factory, my friend.

i would probably render this university issue stupid in the near future, but it only makes plenty of sense to dwell in my sorrow today. writing helps to clear my head and figure out my next move.

it seems that i will have to start put my mind into UCL afterall, browse more about their culture, accommodations, exam style, etc. i should be excited about moving to london right? i mean, ive idolized one direction for almost 3 years -- at least i could adopt a british accent once i got back home.

perhaps the lack of familiarity towards the college throws me off. right now i have zero idea of what UCL is (i applied only because of the ranking). moreover what REALLY caused me extreme anxiety is the students themselves. a friend of mine said that UCL (and imperial for that matter), are filled with rich kids who often splurge their money overseas. this stereotype does actually hold some truth since anyone who attend the college need to pay a hefty amount of tuition fee. something that my dad would have to fork out half-heartedly. i dont want to turn into some borju kid in london. im scared that i wont have any friend to hang out with. in addition to how much i dislike the education system. oh my goodness im going to have a hard time convincing myself to willingly go there afterall.

my scholarship journey also has another problematic issue. i just had a phone call with ruo ming, my chij senior who did get the changi scholarship last year. after listening to my plans and intended career path, she was not sure herself that changi is meant for me. im far from being flexible and open minded about working in changi for 10 years or so, switching 180 degree from returning to indonesia and do what i want most.

ive bought a ticket to singapore to attend the first round of the test, so i had no choice but to still sit in despite everything i learnt today from ruo ming.

i fucking hate unplanned life, but it is something that i need to get used to. I CANNOT PLAN AHEAD MY OWN LIFE. and when i lose control of something i deemed important in life, i feel so messed up and insecure. and its crippling.










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mari kita berbahasa indonesia

untuk blog gua kali ini.. kita pake BAHASA INDONESIAAAA yeeeeey (sorry international friends this post aint for yall to read). sengaja pake bahasa indonesia karena inggris gua udah masyaoloh tercampur bak rujak ga keruan karena keseringan ngomong indo dan baca koran indo.

keseharian gua liburan kali ini cukup simpel, bangun pagi sarapan, bantu ngepel-ngepel, kadang masak, kadang suruh gosok lantai garasi. trus tuh siangan gitu gua bakal ngegym di fitness first TA sama tetangga gua axiom atau nyokap gua. eh udah sore trus waktunya baca-baca novel dan nonton tv. hidup, sangatlah simpel.

gua udah kebiasaan sama rutinitas gua yang super produktif versi indonesia sampe udah ga mempertanyakan apa yang gua pengen buat taun 2017 ini.

yang satu, kayaknya gua harus banyak berusaha mengembangkan ilmu gua deh. mungkin ntar ambil online course, harus bisa coding atau belajar bahasa jerman. biasanya sih pengen2 doang tapi ga pernah sampe tuntas. ntah kenapa di indo ga ada tekanan buat perform.dua minggu lagi gua bakal terbang ke singapur (lagi) buat interview scholarship changi. mulai agak panik sekarang.

nah gua mau curhat soal proses diet gua yang tak kunjung menunjukkan hasil yang memuaskan. proses diet itu (kata orang di yutub) sangatlah panjang dan melelahkan. KARENAAAA makan harus diatur, olahraga harus rutin walaupun lu bosen setengah mati. yes. gua sudah mulai bosen.

kenapa ya bosen. mungkin karena tiap hari perginya sama nyokap sampe ga ada bahan pembicaraan, mungkin karena gua latian sendiri sementara dia bakal ikut class, gua juga ga tau. lifting weights katanya bagus buat toning badan, tapi yaelah bosen bro setelah 4 hari. gua sih ikutin si fitness blender punya channel ya, gua ikutin aja si kelly ngapain. hebat banget gitu ya dia bisa rutin olahraga sampe fit. gua super inspired sama before after video dia. kayaknya dia tuh humble banget, dan kerasa kalo sebenernya wajar2 aja kalo semua orang punya masalah body image.

sebenernya seminggu yang lalu gua sempet depresi diem2 karena nyokap gua suka ngebatasin makanan gua. sampe gua takut tau ga si makan. soalnya dia suka bilang
- "nasinya ga usah dimakan"
- "gila kamu makan pagi udah banyak ngapain makan lagi"
- "udah setengah porsi aja"

dari perspektif gua sebagai anak ya, gua juga ga seneng sebenernya kalo makan diomelin. gila gua pengen kue lapis sepotong aja dimarahin coba, gimana ga depresi. kalo makan makanan dari kulkas, gua harus tunggu dia 1). pergi dari rumah atau 2.) mandi di lantai atas. SUMPAH GUA TAKUT BANGET dan rasanya ada perasaan BERSALAH setiap kali makanan itu masuk ke mulut gua. hidup kayak gitu bener2 ga enak guys.

padahal dari sudut pandang gua, makanan gua tuh ga overly banyak gitu loh. gua ngga makan sampe kenyang (GA PERNAH GUA NGRASA KENYANG. cuma 'gak laper lagi'). trus yang bingungin nya, dia suka kadang2 nyuruh2 gua makan yang ga sehat gitu. malem2 ditawarin snack lah kadang2, minuman manis disodor2 in lah. mana gua ga bingung? kalo gua tolak yang begituan berarti harusnya bisa makan 'snack' ala gue dong? gua udah korbanin tau ga makan coklat cuma sekali seminggu. trus kue lapis surabaya gua makan sepotong sehari. tapi parahnya masih diomelin tiap kali dia liat gua makan itu lapis surabaya. gua legit super bingung.

suatu saat gua ga tahan lagi dan end up nangis tanpa sepengtahuan dia. pas gua ke mall gitu ceritanya, siang2 jam dua, gua belom makan dan emang mau pergi gym. gua udah agak laper, tapi nyokap belum laper. daripada gua bilang gua laper ntar diomelin mending gua diem. bayangin guys, gua saking takutnya. sampe. ga berani bilang. kalo gua. laper.

trus barang nyokap tanya gua mau makan apa, gua jadi ketakutan. tanpa alasan! dia bilang "di cp mau makan apa?" trus tiap kali gua di depan restoran nya, gua jadi takut sendiri dan end up bilang "gak jadi deh".

alhasil gua tahan sampe sore deh si kelaparan itu. jujur gua takut banget ga beralasan. rasanya tuh kayak diterjang ombak kegelisahan yang super bikin stres dan paranoid gak jelas. untung besoknya gua biasa aja. shania bilang gua harus belajar masuk kiri keluar kanan. ya udah deh. gua ga pernah berani ngomong kalo gua punya masalah ini, kesannya kekanak2 an ya bisa takut sama makanan tapi pada saat yang bersamaan makan kalo ga ada orang yang ngliatin. kalo gua bisa menilai diri gua sendiri dari luar badan dan psikologis gua, gua bakal cuma geleng2 kepala dan bilang: bego.

tapi inilah kenyataan.

anyway cape ah gua. udah dulu ya.












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2nd january.

it's the third day that four of my distant cousins stayed over in my house. and i barely had a second to just be with myself yknow. im stuck with them for like every second of the day except when i slept (we even shared room so the only effective time i had for myself was when i doze off. it's horrible.) i couldn't read my books, watch my own movies, cook my own meals (because we always eat out to accommodate 6 people in the house). it's been really unsettling for the introvert me.

even if i went to the gym, i still had to listen to the music played in the gym (be it house music, rap, what shit not). my goodness, id like to listen to myself playing the guitar or just the classical music -- it would help to cool my frustration down.

as im writing my blog rn, the 2 of them are playing ipad NON-STOP. added with the endless giggling, my ears are officially tired. im even more concerned with my mom who had been tirelessly driving everywhere and coping with every kids in the family. she's the real hero man.

anyway, i read something that quite was quite bothering from Indonesia Etc. I thought of writing my thoughts down before i totally forgot about them:

1. the indonesia ive 'considered/recognized' so far is just jakarta, and nothing else. the outskirts of indonesia is at the other end of the spectrum, unbeknownst to many people who have lived quite comfortably in the giant bubble called city life. they still practiced their adat. Their adat has never made quite any sense, but be sure that one day, i need to deal with them if i were to implement anything in the outskirts of indonesia.

2. corruption is inevitable. apparently people living in the outer islands mostly desired to don the beige uniform with glistening badges pinned on it. working in a civil service is a dream job for many, and they are willing to do everything that it takes to be one. it is indeed costly to become one, often one has to borrow money to finance the campaigning and oc 'money politics'. hence once theyre in power, they had no choice but to corrupt as the basic salary of 500 usd per month is insufficient to return the money they had borrowed earlier. so a mental note to myself one day, there is a need to reform the method of campaigning. now i see why ahok is doing the fund raising thing today. mental reformation is needed.

on the side note, my cousins are bloody annoying. they're jumping all over my room when my mother is trying to sleep. i confirm dont want to have my own child. i cant even tolerate them omg theyre so restless. im watching an R rated movie in my laptop now and i cant even watch it without pausing it every 3 seconds because the smallest one would come to me and ask "when are you going to sleep". at this rate im going to finish my 3 hour movie in 5 hours time.









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wah 2016 ended already.

it feels as if i just did my 2015 reflection 4 months ago or something. a lot has changed since then, the people whom i care about also change. im not in the mood to write a very lengthy post, but since ive promised myself a year ago that i would do this every year, i suppose it is a must to at least add another post before this year ended.

2016 passed by very very SLOWLY. and to sum up in 1 word, it is filled with a lot of MUGGINGs. im not even kidding, it is a torturous year.

the year began with an immense stress resulted from H3 lesson in NUS. i enjoyed every second of it of course as seen from my h3 post earlier this year, but vjc in turn became a hell hole in which i abhored with all of my heart. it began to dawn on me that vjc teachers were just less caring and personal. mrs chan was just a total failure since j1, ms lee was as robotic as ever, ...

anyway my point is simple: people live to save themselves. me included. i didn't give much shit to my classmates who were struggling with their studies since i had to save my own ass. i became a much quieter version of meidy -- a big contrast from 2015 because i just had to save energy for MUGGING (told you that 2016 was just filled with mugging).

come CT1 i remember i screwed up so badly until i thought that my life is over.

oh another highlight from 2016 is that i took a history tuition with mel (melissa teh). i was so desperate to save my ass in history, so i asked haili to join me so that we could get a cheaper price (both of us were desperate to improve our grades). heaven sent down the tuition offer through a whatsapp broadcast which i received from my class group (strangely). i didnt think twice to beg my mom to agree and provide me with extra money (because MOE money is insufficient).

mel is just .... a genius. she topped history FOR EVERY SINGLE EXAM SINCE J1 i mean what kind of sorcery is that. she taught us how to break down the material, which dates to remember which movements we need to memorize and what are the significance. the way she broke down an overarching question was amazing. she just knew the materials very well and could come up with unthinkable lines of argument. i was so inspired to spend as much time as she did in history. and i really did. i spent disproportionate amount of time in history until i neglected other stuffs. i started to understand the materials and actually took real interest in it, especially the Southeast Asian history. learned so much why some countries are more successful in others in terms of economic progress, national unity, or political structure; why colonial suppression has different outcomes in different countries; and how much indonesian history has been half distorted in my own country (we barely discuss history beyond declaration of independence).

jc history was the only subject that i looked forward to every day. things would be different before exams tho. i would be so stressed out and often regretted my decision to take that content-heavy subject until i wanted to pull my hair out... but in the end regardless of the stress, i ended up scoring higher than i thought i would. i hate boasting but since im talking to a non-existent reader, its fine to let out my inner ego. i was first in cohort for my history CT2 exam! It was beyond my expectation and i was so so so so so so proud of myself to see that ive come so so so so far from the bottom 36 percentile to 100. it was the proudest moment in life to see the 3 digit in vcsd. hard earned, but worth it.

omg i was just talking about history for like 2 long paragraphs. lets move on.

enough about grades, i shall talk about my friends. i barely cared about my classmates (quite disgusted at my 2015 post now). drifted away from my 2 close friends in the class due to my own fault (and partially theirs).

i also grew damn super extremely close with my roommates (h2-06-06 YEAAAAH). i still walked to school with shania every morning (something which really helped me to handle my frustration with the class). the four of us drank booze 4 times (i went drunk on sasa's birthday IM GONNA REMEMBER THIS FOREVER. YEAR 2016 IS THE YEAR IM FINALLY DRUNK *confetti*) it was damn fuuuuunny i got my legs half-stuck in my desk and i looked like im getting a blow job from the chair so its DAMN FUNNY *cough*. anyway.

aiyo what else ah 2016 wasn't so great thats why i dont do best 9 in instagram.

oh we went for a family trip on a cruise! to phuket langkawi and penang with my bro sis mom mom and dad. i LOVEEEEE TRAVELLING. since none of the rest of the aunties (my mom's friends) were interested in exploring langkawi, my mom and i set to conquer langkawi islands in 8 hours. we went to this super dodgy dilapidated tourism service and rent a speed boat for 35 ringgit (DAMN CHEAP) to visit 3 islands. we were picked up by a very old van (which had a hole which allows the water puddle on the street to enter INTO THE CAR) short story ITS SO DODGY. im too scared that i were abt to be abducted so i was so quiet all the way. we reached this super ulu kampung place by the beach to get into the speed boat with a bunch of other people (thank goodness i have another female company and a friendly indian tourist whom we met in the same dodgy tourism centre).

BUUUUT the island hopping experience was super priceless.

oh shit since 2016 is ending soon in 10 minutes time i need to post this now before the year changes. in short, 2016 is boring, i hope 2017 will be more exciting. given that im starting off a new life, im pretty sure it will.












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singapore education from a perspective of an indonesian.

dear non existent readers,

do you know i should have abandoned school uniform 2 years ago? yea, singapore education made me wear school uniform for another 2 years when my other indo friends have started enjoying 2 years of their university life. im a late bloomer. all that being said, i just finished the gruelling A levels and now i am free from the singapore education contract i signed 4 years ago in that hotel room. not that im happy, but im definitely proud to see how much i have become these last 4 years.

i guess it's time to have a dedication post for my singapore education journey. 4 years seem short in indonesia because nothing much would happen. in singapore it is entirely different. it's filled with both good and not so good memories, stretching me into a more mature, intellectual, and inquisitive Meidy.

i've grown to care more about my surroundings. in singapore i learn how to deal with different types of people -- those that i have never interacted with before in my life. in jakarta i was living in a pretty much protected environment, so i was not particularly aware of these different types of people with different culture and mindsets. the exposure to friends from across the asia, and even across different towns in indonesia, has opened my eyes to different story lines that were to converge into 1 through this 4 years. singapore education is a magical place to bring people together. i suppose any experience of studying abroad is indeed priceless.

it offers you the freedom to choose whatever you want to do, and such liberty would be something that i greatly miss in the next 8 months of holiday. i can go wherever i want without needing adults to accompany me or to tell me that i should not do this or do that. i manage my own spending, so i can splurge on things that i like without feeling guilty (or embarrassed). i have never been very confident about trying out clothes in front of my mother because she would comment that 'im too fat for that' which would bring my self-esteem down. i rarely bought clothes for myself, but id like to splurge on food and books. controlling your own spending (you know singapore government pay us 2500 sgd per year to study? hmm lol) to contribute to the growth of economy is so fun and liberating.

i can go out with guys without needing my parents consent. lol. ive been to cinemas with guys like 5 times HAHAHA (and im very proud of it). if i were to stay in indonesia they would have to pick me up with their own car, or my mom would have to drive me to the mall. and i would feel damn guilty coz it's not socially acceptable y'know. like what the heck youre not even officially together and yall go out like that LMAO. night walk around the CBD area or suntec is super romantic, or along the clark quay lol i just feel like an adult every time i did that with someone :)

i learn a lot of things about human relationship. ive set my mind to be the kind of person who is straightforward (like anna akana oh geez she's my youtube idol). im done with mind game man. it's too downright tiring. last month i did something thoughtless (....). i confessed to my best friend just before As despite knowing that he won't consider me more than friends :s i didn't regret though. i think he just deserved to know that i liked him so the result is not really what i was looking for. so yea he answered no. at least i got guts to take in charge of what i want in life, so thumbs up for that meidy :)

i discover more about myself too. i learn that i only like to talk to certain type of people. i like it when people ask me the 'right' questions (figure out yourself whats the right question). after awhile i stop feigning my interest in the things that don't interest me. im more comfortable being surrounded by extrovert person (but not people). i like small group interaction, sometimes one-on-one when im very comfortable with the person.

i gained 10 kg after i came to singapore HAHAHA because i miss indo food a lot so i snacked a lot (last time). now i have stopped snacking THAT MUCH so the 10 kg is still stuck, but im gonna lose it again man. watch me.

singapore makes me exercise. i enjoy jogging, swimming (at this point swimming is my favourite sport). i enjoy travelling also. i like going museums, because they are all free for students! or very cheap la. singapore scenery is very pretty, unlike jakarta.

to be honest, i have integrated myself far much more than i thought i would. i'm the third culture kid. not even sure if i still fit in indonesia anymore for the next 8 months. it will be damn tough, then i would continue my studies somewhere else (hopefully the states). feeling so displaced i guess is normal, but it's compounded by my 'problem' of not being able to engage in small talks.

well, 7 more days to returning for good. i dont know how to feel about it tbh. bye for now.












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superiority complex.

i swear i feel very very weird today. as if im not being my usual self. i think it has something to do with my friend telling me that i have superiority complex. it sorts of gets into my mood and behaviour, making myself conscious of everything that i have done in the past. and as i reflect more and more about my life, i withdrew myself from the crowd, isolating myself -- again.

a few days ago i took the meyers brigg- carl jung personality test in 16personalities.com, and it showed me that i have an INTJ personality. it's written that the world's population only have 0.8% women with this personality -- which makes it difficult for people like me to really connect or mingle with people. the test reinforced my preconceived notion that i am just weird and think more differently from others. it's normal for people to not understand me, mistook my intention, and find that sometimes i am too 'cool' or 'unapproachable'.

this should be something that i really need to fix, but instead due to my (so called) superiority complex, i actually see them as my strengths and even prefer to keep them instead. i do not like to please people, so i just went on my own way, doing the things that i think is correct, etc. if i am not comfortable with people, i would just shut down and not talk. i don't care if people think im anti-social, awkward, cynical. Maybe I am, but i just don't give a shit. or perhaps i do?

Superiority complex calls for an aloof attitude towards one's own weaknesses because one just wants to conceal them. it's a psychological disorder where the person is in conflict with his or her own weaknesses and try to dismiss it outwardly, but in truth, deeply insecure inside. i swear i think i might have one.

my roommates have agreed that i am the most socially secure human being in the room. my classmate think i have a strong personality. my cca friends think i am confident. perhaps it is just a facade.

i really have no idea how to differentiate a person who suffers superiority complex and someone who is just... confident. i partly blame my emotional development to my dad and my arch enemy from secondary school. both of them made me so insecure about my life, until i am so tired and disgusted with myself, hence i have been consciously trying to reinvent myself after the 2 incidents. yes, i think i'll blame them for all these.

right now i just want to stay away from people. i didn't feel like talking to even my closest of closest friends anymore. I THINK THIS IS PMS. yes this should be pms oh god why every month i have to be emotional for different reasons. can i just be emotionally stable and stop having mood swings.















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we all have social insecurities.

hi there, it's been 6 months + after the last post. jc2 has been really busy with exams, one after the other, hence i couldn't really spare much time for writing anything substantial aside from probably using my spam for a short paragraph on things worth telling.

today marks the end of my non-stop 2 months of mugging for prelims. things didn't go so well as i thought. screwed up my physics paper 2 (it was fucking easy and i was too tired so i got so many unnecessary careless mistakes), math paper 2 (blame the draining chem paper the day before), and the whole chem paper (vj chem is notoriously hard). i wasn't too pleased with myself, but if i were to change anything for the last 2 months, i wouldn't do it in any other way (i would still slack and have fun with my roommates, although i could have used that time to mug or something. they're too precious). anyway, im glad it's over.

now i want to talk about the social insecurities i have (for far too long).

basically, i can't even tell who i am anymore. what my personality really is. i feel like i am never the same person around different people. and im really anxious about how people perceive me.

let's start with how i would behave in front of my number one girls, my roommates. i live in a four-bedded room, with shania, ester, and sasa. i think they are the people i can be fully 'myself' most comfortably with (although this is debatable because i don't even know if that 'self'' is my real self). no one would believe how shameless i am in this room. i would talk to toys. i would fantasize weird things like how my bear is giving birth to an mini size bear (which is drawn on an egg) through her belly button. i would fart loudly. i can tell them about all the things i see, watch, read, without ever being judged AND, (most importantly) getting feedback and more insightful comments from them. they know my weird family history. they know my arch-enemies. they know my best buds, and their weird fetishes. they know my problems. they know everything. they know me better than anyone in this world so far. im really sad to see that i have to leave them all in 2 months time. they make me happy when we are all stressed out for exams. no matter what, we would still have things to talk about, although we see each other for 24/7. for once, i felt like i really have really amazing and meaningful friendships with people.

next, let's discuss about how i behave in the classroom. my classmates think im super serious and hardworking mugger. i don't talk much. im a bit scary because i (seem) to not care about how people think about me (sometimes i eat alone and appear not to give shit). it's damn difficult to talk to me coz i seem to be disinterested in whatever they're talking about (it's true. i am disinterested). i can never be myself around them. i build a wall, it's a giant one. i don't like hiding behind the wall, but i cant even bring them down myself.

whenever im around jinjing or tianke, im gonna be another different person. im quiet, but sometimes talkative. i try to be cheerful and crack jokes, or gossips. but these less meaningful conversations will die away in 10 seconds. i cannot be crazy. i constantly feel that im trapped in this semi-myself mode. i can talk to them about my problems, or philosophical stuffs, but once it's exam time, we all couldn't help each other to stay sane. i would end up being depressed, surrounded by depressed people who cannot dig themselves out of their deep shit. and im influenced too. i usually distant myself away from them during darker period, as i just want to stay motivated. this sounds like im a horrible friend who's only around whenever people are happy, but i have tried to stay, really. it just doesn't work that way. but i still think they're good friends of mine, but maybe not someone whom i would like to spend everyday with.

whenever im around my cca friends, things are slightly better than class. i can be fully chatty and boss around (like i can just order aaron to do whatever i want HAHAHA). things are fun, people are more open to each other, and conversations have never turned into some darkish mood because we leave our school problems aside once we play music. it's heartening to have friends who would open up about their fun sides. and ill be fun with them too. people like haili, or jon and reuben. i would always treasure them with all my heart.

you see, i switch personalities very easily. actually, to be honest im just very different person in the class (although i used to not be like this), but i just wish to connect with people like my roommates and cca friends more frequently in life. who knows whats going to happen in uni man. but, i just hope that i'll find more sets of friends who can go as deep as my roommates in our friendship.

this blog post is shitty as fuck. lost all my flair for writing already.















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closing yet another chapter.

i still remember the days when i dreaded h3 so much during december hols. anticipating so much agony from the possibility of having to return late from school and face intellectually demanding concepts, i braced myself for yet another challenge unknown and stepped into that plane heading back towards Singapore. I looked out from the window next to my seat, somewhat knowing that i shall miss my homeland and the comfort it offers for the next 4 months.

I thought h3 will be an endless burden and source of frustration for the next 4 months. I should have believed my mom that i will somehow manage it anyway. And she's right. Here i am now, just a stone throw away from finishing my module.

Initially it was tough. As prof said just now: "stage 1 of learning is not knowing what you don't know". I realized physics is so much more than force, pressure, or projectile motion. When they meant Modern Physics, they really meant SUPER ABSTRACT STUFFS. I was so amazed and inspired after every lecture, yet disappointed at myself for not being able to fully understand the concept. Tuesdays and Fridays quickly became my new favourite days, despite the fact that they used to be one of those days when i just dragged my foot to school. 

Moreover, I started to dislike the topics covered in schools. I was very determined to understand my h3 module, to the point that i didn't care about school work as much as before. strangely, school tutorials were somewhat a hindrance that i need to get rid as soon as possible so i can read more about my module. still, whatever amount of time i spent on h3 did not make it into a breeze anyway.

thus, i reached the stage 2 of learning: knowing what i don't know. lab work took up quite a fair amount of my weekends. for every lab session we did, i would spend 4 hours to do a write up and calculations. (im not trying to boast but) our school lab reports were just pale in comparison with what we are doing for this module. i had the chance to fiddle with expensive machines, decay counters, radioactive materials, helium gases, and.... 200 dices (hahaha). we learn new things during lab sessions, since we had the opportunity to understand the theory taught during lectures better. after struggling with making report initially, i kind of got the hang of it eventually.

im not saying that it is a smooth-sailing experience. one of the downsides of this h3 module is probably the fact that i am not doing as well in school as last year. in average, i had 12-18 hours of less studying time per week due to travelling back and fort to nus -- exclusive of any extra time i spent on revising the materials. i had vague understanding of h2 topics across the subjects -- which probably explains my horrendous ct1 results. i was upset, yes. angry sometimes, for being incapable of multitasking everything and maintaining my standards. i broke down many times. undoubtedly, i feel worthless sometimes, questioning my capability to do the module after looking at my h2 grades in free fall. maybe ive gone too far. i have high expectations on myself, im not going to lie. the prospect of not excelling makes me frustrated and scared at the same time, but there is no turning back.

today is officially the last lesson we had before the exam -- which will take place in 12 days time. i felt a surge of emotions on my way to nus. my last 1.5 hr mrt ride to nus. my last piece of favourite bread (i always buy the same bread before lecture). the last time i see the lecture hall and listen to prof talking. last time sitting next to Mon and Viv, laughing at our awkward funny professor. i was partially glad that it's over (i took this module mainly because it ends faster than the internal h3), but i also felt a great sense of loss. i doubt i will still feel excited to go to school on daily basis. what to look forward too? school lectures are dry. everytime i ask things, basic standard reply would be 'it's outside the syllabus, you don't need to know'. i would probably feel wistful about my h3 experience after april is over. our prof's patience and humility are attributes i long to see in my jc teachers.

12 days to exam. wish me all the best.

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i wish i were a thai.

and i am at the lowest point of my life rn.

have been faking smiles all the way and forcing those laughter out. i am not well but i try to be positive. it's quite hard to pick myself up when people keep on reminding me how suck i am. started to get annoyed really easily with my class (who can only talk about results gosh). so yst i skip lesson (for the first time ever) to stay away from them. neither did i go for friends gathering today (coz i just feel like being anti-social thats why).

i just locked myself in the room, watching thai series to escape my current life. i tried jogging, it helped a bit, but i just need my me time. 2 days ago i broke down (again) now in front of my cca friends because of some shit that i probably render as stupid shit in the near future. anyway i feel very vulnerable rn and i want people to stay away from me.

gonna delete this post when i feel ready.

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humbled.

this week, my over-confidence has taken its toll on me. apparently i have taken things way too lightly until i became somehow arrogant -- not towards other people, but towards myself.

h3 lessons are really wearing me down bit by bit. this week is probably the worse. we started off with quantum theory, something that ive never heard before (it's unlike relativity where i at least had a slight idea of what is it about before i went for lectures). the mathematical involved in the topic is just crazy: sub here sub there, square this, cross that, combine this equation by plugging some equation from other topics, etc. its insane. what is worse is that THEY WILL TEST US ON DERIVATION QUESTIONS. and its not like something which you can just skip you know coz they can TEST A LOT OF IT and they carry like 10 marks on each of its own. and the formula is really no joke.

i like physics coz if you get the concept on how to apply, you can just plug in the data, BUT NO. in this h3 module IM DOING A LOT OF MATH (which a subject im not particularly fond of) so im always half dead after every lecture.

you know to internalize a topic and do the tutorials question, i need like 5 hours for every 7 questions i receive. its so time-consuming. i feel like giving up coz the school work demands a lot from me while i try to comprehend this abstract uni module. People can see my eyebags getting darker and me being moody like almost every week.

ive told myself that i should enjoy the journey of discovering something new, and i do. really. but it sucks the energy out of me, and im struggling to keep up with my CT1 preparation (which is left in dire strait) and my social life. barely had time for myself (except during MRT rides). oh well. barely had energy left for weekend jogging really. i tried my best to go for a swim once a week to find peace, but its difficult. sometimes im just too tired to even go out.

i feel really stupid and unworthy sometimes. a person like my vietnamese senior maybe can do it coz hes like a god in everything but maybe i stretch myself too much? i dont know. im overly-ambitious and not know my limit? maybe. is it good that i do this to myself? i doubt that.

moreover i received my SAT results yesterday and its really disappointing. i know no matter how well-planned my life is, HE has the final say on whether its His plan too. i started to think that he may not want me to end up in the uni of my choice so i googled some other options. receiving the score was a slap in the face, and honestly -- for the first time in my JC life, I teared up.

ok anyway yeah i learn how to be humble towards myself now. enjoy the proccess, be the person who asks stupid questions no matter how embarrassing, and be responsible of my choices. anyway if youre the smartest person in the room, youre probably in the wrong room.

For now, I am humbled.

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deactivating my instagram.

okay last night i decided to deactivate my instagram account. its a big step i know. ive been trying to avoid using instagram lately by intentionally deleting the app from my phone, yet it somehow always found its way back to my home screen because re-downloading it is just a click away. now, i plan to do it for good.

deactivating doesnt necessarily mean deleting the throwing account and photos into the dust bin. i can still reactivate it someday, but meanwhile no one can tag me pictures, photos, or see my profile. im non-existent.

quickly enough my mom realized that i disappeared from insta. my classmates too, because they wanted to tag me cny celebration pics. so i told them that i pull out from the insta world. at least for now.

the reason being this. the morning before i pressed the deactivating account, i found a very disturbing dedication post. i know its every person's right to post anything they like, but i cannot tolerate many of them. strange enough, i still carry on scrolling down my timeline. despite the hate, the jealousy, the sadness, and the hatred, i still return to this cave of negativity -- where i became anti-social and surrounded by negative feelings. it pains me, but i still like torturing myself anyway. masochist taking its psychological form.

sometimes i feel im not thin enough. that is particularly frustrating because my profile page is pretty much decorated by some random stuffs like photos of pencil case, swimming pool, the orange sky, or just my friends. not those with pretty filter, fashionable clothings, or latest food porn. i began to accept my body, but instagram is still holding me back sometimes.

i have a very strong principle to not post every single of my social life. i find its not necessary to prove the world that im having friends, or doing sth other than studying, but ironically im jealous enough to see posts of people having fun too. believe me, i do enjoy my life and go out a lot, but most of them went unpublished. seeing people posting every single thing they do makes me sick. of their narcissism, of their thirst and social insecurity. yes im disgusted, so i delete it altogether. (at this point i sound self-righteous but whatever).

instagram also makes me question my friendships, which is not supposed to be the case. a feature in insta means a lot, and people (even i too) use that to measure how much you mean to a person. scary. i feel im not doing enough to get the attention from the world -- from my friends. Two friendship conflicts almost ended up ugly because of instagram, and i realized that it is time to let go of this unhealthy social media.

anyway, i always have respect for ppl without instagram and ive always wanted to be like them. im done with collecting likes, weird compulsive disorder to check on my phone to check on other's peoples lives. its time to re-focus on my life and stop comparing it with seemingly perfect image of others.



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me being weird. or is it the new normal.

you know lately ive realized that i no longer talk as much as i used to last year. the number of sentences i utter per day has drastically plummet in a free fall, especially at school, be it during recess time or tutorials. im less engaged with the gang i usually associate myself with in class. its weird, and people are taking notice of it.

somehow i really dont give a single shit about what people are talking about (especially if its just random stuffs or failed attempt to prevent the lunch table from being quiet). i feel that those topics are boring, stupid, and unnecessary. its like id rather not waste my energy to talk about frivolous stuffs so id rather keep quiet. i guess this busy year really sucks all my energy until i cant even socialize. of course you know the life balance triangle thing right; to choose 2 of these following options: good grades, sleep, and socialize. its scary to realize that im NO LONGER SOCIALIZING. or rather, to see that my 'socializing' takes its new form.

i still talk to my closest friends in class like jingjing and tianke about my problems, or other more interesting things like the documentaries i watched. perhaps because i know that i can just be myself when im around them: i can be quiet and they wont ask me whats wrong. coz theyll know that i just need time for myself. and they wont think im weird, or awkward -- coz maybe they all went through the same period once in awhile.

a lot of people have been asking me "meidy whats wrong" or "meidy are u okay" just because i dont talk much during dinner or lunch with them. i just desperately need time for myself and save up energy, so can everyone pls stop asking me whats wrong? coz maybe this is the new normal for me. i have always been the serious type (i HATE jokes especially those that i dont get), and i like silence too. silence is not awkward pause. maybe i was just enjoying the food in front of me so im not particularly keen on engaged in any kind of conversation that forces me to gulp it down quickly. maybe i was just tired or going though pms period (this is the worst type coz im very very sensitive to anger and annoyance). so yes, im okay.

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tired af.

okay i know im NOT SUPPOSED to squander my precious time to go ranting in my blog BUT I DESPERATELY NEED TIME FOR MYSELF. anyway writing a blog is not only soothing to the mind but also trains my brain juice to flow for my second SAT which is this Saturday (4 more days).

this is 2nd week to school but i feel tired af (title is self-explanatory). i tried to convince myself that this will only last until april (coz my h3 ends in early may), but the tiredness and busy schedule is getting on my nerves. train ride back and forth NUS is really super time consuming (and tiring) because i cannot use it for studying (i study by scribbling and talking to myself) or sleeping (i need complete silence and darkness). the heck 6 hours every week wasted on train ride instead of resting (which i desperately need too).

i can hardly catch up with my work these days. the major annoying problem is MY SAT (which i will stop preparing for until this saturday) because i keep on piling my school work for this stupid exam. i really want to score a really good one this january, and the fear of not being able to do so (my usual paranoia) makes me feel even more pressurized. i dont want this score to be the obstacle from getting me into my dream uni. so yeah. 4 more days (sigh).

my yellow file keeps on getting thicker and thicker; MEANING i have lots of lecture notes to transcribe into my summary book. and my math tutorials are behind by 3 lectures already (usually im really behind by only 1). IH and SEA notes too, behind by 2 weeks worth of lectures (4 thick wordy notes to condense HELP).

basically im drowning in school work. cca isnt so helpful either because as im about to step down in few months i really feel that im still searching how to strike a balance between strict and friendly leader. im such a failure at this.

ok enough ranting i need to do more SATs. last lap, i need to push through until saturday.

(ranting in blog is not my thing, but i cant help it just for this time only. must be the hormones).

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The magic strings of Frankie Presto.

very few books can actually make me instantly hooked right from its first page. well, Mitch Albom's newest book yet was most certainly one of these few. perhaps its due to all the familiar musical reference and terminology which are woven seamlessly into the story. or because reading the book allows me to walk into a life of a prodigy  (something i would probably wish that i was one myself).

well, to begin with, very few authors have background in music like mitch albom (or else they would have become musicians, would they) so i can confidently say that this is the first book that i feel strongly related to. mitch adopted a back-and-forth POV (i dont exactly know how to put this), he first revealed that frankie is dead and then slowly going backwards while at the same time, revealing his childhood from the day he was born. what makes this book really intriguing is that mitch actually personify Music (yes it sounds amazing) as our narrator. frankie took a large part of Him when he was still a baby, thus what kinda makes him a prodigy.

i won't spoil the rest of the plot here. this spell-binding book was hard to put down, but i forced myself to stop reading it halfway simply because i have 6 hours of journey on train next week to spare.

but i'll write down some of the most beautiful quotes from the book about music (mainly from frankie's guitar teacher, le Maestro)

1. All humans are musical. Why else would the Lord gives you a beating heart?
This is the most moving quote that got me instantly hooked from the 2nd page. I keep on asking myself this question, and it actually boils down to a more serious matters like whether classical music is here to stay (I KNOW IM GOING OFFTRACK but pls bear with me). im appalled by music appreciation in teenagers and my school these days). itunes chart changes every a week or so, as often as women changing their wardrobe clothes. isn't music a form of art? why is it that it sounds more like fad than art these days? i strongly feel classical music is dying and under-appreciated. you know everytime i listen to a piece i would imagine colours and waves flying around. they have emotions and story; there is something i cant describe about them. its trying to tell us something, but every person will understand it differently. my interpretation can differ each time i listen to it again, its how magical those orchestral pieces to me are. so disappointed to let them rotting and replaced by some house music.

2. You cannot write if you do not read,” the blind man said. “You cannot eat if you do not chew. And you cannot play if you do not”—he grabbed for the boy’s hand—“listen.
sadly, teachers these days hardly inspire their students. they spoon-feed us with information, thinking that we would actually retain them voluntarily. maybe we do, but our brain doesnt. you see, since i was young, i didnt know what it SOUNDS like to be a good violinist. my teachers would tell me to do this, to practice harder, to play that. but i never really understood what i wanted to achieve. if theres no example given, why would you think i want to invest my energy and time on sth that i do not enjoy? i think this is also applicable to all fields of learning experience. only after listening to Maestro playing for 1 year, then frankie was allowed to learn how to play guitar. i really think that this is the future of learning experience. students must have that spark and willingness to learn before they dive into that subject deeper.

3.You humans are always locking each other away. Cells. Dungeons. Some of your earliest jails were sewers, where men sloshed in their own waste. No other creature has this arrogance—to confine its own. Could you imagine a bird imprisoning another bird? A horse jailing a horse?
i didnt realize that WE are the only species who kill one another. name me one animal that murders their own kind. have you lost your faith in humanity?

4. Do not cry for losing blood. Not for something you love.
frankie hurt his fingers as he practised his guitar. sacrifices must be made to achieve great things. muscle sore and neck pain from intense violin practise. feeling stressed out and missing that movie to study for exams. forgoing fried food and your favourite dessert as a part of your diet. without perseverance on doing these things, to keep trying although it hurts like mad, is a part-and-parcel of reaching greater heights.

5. But all love stories are symphonies. And, like symphonies, they have four movements. 

• Allegro a quick and spirited opening 
• Adagio a slow turn
• Minuet/Scherzo short steps in 3/4 time
• Rondo, a repeating theme, interrupted by various passages.

all musicians would think that this part is self-explanatory. beautifully written.

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Escape.

I thought leaving Singapore allows me to escape my problems. Well, it does. But I came here only to face my other unsolved ones since 2013. And they are staring at my face every single day for the next 10 days. My life problems looks like a concerto, you think it's over and you -- as audience -- is ready to clap. But the Composer thinks differently. He would smile at the audience and nod to offer the sign of respect, but nevertheless waves His baton again for the more 'exciting' finale -- presto. 

Sometimes I wonder whether I will ever find a place to call home. Have you ever felt like you stuck in between? To never get to feel cozy in my own room at VHall because hostel rules and social expectations stall restrict you from doing anything you want. To never feel at home in Jakarta because the city has unfolded before your eyes, without you in it; as you see everything makes its headway without your consent. To feel lonely during holidays because you don't feel reaching out to your old friends, just because you postulate that they won't empathize or identify with the experience you had or the people you met all this while when you were away. Or simply assuming that they have already had their own lives and new friends; and that you're forgotten for good. (Which proves the notion that friends never really stay when you embark on a new life phase).

Sometimes I really ask myself if I want to really return here should my family are all gone. Would I still fit in? Would I have people to trust? Would people understand me? When I began to see myself adopting a foreign language and accent, I started to lose confidence in speaking my own native language. Watching a local TV headlines makes me cower for some reasons -- many words which I haven't been hearing for the past 2 years or so. When you think that your own native language sounds strange to your ears, you know that yo just lost a part of yourself.

And I seriously think that it's no longer fitting for me to aspire to become a president. I don't know if I really want to abandon the safer track which I can conveniently choose: diving into the business world like what most Indon-Chinese would probably do.

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OMM-SOTA Camp.

This past one week has been somewhat magical, and surreal to me. I expected least from the camp, yet I was so rewarded with many things for the past one week.

Last July, I signed up for an audition to join this camp organized by SOTA + OMM (Orchestra of the Music Makers, a non-profit orchestra). Little did I know that they're good players. Initially I thought we would play simple pieces, and I could easily gained a position as concert mistress. Hahaha you wish, Mei. Turns out that there are a LOT of better players than me in the camp.

First day, we were splitted into several groups for ice-breaking games. My group comprised of amazing talented people: Jorim Jireh (18, NJC), his knowledge of classical music reminds me of Marcel Hanardi, a close friend of mine from TYO. He knows a LOT of pieces, and what is amazing is that he can comment a lot about them (unlike me,... who can AT MOST only say things like  "I LIKE THAT PIECE VERY MUCH"). Amanda Tay, (18, ACSI) I can instantly tell that we will be good friends. Apparently she would become my deskmate!!! I'll talk more about her in awhile. Tzu Zeng,, (16, ACSI). I swear he's so cute that I wish he is my little brother. Sadly he plays double bass, so I didn't have much time to talk to him again after the ice-breaking game.

Much to my disappointment,  I sat at the inner 7th desk. I was kinda hoping for at least 2nd or 3rd desk, but they put me at the back of the orchestra for some reason. Little did I know that there's so much to learn from sitting at the back. We had our first reading session for Mendelssohn's Reformation and Beethoven's Egmont. THEY SOUND UNBELIEVABLY GOOD MUCH TO MY SURPRISE. I really expect very little from the orchestra, but they have pretty good sight-reading skills. I really really enjoyed the sound of the woodwinds sections, they were exceptionally talented because they can produce amazing sound for the first reading session. Bravo.

I learned that sitting at the back requires a lot of skills to keep up with the entire orchestra. You simply couldn't hear anyone from your section but yourself, so you have to either rely on the conductor's baton or the movements of your friends' bows in front. But doing that concurrently with reading the demanding scores is actually way harder than i thought. I always thought I can keep an eye of the conductor while reading the scores, but... nope. For the whole first day I was lagging behind by few notes, and it's actually embarrassing hahaha. But yeah I went back and practiced to familiarize myself with the notes. It gets better as we have more practices the next following days.

The entire practice stretches over 7 hours. 3 hours of tutti practice, 1 hr of break, and another 3 hrs of sectionals. It means 6 hrs of intense practice. I swear we all died after we finish practice each day, but the lessons we learn from every single day are worth the muscle sore and neck pain.

On Friday (5th day of camp), we had Community Project with 50++ little Japanese kids from the kindergarten owned by Tsumugu's mother. I (stupidly) volunteered to present the introduction of strings family to these small kids (coz nobody wants to do it). I really thought I can pull it off easily, I mean, how hard can it be right.... hahahaahahahahhahahahahaa I WAS WRONG. I'm very bad at making friends with kids. I tried to do this draw a link between violin-viola-cello-double bass with the whole analogy sister-mother-grandma thing, but I was really nervous like hell standing in front of all the campers and 50+ children. Thankfully, Bryan Tay actually helped me to improve my script by adding on some elements like 'hiding' the double bass behind and giving the exaggerated sound effects like "ooo double bassssss where areeeee youuuu" and "ITS SO HUGGEEEEEEEEEE" hahaha it was quite fun and nerve-wrecking. Glad that someone is actually helping me out to be shameless lol. Oliver actually liked my presentation (yeay!), and Bryan gave me this Christmas card to thank me today which totally made my day. I rarely met sentimental guys but it's very nice of him to actually spend time writing cards for everyone.

Another special thing about this camp is actually how I was so amazed by Gabriel's bow control through out Wineawski's Violin Concerto No. 2. I cannot even put words into it -- those simple notes were perfectly executed in ways that made the a lot of campers smile in awe (well at least those people sitting near me like Jorim, Michael, and Amanda ahahaha). I can literally listen to him playing that one melody line for years and not complaining. He made me felt heads over heels with this piece -- it quickly became my new favourite track. I wish I can play as good as him someday, so I promise myself to spend hours on doing scales this holiday to perfect my bow control.

Of course, I cannot simply leave out Prof Chan from the list of wonderful things from the camp. His insights and his attitude in making music are remarkable. I feel really honoured to ever play under his baton. He certainly knows what he wants, and he knows how to achieve it just by words to influence how we play. His professionalism in shaping the music gave me an eye-opening experience on how to interpret the pieces we play. He quoted a renowned violinist that the minute we feel drained from practising is actually the time when we should not close the score. Because pushing ourselves a bit further more from what we are capable of, we stretches ourselves to become a better musician by subconsciously exploring a new aspect of ourselves.

And last but not least, I would talk about Amanda Tay. I'm grateful to have her as my deskmate, because if there is one thing I fear most from this camp, is that I would be a total outcast. I knew no one except Tricia who plays double bass (meaning, I cannot stick around her during practice). And the week before, I was working with an awful guy from ACSI in the CIP Committee Group, which makes me even more reluctant to go for the camp. I thought everyone would be like him: arrogant and condescending. But no, I was wrong. Amanda proves that ACSI people are not jerks lol (I have this impression abt them). And she introduced me to her friend Michael, who is very very very funny. He guessed my name as Sarah HAHAHA. He said I look like a 'Sarah' lmao. Amanda and I had dinner just now in Clementi Mall to talk about her 'past' hahaha. It's heartening to see how quickly we become very very close within a week. If we were to come from the same school, we can easily become really really really good friends.

So tomorrow is the big day. I can't believe it's going to end within 24 hrs. I wish I don't have to go to school forever. I know that I really like playing in an orchestra, and I wish my days can be as tiring and fulfilling like I had this whole week -- learning what I really like and be inspired by the people around me.

Thank You for this opportunity you gave me, and I hoped to remember this whole week for the next few years to come.

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20 facts about me.

Not that anyone would actually read this, but I think this is a good personal introspection exercise to know myself better too.

1. I wouldn't trade my violin skill with anything else in this world. It is a part of my identity, something that I'm really really proud of; and no one can take it away from me -- as long as I have my fingers attached. As I said before, I never really envy students who score in exams better than I do because I'm proud of being who I am today. My violin gives me a reason to love my life as it is, and I need to really thank my mom for that. The secret to enjoying life to the fullest is to do what you really like and what you deem as right. For me, I balance my studies with my violin, and it's sufficient to make me happy. I'm quite amazed that both actually compliment one another. My studies brought me to Singapore so that I'm more exposed to more musical opportunities; and at the same time my violin helped me advanced my studies by getting me into VJC. And I'm enjoying the time of my life here.

2. My interest varies a lot. If you give me a whole month of holiday, I would make full use of it to really explore my limits. Currently, I'm learning coding (HTML and CSS). And I plan to take up ice-skating again this December. Let's see how it goes.

3. I don't really like Physics, but I'd like to think that I'm doing pretty good at it. When I was still in Indonesia, my first physics teacher, Mr. Bambang actually inspired me a lot to take up Physics as my major. He doesn't teach us. He simply inspires us. And because of him, I bought some self-help books (for the first time!!) to better understand Physics. But lately i've been asking myself the same question over and over again: is Physics really something I wanted to pursue for university? I don't know. I hope to figure out soon.

4. I'm an extrovert introvert. Basically I'd like to spend most of my time with myself, and maybe occasional hang outs with a friend (mind the use of singular noun). Generally im not comfortable hanging out with a large group of people, because there's a limit to what i can learn from each individual in such outings. It's less personal, and I don't like it.

5. Lmao now about guys. I never really like hot guys, coz you know... they're vain hahaha. I'm more impressed with people with substance. I think this is also applicable to people in general. I like surprises. So if I expect less from you, and you surprises me along the way as I get to know you -- the more I like this person. Okay for e.g. yesterday I saw this ordinary guy from OMM Camp wearing a Game of Thrones t-shirt. First impression? Nice taste of TV series. 10 points for him. Then 5 mins later I learned that he's our soloist for our concert. The next second, he blew everyone away with his rendition of Wineawski's Violin Concerto No. 2 in D minor. 100 points for him. You see, this is what makes people really attractive, not their looks. And it's not merely confined to musical skills. It can be sth like your interest in politics, your interest in magic tricks, photography skills, your wanderlust, the list of books you have read, your insights about people, your cooking skills. Anything.

6.  I hope to travel to Iceland someday and see the Norwegian Lights.

7. I want to learn how to play harp someday.

8. I'm a vegetarian. See my previous post abt 'Specienism' if you'd like to learn why.

9. I'm a big fan of chocolate!!! Esp European chocolates!! I eat one bar everyday hahaha, it's my favourite comfort food :)

10. I have small circle of people whom I really trust. What I really look for is the quality of the friendships, not really the number.

11. I have this weird body alarm that wakes me up at 7 am everyday. No matter how tired I am the night before, I would just wake up at 7 am and be a zombie the whole day.

12. I don't like action movies. Don't ask me to watch James Bond movie with you, it's a waste of money for me. Please give me a substantial movies like Silence of the Lamb or Beautiful Mind, then I will go with you.

13. I never really think through the decisions I made in my life. Coz if I overthink about it, I will end up not making full use of the opportunities available to me. I try to overcome my fear of rejection, and how to best deal with it?? To sign up for everything that's challenge myself without thinking twice. Because once I hit the 'submit button', there's no turning back. It's working pretty well in forcing myself to test my limits. And I'm going to do this more often.

14. If I have to choose between my ipod and my iphone, I would choose my ipod. Can't live without music for a day.

15. I have a love-hate relationship with instagram. I have a private insta just for myself which functions as my diary. I would share my thoughts there if it's concise enough. They do not need audience so I don't open it to anyone.

16. Yes I have a very neat hand-writting, but you wouldn't believe the length at which I trained my hand-writing skills. Then you miiiight want to just keep your current writing style. I have this very neat JC notebook that I always carry around with me at all times. I'm really proud of it hahaha

17. I love green. Partially because that's my brother's favourite colour (when I was little I kinda idolized him so basically I tried to copy everything he likes or he does), but now I personally think that green is beautiful

18. I like travelling very very much, especially with a good company (mind the use of singular noun). Being a traveler is essentially different from being a tourist. Tourist looks around but traveler sees things and learns from them. A good company adds value to my experience because they sometimes gives insights about myself that I didn't know earlier.

19. I tried (hard!!!) to lose weight, but I'm kinda stuck now. Nah, losing weight is no longer my main concern now, but I do cut down my food intake these days.

20. I used to watch anime and read manga (A LOT). I used to be hard core gamer too (for girls standard). But not now. I kinda read a lot now, but if I rarely have time so if the book is not good I won't finish it.







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Inside Out.

There is something wonderful about watching the movie for the second time: I can pay more attention to the message it's trying to convey rather than being emotional over the plot. So here are some of my two-cents worth about the movie:

1. That it is okay to be sad.
Sadness is a wonderful emotion. Crying is perfectly all right. People tend to avoid sadness for some reasons, but personally I sometimes prefer sadness in my emotionless days. Okay, you might think I'm weird, but I strangely find that crying makes me feel good. Sometimes, I prefer watching drama shows than action movies because I can cry over it. Sadness acknowledge my struggles, my shortcomings, my unfulfilled dreams.

2. Perhaps the best way to comfort sad friends is to acknowledge their struggle.
More often than not, I always try to see the more positive side of my friend's problem; hoping that by putting more emphasis on these aspects, I get to cheer them up and stop them from feeling sad. But this movie just taught me, that recognizing one's pain is also an alternative (perhaps even better) way, to provide emotional support for our friends. A friend of mine once said, "The worst thing you can do when I open up is to dismiss my emotions as invalid". Now I began to understand what she meant. Allowing someone to feel sad does not translate to intensifying their emotion. To the contrary, it helps them to feel better much faster because they know that we will be there in every step of their way to recover.

3. Each of us are governed by one dominating emotion.
Joy dominates Riley's control panel, Sadness dominates Mom's, and Anger dominates Dad's. Although all 5 emotions have a play to role in one's life; there will always be one emotion that mostly predominates of our emotion panel. I think mine would be sadness because I have the tendency to reflect and being sentimental to almost everything.

4. Music is very powerful.
One thing that went unnoticed in my first movie experience is that Inside Out has a very compelling soundtrack. I was almost in tears when I heard the soundtrack in the first 10 seconds of the movie, because a surge of mixed emotions flooded in. I cannot decipher what emotions they are, but it gives me this feeling good kind of experience. There is something about how the notes were lined up next to each other. There is a perfect combination of intervals that touches my heart and affects me emotionally.

Thank you Disney for always teaching me new lessons in every movie. I know I will never be too old to watch any.

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Good friend.

As the year comes to its close, another chapter of my life ends. Just like characters in books, some friends stay for the next one, but some won't. There are so many people passing by my life, but this one I am not letting go.

A week ago, on Saturday night, Lize and I met up after 6 (?) months not seeing each other. The thing about close friend is that you can talk almost about anything deep although you haven't met each other for a very long time. Most of the time, catching up session with old friend is an attempt to condense 6 months of your life into 90 minute session, but I'm glad it didn't go that way.

The highlight of that evening was actually when he took me for a mass service in OLOL Church in Bugis. A free thinker himself, he had never wanted to go to the church when I asked him to last year. Surprise, surprise -- a year later, everything has pretty much changed. I'm a skeptical Christian, and he started to believe in the divine power.

He prayed. He sang. He went through all the (boring) rituals with admirable focus and respect.

I was struck. He demonstrated a new-found reverence to my religion. His curiosity and attentiveness were in contrast with my ignorance and arrogance. I looked into myself and could not help but felt ashamed. Ashamed of how far I have attempted to drift away from Him. I am a pretentious sheep trying to travel the hill on my own. I realized how I often thought that I am much smarter than Him, thinking that everything can be explained or done with science or philosophy. But there are more in religion than just myths.

For the first time this year, I felt a surge from within to see Christianity with a new pair of eyes. The eyes of the innocence like Lize's. To listen with pure ears and uncorrupt mind. To receive His blessings with renewed sense of gratitude.

For once, an invisible block was lifted from my eyes. I recognized a dire need to change who I am now; the skeptical Meidy. So, I went to the same church this weekend, filled with much anticipation and longing to participate actively in the mass service. After mass, I really felt a renewed joy and cleaned spirit to start my new week. This is what spirituality is supposed to look like.

An ex-friend of mine once said, a good friend is not somebody who is during your happy times. A good friend is one who help you grow, although it may necessitate you to go through painful realization. Although I cannot see it in what my ex-friend did, but I definitely can see it through Lize.

And like any other wonderful and best memories I had, we didn't take any pictures that night. It went undocumented, and unpublished in Instagram. But it certainly left a great impact in me for the next few years to come.





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