The magic strings of Frankie Presto.

very few books can actually make me instantly hooked right from its first page. well, Mitch Albom's newest book yet was most certainly one of these few. perhaps its due to all the familiar musical reference and terminology which are woven seamlessly into the story. or because reading the book allows me to walk into a life of a prodigy  (something i would probably wish that i was one myself).

well, to begin with, very few authors have background in music like mitch albom (or else they would have become musicians, would they) so i can confidently say that this is the first book that i feel strongly related to. mitch adopted a back-and-forth POV (i dont exactly know how to put this), he first revealed that frankie is dead and then slowly going backwards while at the same time, revealing his childhood from the day he was born. what makes this book really intriguing is that mitch actually personify Music (yes it sounds amazing) as our narrator. frankie took a large part of Him when he was still a baby, thus what kinda makes him a prodigy.

i won't spoil the rest of the plot here. this spell-binding book was hard to put down, but i forced myself to stop reading it halfway simply because i have 6 hours of journey on train next week to spare.

but i'll write down some of the most beautiful quotes from the book about music (mainly from frankie's guitar teacher, le Maestro)

1. All humans are musical. Why else would the Lord gives you a beating heart?
This is the most moving quote that got me instantly hooked from the 2nd page. I keep on asking myself this question, and it actually boils down to a more serious matters like whether classical music is here to stay (I KNOW IM GOING OFFTRACK but pls bear with me). im appalled by music appreciation in teenagers and my school these days). itunes chart changes every a week or so, as often as women changing their wardrobe clothes. isn't music a form of art? why is it that it sounds more like fad than art these days? i strongly feel classical music is dying and under-appreciated. you know everytime i listen to a piece i would imagine colours and waves flying around. they have emotions and story; there is something i cant describe about them. its trying to tell us something, but every person will understand it differently. my interpretation can differ each time i listen to it again, its how magical those orchestral pieces to me are. so disappointed to let them rotting and replaced by some house music.

2. You cannot write if you do not read,” the blind man said. “You cannot eat if you do not chew. And you cannot play if you do not”—he grabbed for the boy’s hand—“listen.
sadly, teachers these days hardly inspire their students. they spoon-feed us with information, thinking that we would actually retain them voluntarily. maybe we do, but our brain doesnt. you see, since i was young, i didnt know what it SOUNDS like to be a good violinist. my teachers would tell me to do this, to practice harder, to play that. but i never really understood what i wanted to achieve. if theres no example given, why would you think i want to invest my energy and time on sth that i do not enjoy? i think this is also applicable to all fields of learning experience. only after listening to Maestro playing for 1 year, then frankie was allowed to learn how to play guitar. i really think that this is the future of learning experience. students must have that spark and willingness to learn before they dive into that subject deeper.

3.You humans are always locking each other away. Cells. Dungeons. Some of your earliest jails were sewers, where men sloshed in their own waste. No other creature has this arrogance—to confine its own. Could you imagine a bird imprisoning another bird? A horse jailing a horse?
i didnt realize that WE are the only species who kill one another. name me one animal that murders their own kind. have you lost your faith in humanity?

4. Do not cry for losing blood. Not for something you love.
frankie hurt his fingers as he practised his guitar. sacrifices must be made to achieve great things. muscle sore and neck pain from intense violin practise. feeling stressed out and missing that movie to study for exams. forgoing fried food and your favourite dessert as a part of your diet. without perseverance on doing these things, to keep trying although it hurts like mad, is a part-and-parcel of reaching greater heights.

5. But all love stories are symphonies. And, like symphonies, they have four movements. 

• Allegro a quick and spirited opening 
• Adagio a slow turn
• Minuet/Scherzo short steps in 3/4 time
• Rondo, a repeating theme, interrupted by various passages.

all musicians would think that this part is self-explanatory. beautifully written.

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Escape.

I thought leaving Singapore allows me to escape my problems. Well, it does. But I came here only to face my other unsolved ones since 2013. And they are staring at my face every single day for the next 10 days. My life problems looks like a concerto, you think it's over and you -- as audience -- is ready to clap. But the Composer thinks differently. He would smile at the audience and nod to offer the sign of respect, but nevertheless waves His baton again for the more 'exciting' finale -- presto. 

Sometimes I wonder whether I will ever find a place to call home. Have you ever felt like you stuck in between? To never get to feel cozy in my own room at VHall because hostel rules and social expectations stall restrict you from doing anything you want. To never feel at home in Jakarta because the city has unfolded before your eyes, without you in it; as you see everything makes its headway without your consent. To feel lonely during holidays because you don't feel reaching out to your old friends, just because you postulate that they won't empathize or identify with the experience you had or the people you met all this while when you were away. Or simply assuming that they have already had their own lives and new friends; and that you're forgotten for good. (Which proves the notion that friends never really stay when you embark on a new life phase).

Sometimes I really ask myself if I want to really return here should my family are all gone. Would I still fit in? Would I have people to trust? Would people understand me? When I began to see myself adopting a foreign language and accent, I started to lose confidence in speaking my own native language. Watching a local TV headlines makes me cower for some reasons -- many words which I haven't been hearing for the past 2 years or so. When you think that your own native language sounds strange to your ears, you know that yo just lost a part of yourself.

And I seriously think that it's no longer fitting for me to aspire to become a president. I don't know if I really want to abandon the safer track which I can conveniently choose: diving into the business world like what most Indon-Chinese would probably do.

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OMM-SOTA Camp.

This past one week has been somewhat magical, and surreal to me. I expected least from the camp, yet I was so rewarded with many things for the past one week.

Last July, I signed up for an audition to join this camp organized by SOTA + OMM (Orchestra of the Music Makers, a non-profit orchestra). Little did I know that they're good players. Initially I thought we would play simple pieces, and I could easily gained a position as concert mistress. Hahaha you wish, Mei. Turns out that there are a LOT of better players than me in the camp.

First day, we were splitted into several groups for ice-breaking games. My group comprised of amazing talented people: Jorim Jireh (18, NJC), his knowledge of classical music reminds me of Marcel Hanardi, a close friend of mine from TYO. He knows a LOT of pieces, and what is amazing is that he can comment a lot about them (unlike me,... who can AT MOST only say things like  "I LIKE THAT PIECE VERY MUCH"). Amanda Tay, (18, ACSI) I can instantly tell that we will be good friends. Apparently she would become my deskmate!!! I'll talk more about her in awhile. Tzu Zeng,, (16, ACSI). I swear he's so cute that I wish he is my little brother. Sadly he plays double bass, so I didn't have much time to talk to him again after the ice-breaking game.

Much to my disappointment,  I sat at the inner 7th desk. I was kinda hoping for at least 2nd or 3rd desk, but they put me at the back of the orchestra for some reason. Little did I know that there's so much to learn from sitting at the back. We had our first reading session for Mendelssohn's Reformation and Beethoven's Egmont. THEY SOUND UNBELIEVABLY GOOD MUCH TO MY SURPRISE. I really expect very little from the orchestra, but they have pretty good sight-reading skills. I really really enjoyed the sound of the woodwinds sections, they were exceptionally talented because they can produce amazing sound for the first reading session. Bravo.

I learned that sitting at the back requires a lot of skills to keep up with the entire orchestra. You simply couldn't hear anyone from your section but yourself, so you have to either rely on the conductor's baton or the movements of your friends' bows in front. But doing that concurrently with reading the demanding scores is actually way harder than i thought. I always thought I can keep an eye of the conductor while reading the scores, but... nope. For the whole first day I was lagging behind by few notes, and it's actually embarrassing hahaha. But yeah I went back and practiced to familiarize myself with the notes. It gets better as we have more practices the next following days.

The entire practice stretches over 7 hours. 3 hours of tutti practice, 1 hr of break, and another 3 hrs of sectionals. It means 6 hrs of intense practice. I swear we all died after we finish practice each day, but the lessons we learn from every single day are worth the muscle sore and neck pain.

On Friday (5th day of camp), we had Community Project with 50++ little Japanese kids from the kindergarten owned by Tsumugu's mother. I (stupidly) volunteered to present the introduction of strings family to these small kids (coz nobody wants to do it). I really thought I can pull it off easily, I mean, how hard can it be right.... hahahaahahahahhahahahahaa I WAS WRONG. I'm very bad at making friends with kids. I tried to do this draw a link between violin-viola-cello-double bass with the whole analogy sister-mother-grandma thing, but I was really nervous like hell standing in front of all the campers and 50+ children. Thankfully, Bryan Tay actually helped me to improve my script by adding on some elements like 'hiding' the double bass behind and giving the exaggerated sound effects like "ooo double bassssss where areeeee youuuu" and "ITS SO HUGGEEEEEEEEEE" hahaha it was quite fun and nerve-wrecking. Glad that someone is actually helping me out to be shameless lol. Oliver actually liked my presentation (yeay!), and Bryan gave me this Christmas card to thank me today which totally made my day. I rarely met sentimental guys but it's very nice of him to actually spend time writing cards for everyone.

Another special thing about this camp is actually how I was so amazed by Gabriel's bow control through out Wineawski's Violin Concerto No. 2. I cannot even put words into it -- those simple notes were perfectly executed in ways that made the a lot of campers smile in awe (well at least those people sitting near me like Jorim, Michael, and Amanda ahahaha). I can literally listen to him playing that one melody line for years and not complaining. He made me felt heads over heels with this piece -- it quickly became my new favourite track. I wish I can play as good as him someday, so I promise myself to spend hours on doing scales this holiday to perfect my bow control.

Of course, I cannot simply leave out Prof Chan from the list of wonderful things from the camp. His insights and his attitude in making music are remarkable. I feel really honoured to ever play under his baton. He certainly knows what he wants, and he knows how to achieve it just by words to influence how we play. His professionalism in shaping the music gave me an eye-opening experience on how to interpret the pieces we play. He quoted a renowned violinist that the minute we feel drained from practising is actually the time when we should not close the score. Because pushing ourselves a bit further more from what we are capable of, we stretches ourselves to become a better musician by subconsciously exploring a new aspect of ourselves.

And last but not least, I would talk about Amanda Tay. I'm grateful to have her as my deskmate, because if there is one thing I fear most from this camp, is that I would be a total outcast. I knew no one except Tricia who plays double bass (meaning, I cannot stick around her during practice). And the week before, I was working with an awful guy from ACSI in the CIP Committee Group, which makes me even more reluctant to go for the camp. I thought everyone would be like him: arrogant and condescending. But no, I was wrong. Amanda proves that ACSI people are not jerks lol (I have this impression abt them). And she introduced me to her friend Michael, who is very very very funny. He guessed my name as Sarah HAHAHA. He said I look like a 'Sarah' lmao. Amanda and I had dinner just now in Clementi Mall to talk about her 'past' hahaha. It's heartening to see how quickly we become very very close within a week. If we were to come from the same school, we can easily become really really really good friends.

So tomorrow is the big day. I can't believe it's going to end within 24 hrs. I wish I don't have to go to school forever. I know that I really like playing in an orchestra, and I wish my days can be as tiring and fulfilling like I had this whole week -- learning what I really like and be inspired by the people around me.

Thank You for this opportunity you gave me, and I hoped to remember this whole week for the next few years to come.

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20 facts about me.

Not that anyone would actually read this, but I think this is a good personal introspection exercise to know myself better too.

1. I wouldn't trade my violin skill with anything else in this world. It is a part of my identity, something that I'm really really proud of; and no one can take it away from me -- as long as I have my fingers attached. As I said before, I never really envy students who score in exams better than I do because I'm proud of being who I am today. My violin gives me a reason to love my life as it is, and I need to really thank my mom for that. The secret to enjoying life to the fullest is to do what you really like and what you deem as right. For me, I balance my studies with my violin, and it's sufficient to make me happy. I'm quite amazed that both actually compliment one another. My studies brought me to Singapore so that I'm more exposed to more musical opportunities; and at the same time my violin helped me advanced my studies by getting me into VJC. And I'm enjoying the time of my life here.

2. My interest varies a lot. If you give me a whole month of holiday, I would make full use of it to really explore my limits. Currently, I'm learning coding (HTML and CSS). And I plan to take up ice-skating again this December. Let's see how it goes.

3. I don't really like Physics, but I'd like to think that I'm doing pretty good at it. When I was still in Indonesia, my first physics teacher, Mr. Bambang actually inspired me a lot to take up Physics as my major. He doesn't teach us. He simply inspires us. And because of him, I bought some self-help books (for the first time!!) to better understand Physics. But lately i've been asking myself the same question over and over again: is Physics really something I wanted to pursue for university? I don't know. I hope to figure out soon.

4. I'm an extrovert introvert. Basically I'd like to spend most of my time with myself, and maybe occasional hang outs with a friend (mind the use of singular noun). Generally im not comfortable hanging out with a large group of people, because there's a limit to what i can learn from each individual in such outings. It's less personal, and I don't like it.

5. Lmao now about guys. I never really like hot guys, coz you know... they're vain hahaha. I'm more impressed with people with substance. I think this is also applicable to people in general. I like surprises. So if I expect less from you, and you surprises me along the way as I get to know you -- the more I like this person. Okay for e.g. yesterday I saw this ordinary guy from OMM Camp wearing a Game of Thrones t-shirt. First impression? Nice taste of TV series. 10 points for him. Then 5 mins later I learned that he's our soloist for our concert. The next second, he blew everyone away with his rendition of Wineawski's Violin Concerto No. 2 in D minor. 100 points for him. You see, this is what makes people really attractive, not their looks. And it's not merely confined to musical skills. It can be sth like your interest in politics, your interest in magic tricks, photography skills, your wanderlust, the list of books you have read, your insights about people, your cooking skills. Anything.

6.  I hope to travel to Iceland someday and see the Norwegian Lights.

7. I want to learn how to play harp someday.

8. I'm a vegetarian. See my previous post abt 'Specienism' if you'd like to learn why.

9. I'm a big fan of chocolate!!! Esp European chocolates!! I eat one bar everyday hahaha, it's my favourite comfort food :)

10. I have small circle of people whom I really trust. What I really look for is the quality of the friendships, not really the number.

11. I have this weird body alarm that wakes me up at 7 am everyday. No matter how tired I am the night before, I would just wake up at 7 am and be a zombie the whole day.

12. I don't like action movies. Don't ask me to watch James Bond movie with you, it's a waste of money for me. Please give me a substantial movies like Silence of the Lamb or Beautiful Mind, then I will go with you.

13. I never really think through the decisions I made in my life. Coz if I overthink about it, I will end up not making full use of the opportunities available to me. I try to overcome my fear of rejection, and how to best deal with it?? To sign up for everything that's challenge myself without thinking twice. Because once I hit the 'submit button', there's no turning back. It's working pretty well in forcing myself to test my limits. And I'm going to do this more often.

14. If I have to choose between my ipod and my iphone, I would choose my ipod. Can't live without music for a day.

15. I have a love-hate relationship with instagram. I have a private insta just for myself which functions as my diary. I would share my thoughts there if it's concise enough. They do not need audience so I don't open it to anyone.

16. Yes I have a very neat hand-writting, but you wouldn't believe the length at which I trained my hand-writing skills. Then you miiiight want to just keep your current writing style. I have this very neat JC notebook that I always carry around with me at all times. I'm really proud of it hahaha

17. I love green. Partially because that's my brother's favourite colour (when I was little I kinda idolized him so basically I tried to copy everything he likes or he does), but now I personally think that green is beautiful

18. I like travelling very very much, especially with a good company (mind the use of singular noun). Being a traveler is essentially different from being a tourist. Tourist looks around but traveler sees things and learns from them. A good company adds value to my experience because they sometimes gives insights about myself that I didn't know earlier.

19. I tried (hard!!!) to lose weight, but I'm kinda stuck now. Nah, losing weight is no longer my main concern now, but I do cut down my food intake these days.

20. I used to watch anime and read manga (A LOT). I used to be hard core gamer too (for girls standard). But not now. I kinda read a lot now, but if I rarely have time so if the book is not good I won't finish it.







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Inside Out.

There is something wonderful about watching the movie for the second time: I can pay more attention to the message it's trying to convey rather than being emotional over the plot. So here are some of my two-cents worth about the movie:

1. That it is okay to be sad.
Sadness is a wonderful emotion. Crying is perfectly all right. People tend to avoid sadness for some reasons, but personally I sometimes prefer sadness in my emotionless days. Okay, you might think I'm weird, but I strangely find that crying makes me feel good. Sometimes, I prefer watching drama shows than action movies because I can cry over it. Sadness acknowledge my struggles, my shortcomings, my unfulfilled dreams.

2. Perhaps the best way to comfort sad friends is to acknowledge their struggle.
More often than not, I always try to see the more positive side of my friend's problem; hoping that by putting more emphasis on these aspects, I get to cheer them up and stop them from feeling sad. But this movie just taught me, that recognizing one's pain is also an alternative (perhaps even better) way, to provide emotional support for our friends. A friend of mine once said, "The worst thing you can do when I open up is to dismiss my emotions as invalid". Now I began to understand what she meant. Allowing someone to feel sad does not translate to intensifying their emotion. To the contrary, it helps them to feel better much faster because they know that we will be there in every step of their way to recover.

3. Each of us are governed by one dominating emotion.
Joy dominates Riley's control panel, Sadness dominates Mom's, and Anger dominates Dad's. Although all 5 emotions have a play to role in one's life; there will always be one emotion that mostly predominates of our emotion panel. I think mine would be sadness because I have the tendency to reflect and being sentimental to almost everything.

4. Music is very powerful.
One thing that went unnoticed in my first movie experience is that Inside Out has a very compelling soundtrack. I was almost in tears when I heard the soundtrack in the first 10 seconds of the movie, because a surge of mixed emotions flooded in. I cannot decipher what emotions they are, but it gives me this feeling good kind of experience. There is something about how the notes were lined up next to each other. There is a perfect combination of intervals that touches my heart and affects me emotionally.

Thank you Disney for always teaching me new lessons in every movie. I know I will never be too old to watch any.

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Good friend.

As the year comes to its close, another chapter of my life ends. Just like characters in books, some friends stay for the next one, but some won't. There are so many people passing by my life, but this one I am not letting go.

A week ago, on Saturday night, Lize and I met up after 6 (?) months not seeing each other. The thing about close friend is that you can talk almost about anything deep although you haven't met each other for a very long time. Most of the time, catching up session with old friend is an attempt to condense 6 months of your life into 90 minute session, but I'm glad it didn't go that way.

The highlight of that evening was actually when he took me for a mass service in OLOL Church in Bugis. A free thinker himself, he had never wanted to go to the church when I asked him to last year. Surprise, surprise -- a year later, everything has pretty much changed. I'm a skeptical Christian, and he started to believe in the divine power.

He prayed. He sang. He went through all the (boring) rituals with admirable focus and respect.

I was struck. He demonstrated a new-found reverence to my religion. His curiosity and attentiveness were in contrast with my ignorance and arrogance. I looked into myself and could not help but felt ashamed. Ashamed of how far I have attempted to drift away from Him. I am a pretentious sheep trying to travel the hill on my own. I realized how I often thought that I am much smarter than Him, thinking that everything can be explained or done with science or philosophy. But there are more in religion than just myths.

For the first time this year, I felt a surge from within to see Christianity with a new pair of eyes. The eyes of the innocence like Lize's. To listen with pure ears and uncorrupt mind. To receive His blessings with renewed sense of gratitude.

For once, an invisible block was lifted from my eyes. I recognized a dire need to change who I am now; the skeptical Meidy. So, I went to the same church this weekend, filled with much anticipation and longing to participate actively in the mass service. After mass, I really felt a renewed joy and cleaned spirit to start my new week. This is what spirituality is supposed to look like.

An ex-friend of mine once said, a good friend is not somebody who is during your happy times. A good friend is one who help you grow, although it may necessitate you to go through painful realization. Although I cannot see it in what my ex-friend did, but I definitely can see it through Lize.

And like any other wonderful and best memories I had, we didn't take any pictures that night. It went undocumented, and unpublished in Instagram. But it certainly left a great impact in me for the next few years to come.





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2015.

As promised last year, I would again write down some of the most cherished parts of this year to bring 2015 to its close. 2015 has been nothing short of amazing, and I would like to thank these people for that.

1. My most beloved class, 15S42. The class which debunks my perception that I would never ever going to be close friends with Singaporeans. I love you all with my heart and soul. You guys are the reason I wake up every morning feeling energized and filled with anticipation for lessons.

To my tutorial group: Justin Law, Yong En, Hussein, Sze Min. Thanks for tolerating my cleanliness and love for Christopher (my white bag). Thanks for always saving a seat for him and be such a fun tutorial group. We can be serious at times but still very much attentive to Mrs Ting's lessons (not Mrs. Chan's because it will be independent learning anyway lol. Or more like Justin teaching HAHAHA). Hussein's 'investigations' and me being forever pervert lol. Please maintain our chemistry for J2 guys.

To my closer friends in the class: Auggy, Zigi, Nikhil, Michelle, Yong En, Praveen. You guys are the battery of the class. I enjoy playing cards with yall, talking shits during our reccess. Texting with yall can be sometimes very random and filled with bullshits, but you kept me smiling on the days when we don't meet. Thank you.

To Rachael, my pillar of support in bad times (which are mostly PW HAHAHA). Man, I don't know how to survive PW without you, seriously. The guys are just sometimes frustrating, and I really have to thank you for believing in every decision and action I take for our project. There are times I doubt myself, for being too domineering, overly controlling, blunt etc. But I know I will always have you, Being the only person who understand our fucked up group dynamic, we can comfort one another when any of us got pissed off. Thanks for always sharing your precious food with me when I am hungry (or just craving sth to chew). You know very well that hostel food sucks, your bread is always amazing. I'm forever indebted to you coz you were the first local classmate to approach me earlier this year. You brought me closer to class, although ironically, you were the one who didn't end up being close with the class. I am grateful for having a positive soul like you in class.

Thanks 15S42 for being so supportive through concerts, for being crazy during Halloween Horror Night + Chalet, through the exams and all. Highschool is indeed the best part of your life.

2. To Jing Jing and Tianke. I lose count of the numbers we go out together, I think the most memorable one would still be the trip we go to Paya Lebar Night Market and did a food adventure. Yall are the bunch I am closest to in the class, and I sometimes miss you guys when I haven't talked to one of you for days. Tianke is probably the only person who won't roll her eyes everytime I talk about interesting general knowledge. We both always have had things for random books or scientific facts, and I'm glad I can 'talk intelligently' with somebody in the class. Moreover, we share similar American Dream :) Jing Jing is a wonderful bunch of joy. Sharing the pain of living in a hostel, I have spent quite a lot of quality time with her through random dinner, study times, WTA Finals, and joggings!!!! Jogging is less boring with you, with all the talks about guys and what not. We are both despo girls who just want hot handsome intelligent gentlemen to date us HAHAHAHA. I guess we need to wait until 20 LOL we keep on pushing the deadline back for the 999th time. She has a lot of interesting insights and thoughts which are always always encouraging. Whenever I feel shit, or I feel down because of classmates or even friends outside VJ, she will always come to the rescue. We have had countless deep conversations together, and I'm really grateful we are in the same class. My favourite hang out with you is probably IKEA dinner that Friday night. I like impromptu dates, and you reminded me a lot of Lize :)

3. My equally beloved Strings Ensem. We are so small but I feel super super belong in this small group. Music is best shared, playing music alone can sometimes be very lonely. It's the language I speak best with, and yall are the only people who understand me. Special shout out to the SLs and boss HAHAHA, we work pretty well with each other ever since the Por Una Cabeza performance. Sorry if I demand a lot from everyone, but it's because I love you guys so much that I want us to be better. Doing those extra practices is how I translate my love to the CCA, and I really had a good time with you. Strings room is my favourite space in VJ, (if I get to be there alone) lol. Wonderful people with wonderful vibes. Some of the shitiest school days turned not to be so bad after I had our practice session.

4. Haili. We do so many things together from CCAs down to JC Exco and school subjects. We also have the same taste for music, which matters a lot to me. Thanks for walking back to hostel every Wednesday lol (save up money and exercise!), and sharing your stories with me. A lot of my friends ship us together but seriously we have sunken that ship way down to deep (*sigh* only we know). I like listening to your stories about the books you've read, especially those cheem stuffs about politics, (I will forever not understand politics but it's always interesting to know sth you dont know abt). We share the pain of not getting good grades for history but look at you now taking H3 and featured for model essays, siala. I guess passion always keeps you going (meanwhile here I am struggling to make sense of my own region's history). Thanks for the movies we go to (ALWAYS Cold War related wow), random talks, book store visits, etc etc. Please buff up and become a hot guy so you can upgrade yourself from my nerd friend to my hot-but-sadly-fake boyfriend. YEAH.

5. Shania. It's surprising to see how we never run out of things to talk about every weekday morning. The two of us never really go out together on dates like Jinjing and I do, but our friendship transcends  much more than what people see from the outside. The best conversations we had is when no one is in the room but us, two souls talking to each other. I know I can always seek you for counsel about almost anything. Your mature way of thinking and bird-eye view are something that I rarely see in people. Sharing your thoughts about the future of our country inspires me a lot to return to Indonesia. Although there are times when your concern over your appearance gave you low self-esteem, please always remind yourself of this hidden gem of yours -- a person with charisma, sharp mind, and sound judgement.

 I always see these people as my angels sent from the above, who care and guide me as I embarked on a journey called JC 1. I feel blessed to know that He never really left me afterall, despite what I had done to Him this year. Cheers to my 2nd last year in Singapore.

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Speciesist.

Animals are not brethern, they are not underlings; they are other nations, caught with ourselves in the net of life and time

 -Henry Beston

I felt terribly sick after watching "Earthlings - Full Documentary". It is no coincidence that I came to watch this video. As any usual weekend morning, I continue reading my A.C. Grayling's book The Meaning of Things.  One of its chapters focuses on Speciesism; a term new to my ears. They talked about vegans, and I immediately send those 3 pages of discussion about Speciesism to my brother, who is a vegetarian. I have never really relate with his reason for being a vegetarian, until today.

He suggested me to watch the video which changes his mind about being an omnivore, the Earthlings -- Full Documentary in Youtube. It changes my life forever.

I found that there is a parallel between our excuses in mistreating animals and those for maltreating humans. 

"We locate a difference that we find threatening, or that we despise; we thereby make the other fully Other, so that we can close the door of the moral community against him, leaving him outside where our actions cannot be judged by the same standards as apply within.

Racism and speciesism are thus the same thing -- there are myths about who belongs and who is alien".

We take things for granted. We do not care enough or want to know more about what happened in slaughterhouses because we stay in the comfort of our houses, eating the meat provided into our plates without questioning how these animals were treated in the first place. We are shielded, from the nightmares, the blood-soaked floors, the whining, the brutal living conditions, which I will elaborate more now.

We live with the assumption that these animals are living a good life before they are slaughtered. That smiling pig face on the canned tin wrapping around your ham, that happy and healthy cow grazing on a expansive green field on your milk carton. These companies cloud us from the harsh reality that we are humanely treating these animals for our consumption -- and therefore justified.

Little did we know that pigs are bred in atrocious living condition, where food are scarce and hygiene is none of our concern. Cannibalism is common, where pigs eat on each other's tails and ears -- which thus give birth to the ear and tail docking practices. People remove pigs ears and tails with tweezers and without anaesthesia. I forced myself to see their blood spurting out from a piglet's ear and listen to the excruciatingly painful sound they produce as humans inhumanely treat these animals to their own interest. 

Cows are put into this Kosher machine where people will put them upside down and slit their throat. Painless killing is something very expensive and time consuming -- something that humans can not afford to constantly satisfy the increasing demand of food consumption. Any type of eunasthasia will take far too long to be fully administered to theses beasts. 

You thought that milking process goes like something you saw from those Western movies about farming life. You thought it will be something like Harvest Moon (well that is what I thought). Little did we know that milking cows are injected with special hormones which force them to produce milk excessively, with no break in between, and no exercise. These milking cows will die from exhaustion and will be butchered as meat which you usually consume in fast food restaurants.

Watching the documentary makes me really think about humans desire to control and to reign over this planet. Earthlings simply refers to the inhabitants of Earth. No race or species is concerned. Be it mammals, vertebrae or invertebrae -- we all share the same desires: desire for food, water and shelter. Desire for companionship. Desire for freedom of movement. And desire for avoidance of pain. These desires are shared between human and non-humans alike; therefore animals actually comprehend several similar things like humans do.

I have never really considered speciesism in the same way I see racism, or sexism. All these while, I always think that it is natural for humans to feed on animals; firstly because they are lesser beings, and secondly, I assume that animals are treated humanely for our consumption. I keep on telling myself that those brutal living conditions only apply to very few slaughterhouses, with most having turned to more acceptable methods after receiving much criticism from those who advocate animal rights.

But I am wrong. This documentary proves otherwise. There are still a lot of malpractices happening around the world, and we do nothing about it. We are now living in a giant delusional bubble, protected from spatters of blood, stench of rotten animals, and their helpless cries. 

The documentary is 1.5 hours long but as much as I wanted to force myself to continue watching it, I gave up after 30 mins of non-stop brutality. This is a good reality check for all of us, and I highly recommend everyone to watch it. Who knows, one day we will all stop consuming animals, as we all now stop differentiating races.

I decided to embark on a journey to become a vegetarian. It is not easy, but I hope more people will become more aware and jump into this bandwagon with me.

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I am a messed. (This is gonna be a veeery short insignificant post)

Why does the feeling of liking someone making me so inferior? I always believed that I am in control of my own emotions, and I wouldn't let anyone to have the power to make me feel otherwise.

But the whole idea of liking someone changes everything.

I lose control of my own emotions. They are now dependent on how the person reacts and behave towards me. Whether they reciprocated my feelings and acts of kindness, whether they care or not. I am left guessing the meaning behind every whatsapp reply, through his action, through his facial countenance every time we see each other. It's frustrating when you know your first assumption was wrong because you have to re-start guessing again and make new assumption.

But I found something much worse than that. Which is to hopelessly invest your emotion to somebody that you know will not reciprocate your feelings. Ever. But you still do anyway.

I hate myself for feeling dependent on somebody. For having to ride a roller-coaster ride which I know for sure only goes downwards.

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You Can't Stop the Beat.

This morning I had the privilege of sleeping on a nice comfy bed in an air-conditioned room (Halleluyah) and TELEVISION (for those who don't know, I'm a movie junkie and living without TV or kickasstorrent is diffiCULT). So, I spent the whole morning tuning in to HBO, and came across Hairspray movie, which I obviously forgot what it is about since I watched it LONG LONG TIME AGO. I had a good impression about the movie so I decided to re-watch it again. Surprisingly, I picked up totally different learning points, compared to last time. My mind was immediately flooded with inspiration and determination. I simply couldn't wait to pen down my thoughts about the movie, so here I go.

It has been my wildest dream as a future president to integrate both the natives and the Chinese in my country. Currently we do not have serious segregation problem like apartheid in USA (yet), but the line is drawn pretty clearly. The Chinese will dominate the economy sector, running big businesses, opening up international branches; while the natives mostly dominate the civil service and lower paying jobs. 

To give you a bit of background of Indonesia, I shall elaborate a bit on our social structure. We generally see locals children attending government school, and the adults working as taxi drivers, domestic workers, construction workers, shop assistants, waiters, police, and civil servants. Meanwhile, the Chinese students will attend private schools (considered as better schools because we set our higher standards than the one set up by our MOE). Inevitably, with better funding, the private schools are adorned with cutting-edge facilities, books, and highly-skilled teachers. The ratio of students is tipping towards the Chinese, with perhaps 3 locals in a classroom of 35 students. Although they do blend well in the classroom settings, the condition I observe outside school is largely incomparable to that of my school. There is wide chasm between the 2 races, which remains unbridgeable, until today.

Although the ascension of Ahok as our first Chinese governor bring about promises and much optimism for the Chinese; there isn't so much room for any progress. Many people wanted to bring him down by spreading false rumours about him, making a controversy out of his race just because they do not like the stern approach he's adopting to solve the existing inherent problem in Jakarta.

It's still very difficult to break free from that line of thought -- that they are different from us. And we are different from them. Especially in the eyes of the fanatics.

There is also this stereotype which permeates our society (or at least the people around me), that politics are dirty, and anyone who climbed up the ladder rung by rung with dishonesty, nepotism, and connection. Those with connections can easily pave their way up to rise through the ranks, even without being equipped with the necessary capability to assume the role. As legions of unskilled politicians sit on the top of the hierarchy, more policies passed went unchecked, more ineffective laws -- which only benefit a specific group of people -- are implemented. The whole system is so messed up and Indonesia's ability to break out of poverty and internal problem of corruption grows dangerously thin. This frustrates me a lot.

Anyway, going back to my earlier discussion about the movie (O geez I digressed so much??), I realized that for any successful integration to happen, I need to get the locals to come and support my cause. We need some of them -- especially the more influential ones -- to fight alongside us; just like when Tracy bravely protested together with the Blacks on the street and held accountable for assaulting the chief officer (quite hilarious i swear). My point is, that we need to fight together. Not only those who will receive benefit from the success of any campaign; but also involve the group of people who are initially against us. Slowly lure them and convince them that our cause is the right thing to do. This would significantly reduce the chances of our movement being clamped down or nipped at its bud, because the fanatics could not possibly strip down a movement which their own kind feel strongly about. 

Interestingly, the movie also features John Travolta as Tracy's pessimistic mother. She kept on discouraging Tracy from reaching for her stardom -- not because she disliked the whole idea of pursuing the Arts like most of 21st century parents do -- but because she loved Tracy so much and wanted to shield her from the cruel reality of the entertainment industry which will never accept somebody different like them (Tracy and her mother are obese). It reminds me a lot of my mom, who (more often than not) shot down my ideas, telling me that becoming a pres is nearly impossible, convincing me to leave Indonesia for good, and lead a good life in America, switching to green card. But I was awe-inspired by Tracy's endless determination to go for what she wants. To go for any possible opportunities offered into her plates. To insist on everything she deserves. To take back what people stole from her. And to care about making a difference.

I really encourage everyone here to go and watch  Hairspray! Especially those people who really like musicals like me :P I'm gonna end off with my favourite song from Glee/Hairspray

'Cause you cant stop 
The motion of the ocean 
Or the sun in the sky 
You can wonder if you wanna 
But I never ask why

And if you try to hold me down 
I'm gonna spit in your eye and say 
That you cant stop the beat!

No one is gonna stop me from dreaming big. Yes I am an idealist.

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Too Much La.

Studying abroad promises oceans of possibilities to outgrow yourself; but at the same time, it exposes you to many challenges. It makes you vulnerable as you become the minority in this foreign land. You are different, and you can't help it but to meet people (natives) who will see you as a pest -- a threat to their own kind, as you join their rat race. No matter how hard you tried to blend in, there will always be something that gives away. Sometimes it's your face. Sometimes it's your weird accent. Sometimes, it's your grades which tells people that you are a scholar. The last one is the worst kind of stereotype which I hate most. It is not like we did it in purpose to annoy anyone. It is painful that some people can't just see pass through our grades and label us as scholars. It is fucking frustrating.

During my first 2 years in Singapore, I hated school very much. Teachers often singular us out as scholars, and my local classmates have had their own cliques, making it difficult for us to blend in. I don't really feel belong to IJ, and deep down, I really wanted to make friends with Singaporeans. But my poor English skills often put me down, and I was less inclined to converse with them in the first few months. They talked insanely fast like bullet-train and I barely could catch a word. After months of adaptation, I have improved quite a lot and gained quite a bit of confidence, I had high hopes in JC to really start anew.

JC is the time to re-invent myself, leaving behind the old me and meet new people. I do get along with my classmates now, and I really started to think that these people do not see me as a scholar. During PV session, I shared a bit with them about the pain of living away from your family, and how awful it is to label someone as scholar. Those who knew me quite long enough will know how I changed my accent since I came to VJ. Earlier this year I have promised myself not to adopt Singlish accent, but guess what I am officially adopting it now. I switch accents as I talk to different group of people. But really, adopting local accent gives me much leeway to blend in easily. I am really glad to be a part of my classmates and CCA now. Somehow I feel that the barrier no longer exists and I started to feel accepted here.

But honestly, I have no idea what goes into their mind everytime they see me every morning. Sometimes I wonder. Is it just Meidy or is it Meidy-the-Indonesian-scholar that they see?

Just when I thought I could blend in, somebody prove me wrong.

I seriously have no idea how to react to such offensive remarks I received today. I guess PW makes you feel frustrated and angered; but no one in the right mind would offend their group mate right behind her back. I didn't know if I even wronged him in the first place. The worst you can do is to curse the project, and not your partner. But congrats, I have made up my mind not to even act nice to you anymore. The insincerity of your apology speaks a lot of how you really mean what you said earlier. You can't swallow the words you have mouthed, and simply brushing it off as a 'joke' is really the most coward and shameful thing you can do. Claiming that you can't handle people well (read: socially awkward when it comes to saying sorry) won't solve the problem. You see, apologizing through another person CANNOT translates to sincere apology. If you genuinely want to restore the friendship, then at least some effort need to be done to really mend what you have ruined. You, need to grow up and take ownership of your mistakes.

I decided to not care and make myself feel better by buying a cup of coffee from Starbucks and reflect. I read a very insightful philosophical book, and even jot down some of the exciting plans for my country in my book-for-random-stuff if I ever become a president someday.

You know, one think that I learned from books is that psychologically, angry men wanted to inflict pain on their enemies, and obliterate them. He thinks that being angry will drive me away into a psychological diaspora of submission. He thinks such remarks will make me feel inferior, supposedly change they way I behave in class. Yes, I am reminded of my identity as foreign students but you are not even close in making me feel like I should give up any of my visions. I am an ambitious person and I won't, ever, let you get into my way. I simply need to cross you out from my list of people who mattered, and move on with life.


Lately I am exposed to different types of people, and it's just getting more interesting.




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Innate Talent and How to Measure Happiness. Is it Really Worth to Try?

Has anyone seen Whiplash yet? It went out quite awhile ago, but I just happened to be bored last weekend that I decided to borrow the movie from my roommate. To be honest, the plot was very simple, but I couldn't seem to take my eyes off the screen, wondering what will happen to the main character. The movie kept me sitting on the edge of my seat. Perhaps, because I could relate to the first half of the movie. As the story unfolded, I see myself in Andrew, the main character. And I see what will happen to me -- should I continued pushing myself to the extreme.

It was mainly about a young ambitious boy who aimed to get selected into the most prestigious jazz band in New York, which is like first in the world. And when he did, he was constantly terrorized by this killer conductor, who accepts nothing but perfection. And when he said perfection, he really meant it to the exact tempo and tiny seemingly redundant details. Anyway, to cut the story short, Andrew's passion for music has spiraled into some obsession which push him into the brink of his sanity. What kept my eyes glued to the screen is probably the likelihood of him committing suicide. The pressure to do it perfectly was so unbearable. But seriously, in the end his instructor managed to create a prodigy in Andrew. Although he needed to pay heavy price of nearly losing his mind and even crippled himself along the way.

So my reflection of today is this. If let say, somebody is mentored by such a strict and ruthless teacher; who mentally abuse you, who constantly intimidate you and embarrassed you in front of others -- just for the sake of extracting the best out of you, there is only 2 ways of possible result: either

- you thrive and exceed your own expectation, or
- you give up and forget about pursuing it any further

My question is, is there such thing like prodigy? I personally think that those people with so called innate talent is not born with their talent. It has never been given to them before they were born. It's just that their brain cells were genetically different which endowed them to perform beyond the level of rigor of practice, which ordinary people can only  put up with. 

Having said that, I conclude that we can shape anyone with these special brain cells threshold into anything we want. If we want him to be so good at math, just give him a lot of math practice since he started learning how to read. If we want him to be so good at sports, give him a field and a basketball to play with as soon as a child learns how to run. When you were young, you will pretty much accept whatever your parents tell you to do, because they know better. If they want you to take up violin, you have to do it no matter how much you hate it (this is my personal account); because you know what? You will grow to like something you have been doing over and over again. It took me 8 years before I realized that my hatred towards violin had morphed into love. So I suppose if my mom had insisted on taking me to swimming lessons instead, I would have also just learned to enjoy swimming too.

Sometimes I wonder what actually triggered the metamorphosis of my attitude towards violin. I soon found out that it was the nods of approval and eyes of admiration that I care about. The accolades I received, the first applause I get from the first real audience who really think that I am gifted or some sort. I can tell when people really praised me for the sake of making me feel good about myself , (like you know 'Oh good job, Meidy, that was wonderful') and when people really think that it's really good (like you know 'Wow, Meidy, I didn't know you can play violin so well! Damn, I wish I took up violin when I was young!'). It took me 8 years to finally produce something worth listening to, which boost my confidence every time I go on-stage. Something that I can be proud of about myself. Something to make me love violin more because of a simple reason -- it gives me reason to finally love myself.

I used to envy a friend of mine who was really good at drawing when I was in primary school. I wish I could have chopped off my hand and substitute it with hers, thinking that we can easily switch 'talent'. But now I wouldn't want to trade my musically inclined fingers for anything else in this world

Which is why I think I feel this movie is very relatable. Such feeling of pride, it is essential to keep us feel good about ourselves, to feel happy. Happiness keeps us going.

Which brings me to my next point, if happiness is what we are looking for in this world, why are we so willing to go to the extra mile and put such a mental pressure on ourselves to achieve it? Doesn't happiness takes in different forms?

As much as I wanted my life purpose to appear altruistic (making a difference and be the engender of change for my country), I can't help but to arrive at the same line of thought -- it all boils down to make me feel happy about myself. To feel having achieved something for the good for others. The same goes to being a mother, you feel happy when you get to see her first steps, to listen to her first words. And it's still the same if you aspire to be rich. You think money can buy you happiness. It all add up to one and only one -- happiness.

If happiness is so easily available at different forms, why do we go to such extreme extent to torture yourself? If that is the feeling that you want, why try so hard to get the oxytocin flowing within your blood, if you can always have it through simple things in life? Why?

And sometimes we heard ourselves consoling ourselves for not being able to do very well in a particular field, by making excuses. Example: Oh I didn't get to do so remarkably well in exams but at least I have a social life. At least I have enough sleep. Or the much cheesy overused argument that Nobody is perfect. People still feel no matter how badly they have done in something, they will still be happy anyway. Is it just a self-defense mechanism to protect our ego? Or is it really true that people will be happy anyway?

Perhaps this first 2 axis of happiness can explain it. (I came up with this axis myself, please don't quote me yet for this is still a undeveloped argument)

Essentially, we start with a premise that all types of people have the same maximum oxytocin level.

Person Type A: stress herself (e.g. set high expectation for herself, and put pressure on herself, or known as torturing herself. Example: high achiever, olympiad students, athletes, music prodigy)
Person Type B: live her life as it is. (e.g. she doesn't sweat small stuffs, or try hard to in anything that she does. Example: mother, any full-time workers who go wherever her life takes her, students who enjoy school with no particular goal she sets her mind into, etc.)

We see the first graph A dropped while graph B stays in its X-axis. Person A strained herself intentionally, while Person B didn't. Now watch what will happen to the graph when both gain something in life (for example: Person A is admitted to top university of her dream, while Person B finally bears a child)

Both went up, but notice that the change in level is greater in A, but less in B. This is why although they both feel happy, the sense of accomplishment is entirely different -- it is doubled. So fundamentally speaking, the argument that anyone can be happy about themselves is true, because we all will reach the same oxytocin level. But, what makes people choose to become type A instead of type B is because the delta H is greater. And it all makes sense if you recall the saying that 'happiness is a fleeting feeling'. We like the delta H. Because after you reach the maximum oxytocin level, the graph will slowly go down, returning to its equilibrium position at Y=0. 

Delta H is like an ecstasy. Once you try the immense satisfaction you get when you experience Delta H, you will want more. The analogy is like trying a stronger and more addictive drugs. Imagine that all your life, you were only exposed to Cocaine. You like cocaine so much that you think there's no better drug than cocaine. But, one day somebody approached you and gave you Heroin. The feeling you got was out of this world, it brought you into the 7th heaven; but you were only able to tried it once. You could have more, only under two conditions: you have to leave cocaine behind and help your friend by working for him in the black market. Will you do that? Yes! Of course you will. The decision to leave cocaine behind was not even a coerced one. Somehow you feel that cocaine no longer suit your taste, as you have tried something better, the heroin. 

Yes, bigger delta H is like a stronger drug that you cannot live without once you took that first sip.

But I believe that happiness is still yet an abstract matter, which has more than just 2 axis to measure. Perhaps it has a 5-dimensional shape, incomprehensible to all of us who has a mindset of thinking only to 3D. 

If I were to draw happiness of every single person living in this planet, I would draw it into a sphere, with every single human being be one particle in its horizontal diameter. Each particle has to travel different lengths at different axis-es  to complete the whole sphere from that point.

So to wrap up, Happiness is a very complicated matter, but yet we all try to have as big (and as much) as oscillations to get more delta H when we live. The story of Andrew just prove my point right, and I think you might feel the same too about your life after reading this post. 

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Random Thoughts 2.

Today VJC held its own annual higher education fair called EdVantage for its students in the hall. I am pretty much used to visiting higher ed talks, it's really nothing new to me. But much to my surprise, many people were quite overwhelmed. Not knowing where to go, pushed to go along wherever the crowd seems to flow, being entrusted with thick brochures -- I see my friends' faces go blank. Lost faces everywhere.

Thinking about our future career -- it sounds like a daunting task for many. For the past 16 years, our lives are pretty much dictated by The System. Pre-school, Primary School, Secondary School, JC. Subjects are thrown to you to mug, then slowly but surely you cut them down one by one until you are left with four things you like best. But now, you are free to choose! Free to even stop following the conventional System's way. No one judges you for being a dancer. No one cares if you become a comedian. Seriously no one.

But you think people care, so you don't become one. And you choose to be somebody whom you think the System wants you to be.

Today I went to Changi Airport Group talk to find out more about the different departments inside the operating management. All this while I thought everything is under one body, but apparently their jobs are separated to many different departments. There are Creative Department, AirHub, Commercial... and many more. The more slides they showed us, the more eager I am to work in Changi. For once, I  finally know where I want to go and what I want to do. My passion has always been to work with a team to create a memorable experience for others. Through my experience as a Hostel Comm, I found myself enjoying these things -- being busy and creative. It all pays off when you see the smiling faces of those who enjoy your event. I feel very fulfilled, and I instantly know that I want to do this for the rest of my life.

I have never thought that Changi Airport would be a possible avenue for my hidden passion. I have always travelled back and forth Singapore for probably 30 times before realizing that airport is actually a magical place. It is the place where I feel the most excited (for being able to go back to my home country) but yet it is the place where I feel the saddest (when have to leave my friends for months before I get to see them again, or when I need to send my parents off). It was indeed a very special place, but I have always taken it for granted.

And after awhile, I realized that I only feel such intense emotion in Changi Airport, and not in Soekarno-Hatta Airport. CGK has somewhat turned to a transit place for me. A gate which separates the city I am familiar with and the plane. I enter, I wait, and I fly. With nothing to explore, CGK has failed to create that memorable feeling of extreme sadness or joy to leave Indonesia. And then I wonder how would tourists compare their feelings when they leave Indonesia and Singapore. Is it different? I suppose leaving Singapore becomes really hard when you have a pleasant experience in the airport. It is the last place to leave a mark on your mind, creating this unwillingness to leave, and strong desire to someday come back again. I feel Indonesia is lacking in terms of leaving such indelible impression in the hearts of tourists, although I personally believe we have so much more to offer than what Singapore does. And I think the onus is on me to create this wonderful lasting experience in our airport someday.

As I reached my hostel room, I took some time to read the brochures they gave me, particularly those related to Changi scholars. There is this column about what makes scholar... a scholar. As in, they discuss about various traits of a scholar whom organizations are scouting for. And I found myself fit into those traits. By now I forgot what are the 3 traits they mentioned in the magazine, but one of them was something to do with the never ending desire to make a contribution. When my classmates ask me what I want to be in the future, I seem to have clearer directions of where I want to go to and WHY. It is not an easy process, but definitely something which one can develop over time. It takes time, patience, and clear mind to ask the same question over and over again: why. I keep projecting my future-self and ask myself, will I be happy if I do this? When I was much younger I'd like to be a rich boss. And for that, I was planning to work in oil company. But again, why? If I were to become a boss, will I really be happy? What will prevent me from quitting my job? If I were to meet someone very attractive and the prospect of marrying him is looming nearby, will I become a mother instead? Or should I just be a mother right after I graduate? People say giving birth to a child is the most fulfilling role in life, but is it really? When times get hard, and my grades were not so good, I sometimes feel that starting a family is a viable option. No need to study so hard la, just be a good mother can already. But again I'm not convinced. I sit back and think of what I value most in life.

It was a blessing in disguise that I meet someone during my sec 3 year here. Through this person I see the importance of searching for reasons why you truly live for. To start creating that rough sketch of your own life grand plan, which helps you to make any decision in the future. True, you have no say in determining what shape to draw in the paper called life, but I think we, as magical pencils, have the mouth to sway the mind of the Artist. As long as we persist, and keep on envisioning it, the Artist will let us sketch the shape we want, and He will help us to touch up the ugly lines. If my analogy doesn't make sense to you, ignore it. At least I understand myself after writing my thoughts down. As my friend said before, writing it down doesn't mean that you want the whole world to know. It's okay if they don't understand what you are trying to say, but at the very least, you understand yourself better.

Today marks the day when I get to know myself a liiitle bit better. Thank you me, I love you even more after today.

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The Lady.

I cannot remember the last time I felt deeply moved by a simple movie. Perhaps it was last year when I watched the Imitation Game (post can be viewed below). Today I decided to watch The Lady, a film depicting Aung Saan Suu Kyi's life struggle.

It was my history tutor, Ms Fatma who firstly showed us this movie months back when she was teaching the Decolonization of Burma in one of her lecture before June holidays kicked in. She showed us a 3-minute clip of how her father was assassinated by the Junta military group before they managed to attain independence in 1947. I told myself to download the movie after school, but it is only today that I brought myself to really open the file and watch it.

All my life, I found that it is highly unlikely that I will be able to relate myself to a political figure -- especially when you are taught that politics are dirty and complicated. More over, not a single Indonesian President deserves my respect or admiration so far (with the exception of perhaps Sukarno and Jokowi).

All my life I feel disappointed with the key leaders of my country. Corrupted, selfish. What is there to be proud of? Then this movie came about.

I was so inspired by Aung San's determination and endless love towards her country of birth. My favourite quote was:

I might have lived nearly all my life abroad. I might have married a foreigner. But these facts do not lessened my love and my devotion to my country.

It is simply amazing to see how she kept to her words through out her ups-and-down in Myanmar. Her separation from her ailing husband, her beloved children -- whom always have been their pillar of support -- failed to discourage her from continuing her mission. Perhaps it is the people's love for her that makes her stay. To fight on. To not give up. To dedicate her entire life on a cause.

How can one be so selfless? If I was to have such a loving family, I would see myself distracted from what I dream to become of. Only this morning, my physics HOD shared about his career journey; how he left his job in oil company just to be reunited with his children, and becoming a teacher instead. I guess it's all about choosing the right option. But really, option for whose good? My own good? Or for the good of others?

Anyway, I want to be somebody like Daw Suu for Indonesia. Courageous and charismatic woman. Wonderful and likable in her own way. There hasn't been such figure from Indonesia, but I can learn from my neighbouring country. I told myself to visit Myanmar someday later.

Few hours ago I was engaged in a conversation with my roommate about how she fear for not having to marry anyone in the future. Her friend told her not to worry because she is a wonderful and intelligent person, but she is deeply aware that most don't value girls' intelligence that much. In fact, they fear them. Inferiority, isn't that the worst feeling that a guy can have? Pretty looks, isn't that what all guys are eyeing for?

But I suppose in the end, I can still to choose to have the best of both worlds too. Looking at Daw Suu's love story and perhaps Lee Kwan Yew's, it is still possible to share a life with intelligent special someone who share the same values as I do. They say, behind a great man stands a great woman. I believe great man and woman stand next to each other :)

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Unbowed. Unbent. Unbroken.

I'm starting to lose the kind of flow of writing I acquired before O Levels, so I might as well start getting used to write more to prevent writer's block in 3 weeks time (MID YEARS IS COMING). Aside from that, I learnt that writing your thoughts can be a good stress relief, ... or boredom relief (in this case).

Unbowed. Unbent. Unbroken.

Something that I found really inspiring and captivating from Game of Thrones. Something that I can relate to myself, and something that I aspire to become as I continue living my life.

About 2 months ago, I had a severe quarter-life crisis. Losing my sense of purpose, I became greatly disappointed with myself. Perhaps it's all parts and parcels of adjusting to new stage of life, Junior College. Everything is so fast-paced. Moreover, my fear of rejections put me in a pitfall. Life goes on, people move on, but I am stuck.

I used to be somebody who's driven. Knowing what to do, what the steps are, working my ass off to get what I want. But when you can't envision yourself in the future, that's when my engine stops working.

These days, I invested more time deciding what I want to be in the future. My experience in MUN (Model United Nation) last week, as well as NTU Engineering Day Challenge brought me new and fresh perspectives. It's time to set new goals, new aspiration, and work towards it.

I figured out that I don't want to be a politician, or President for that matter. MUN-ing was not particularly enjoyable to me. I don't see how making and signing resolutions will create a better Indonesia, and I saw a lot of flaw and ineffectiveness of the entire system. So yes, goodbye political science.

In stark contrast, my visit to NTU was truly an unforgettable experience. I had a clearer understanding of many different branches of engineering, and truly delighted to see many possible areas to explore in. I was fascinated.

And so today, I started to set my eyes on possible universities that I would like to go to. Surfing through different websites gave me inspiration, the type of fuel I need these days to be consistent in my studies. Now I know where I am going, and this is a promise that I made to myself: I will get in to MIT.

God works in different ways, and has proven to always granted my desire and wishes if I really need it. I may not be the best from my city, but He blessed me with this A*STAR scholarship. I may not be the best among the other scholars, but He granted me a place in JC of my dream, VJ. And this time, I believed that I will marvel at his work one more time, as He conspires to help me achieving my next goal.

I don't believe in paper chase. For me, getting into MIT is not a matter of prestige to get a high-paying job when I graduate. It's a matter of learning the best from the best, which will be able to equip me in creating a better Indonesia. The journey to secure the grades will be a treacherous climb, but as long as I have faith in myself, and keep on persevering, it has never been an impossible thing.

Unbowed. Unbent. Unbroken.

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Socializing

School kicked in just a week ago and I am already emotionally tired.

Never in my life did I feel that socializing is tiring until yesterday. JC started off with orientation week, organized by the school councilors, whereby we -- the freshies -- were grouped into 6 different OG, namely Valkador (mine), Khizora, Aphrode, Primitus, Revozone, and Xenois. The orientation theme for this year was AEON, which means 'timeless' in some foreign language. Those 6 OGs represent 6 different eras of time, who then must compete against each other to defeat the Dark Lord and retrieve the time capsule in order to revive the dying Time Lord. The winning team shall be declared as the savior of Time, restoring our human time back to normal. The entire orientation concept was extraordinarily novel and creative, kudos to the OGLs and SC Orientation Ad Hocs!

Although we had our big time during orientation, the programmed stretched for way too long. For that entire week, I had to scream at the top of my lungs, stomping madly on the hall's floor, jumping to the beat of our cheers and more. Not to mention the effort I put in to know my sub OG members. In VJC, one had to appear amicable at all times, be hyped wherever you are, and speak out. One cannot simply sit down and be a spectator. We needed to show our pride as a Victorian; otherwise, you will be the outcast. The one whom people don't even bother to speak with or maybe even notice.

At first, I thought this school was the right school for me. As a former Sanurian, there is nothing excites me more than cheering for my friends competing on the dance floor, or caroling together during Christmas. But boy, things have gone way too much for my taste. I have never felt this socially tired before I entered VJC.

Everyday, orientation ends very late. And, to top off everything, we usually had sub-OG dinner together, followed by games and late conversations with friends in my OG. Then, when we get to be posted to our classes, I need to re-introduce myself to different groups of people. More class lunch and dinner after orientation ends. I can be very social, but I desperately need a time for myself after being extremely social. Especially when I got very exhausted at certain days. I would just shut myself down and stop being so bubbly. I had my moods.

Thus I decided to spend my whole Sunday with myself. I was supposed to meet my batchmates from CJCH, but then as much as I wanted to join them, I really locked myself in the study room and read up lecture notes. Initially I had no intention for mugging, however actually learning new things can be a way to spend a quality time with yourself. 

Class officially starts tomorrow. All the best for me. Here's to surviving term 1-2.

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The Imitation Game

Dear blog. I just finished an amazing (to say it amazing itself is an understatement) movie, The Imitation Game. I would say that it is not the movie which inspires me to write this post, but rather Allan Turing's very own life story, in and of itself, which stirs me most.

A quick recap of the movie (SPOILERS ALERT), Allan Turing was a genius mathematician who spent the last years of his life decoding Germany's Enigma, a machine used to send cryptic messages during the World War II. Together with his 5 fellow equally exceptional code breakers (the best in England) they dedicated 2 years of their lives to create this machine named Christopher, since Turing believed that not even the most genius mind of England could break Enigma within 18 hours. Yes, the German coding system will alter itself every 00.00, thus they must all decipher the code before midnight; daily. And if they fail to do so, they had to start all over again every time the clock strikes 00.00

What really bothers me about Turing is that he was an outcast. He was never liked by anyone in his school except Christopher, his childhood friend. One heartening quote which leaves me thinking after the movie ends is, Sometimes it is the people who no one imagines anything of who do the things that no one can imagine.

And then I sort of went into a trance and wondering if I will ever get to live such an abnormal life like his. All I want is to contribute to the humanity, doing something significant in my life; not for me, but for the world. It would be a great privilege not to just existing and living on this Earth, but to actually do something, make something, or save the world from disaster, or just to make people's lives better.

One reason why I choose my future career path is that I can actually make something out of it after I have graduated. I want to be the agent of change, the driver of change. I want to invent things which other people have not had yet in mind. I want to do something revolutionary, just like what Mr. Turing did. This is partly why I always keep my musicality as a hobby and not a good career prospect. It's not about the earnings (initially it was about the earnings) but as I grow up I truly understand that my life needs to mean something more than just piling up some cash. To change the world for the better, you can't only be an artist. You need science.

And the journey as a scientist or any jobs related to science is not a bed of roses. While it might seems like one (talk about the high payroll and social status), you will discover the thorns. Firstly, I am not a gifted student. I like Physics, but I am not the type of student who can do the test with my eyes closed. For me, science is all-intriguing and I love to learn more about them (I seriously do!); however it has never been my strongest subject. As a matter of fact, I don't have any particular strong subject. I'm just a mediocre hard-working student who is gasping in this gargantuan ocean filled with big fishes (meaning Einsteins). Realizing this causes me to shrink even more; sending me to this devastating vortex of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of achieving nothing. Fear of merely being another ordinary.

Just right after I finished my movie, my friend texted me to ask for a help in an volunteer work he is taking part in. And I'm like: ....I have done nothing. What have I been doing with my life. Am I wasting my time? Am I wasting my opportunities?

There is so much liberty in a holiday, that I can do almost anything I want; ranging from practising my violin to reading books. What terrifies me is that lately, is that I started to perceive my hobbies as something... unproductive. Absolutely awful. Isn't the whole idea of holiday is to sort of wind down? To relax your mind and basically do whatever you feel like doing?

Am I overthinking? Do I need to even worry that much about my life? Do other people think the same way? Why all my Indon friends seem to be comparatively clueless about it? Am I making too much of a big deal out of a simple life? Am I meant to just lead an ordinary life? Finishing school, graduating from university, getting a job, marrying a significant other, having kids, waiting them to grow up, and die? Is that all?

Does life has something in store for me? Am I meant to do great things? If yes, what should I be doing now? Or...should I just let it flow?

I don't know, seriously. I just don't know.

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2014.

January is approaching to its end (omg I honestly feel that new year was only like a week ago), but I haven't properly list all the things that happened in 2014. There were thousands of things to be grateful about, but I guess it can be cut down to just a dozen or so.

1. For getting into VJC. The whole DSA preparation took me about a year, starting off as early as 2013. Determined to get in, I studied my piece like it was a bible, practising the same bars for hours, with depressed sighs which can be heard even by the passers-by (like Uncle Bernie hahaha). Frustration forced me to throw tantrum at times, falling into this whole vortex of depression, since I couldn't seem to be able to reach my violin mentor's standard. It took me lots of painful comments and dissatisfied rantings from her to compel me practising hard. I have rewind Janine Jansen's performance video hundreds of time to mimic her musical passion and technique (esp bowing. She's extremely generous in her bowings). You can almost see my entire score being wrecked by my illegible scribblings in different coloured pens for the first 4 pages. My new iPhone 5s was exploited for a good reason, to record my own performance, again and again and again, tirelessly. When I reached the point where I couldn't even listen to the song without getting sick, I persevere for a few more days. And I succeed. It was tiring, and stressful (since I had to juggle with all the crazy school work too), but all worth it. I'm a Victorian!

2. For meeting my new best bud, Lize. I really have no idea how we end up being so close now, but after awhile I grow comfortable around him, and even have a habit to read newspaper together every weekend mornings. I think it mostly because we shared our problems together and helped each others' back when we can. Certainly sbd that I will miss dearly in VJ this year.

3. For that certain somebody whom even though what we had between us will never be the same again, I will always cherish our heartfelt moments together. The dreams and fears I've shared with, the inside jokes and wonderful moments (and the bad ones); It is a blessing to have our paths crossed at some point.

4. For my whole IJ experience. Getting to know more about my best buds at school, Sharan, Penny, and Shruthi. Penny for keeping me motivated as always, for making me laughed inappropriately to your inexhaustible ambition. Sharan and Shruthi, who made lessons less boring with our inside racist jokes (sorry for making fun of our diversity :P), thank you for 'surviving' with me in Literature lessons.

5. For my brother. We grew even closer as the year came to a close. With so many things going on within our family, I guess he's the only reason which keeps me anchored to the ground of sanity. When life gets rough, he will be the one who understands all the time. Never judging and less sentimental than me. Perfect.

6. For my roommate, Monik. After a year settling down in Singapore, I've come to conclude that I am very lucky to have her as a roommate. I think we compromise together and that's how I end up really liking her. We share stuffs like food, clothes (perks of having same size body), and other things. There were times when we really got frustrated with Literature that we decided to revise together with our senior. Or there were times when we become the only living people existing in the girls' corridor because everyone just go down to mug and modus HAHAHA. We fought bees together, we fought hard, and we won! Using broomsticks and dictionary we killed a dozen and swept them off the window. Another sbd whom I miss when I enter my JC life because she's going to another school :(

7. For my entire cool batch mate whom I can't personally write down. Thank you for being extremely awesome, we've bonded through numerous random group outings and food. For all the laughter in that Sentosa beach, the outing in Ubin Island (HOSCOMMS!), for the daily conversations we had in the dining hall or slopes or anywhere around the hostel.

8. For my mom, whom I am thankful for years since I was born. For being there when I feel down, for surviving in Indonesia when I'm not around, for the endless love you've given me everyday, for coping with my monthly bad mood, and for being there when I feel joyful. My last month in 2014 was well-spent, thanks to you Mom.

9. For Uncle Bernie, who was by far the most non-Singaporean-like Singaporean. Your extraordinary way of thinking and wonderful smile are what I look forward most in the weekends. Definitely, one of the few who left a mark in my Singapore journey. Thankyou for believing in me when my mentor seems to lose all her hope hahaha.

10. For the wonderful Maam Tee. She reminds me a lot to my elder brother and my Indo teacher back then. Full of spirit, dedicated, and inspiring. One of the few who genuinely care about our well-being and personal life as a foreign student. She never let any MOE shit chained her from teaching us invaluable out-of-syllabus lessons. Thank you for believing in me when almost IJ teachers believe that I'm incapable of improving in language.

11. For the O Level experience. It was tough. I felt like giving up half through (we all did), but we did it! The whole 3 months (more or less) experience had pressed me to go beyond what I'm capable of, to leave me reflecting about several things, and let myself practice my self-constraint.

I guess that is pretty much everything. Listing them all down has a therapeutic effect on my fingers and mind. Hmm, I should do this more regularly (like once in a year) to fully appreciate what life had in store for me.

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Gender Identity and Platonic Friendship

Dear Blog. Just a few days ago, I had a hard time shutting down my brain and closing my eyes for nearly 3 consecutive hours. Perks of long holidays: you won't need to worry about school in the morning. Yay! So I let my mind wandered that midnight. Feelings come and go and vanish into thin air. I was fine the next morning.

BUT, a conversation with a friend last night left me thinking one more time, compelling myself to pull another all-nighter to investigate things. In this case relationships.

As most of you should have fairly recognized by now, I tend to hang out more with those of my opposite gender than those of my own. (Two years ago I know nothing about boys and voila I escaped from the 'green jail' <Sanur> and entered a kingdom of freedom! Hurray to life!)

My Indo ex-school mates always raised the same questions over and over again: got boyfriend huh? accompanied by the same sneaky smirk and a little nudge to my elbow every time I had some reunions. And they will always get the same reaction: no leh. Jomblo hahaha. (poor me)

Anyway, it turns out that they have been stalking me quite thoroughly through my instagram account (without liking most of them, that's why I didn't know that they were actually active stalking users), scrolling almost all my recent pictures, making a controversy out of some pics which feature me with some guys. (They even thought Benji was my bf since I ran 11 km with him and posted it in insta XDD brb rotfl)

They all act surprised, the idea of entering college scares most of them because they have been way too comfortable with single-sex school that they giving up interacting with boys altogether. I would say that it's the other way around. Sanur taught me not to put on an act when I interact with anyone, be it amongst the girls or not (shameless), yet it helped me to just be who I am, and not acting all lady-like to impress some shits.

But I truly wonder why it doesn't apply to everyone when the majority of my cohort mates are experiencing the same thing on a daily basis. So I decided to go online and search for an answers. I once believed that it has something to do with my past, thus I let anonymous people to offer me some logical explanations after a bit of my background.

Firstly, one argues that I feel more comfortable with guys because they are just less judgmental (hmm.. I would like to think like that as well). I don't get to compete with guys in terms of looks, grades, attentions, or opportunities (since we go to different schools here), and men do not compete with me. We co-exist, and we do it just fine (If my hypothesis is correct, all this will change as I enter a co-ed junior college). I feel less threatened, as compared to my girl friends who practically share the same hostel corridor and classroom 24/7. Perhaps, I subconsciously wanted to be like some of them in some ways, and that makes me subconsciously jealous, and thus repelled myself (again subconsciously). Traits associated with girls like gossiping can also be a major reason why I don't usually share the other side of my story (unless I've come to trust you whole-heartedly). Although girls are probably more sensitive than guys, I'm the type of a person who welcome a straight-forward / to-the-point inputs; and feelings often comes secondary. So, to spare me the complexities of a woman and my own frustration, I choose to flock to men. It's a safer bet and it boost my self-esteem; saving me from the pain of rejection.

Then I wonder if my friendship with people I am closed with shall stay platonic forever. A friend of mine believes that a relationship between two supposedly attracted individuals cannot remain as platonic. Sooner or later, one of them will feel 'more' than just friends, and there is where things get complicated. As much as I wanted to deny this, I feel that it makes more sense from day to day. It's so difficult to define the boundaries of friendships that I wish that I was born as a male instead to make things less sophisticated.

To clear things up, I have never purposely choose to befriend with a specific gender. Not that I remember.

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One More Week to JC Life.

Hi blog. Receiving my O Levels results yesterday. Mixed feelings happened. Extremely grateful to a very large extent (never thought I would kick ass in my two most problematic subjects, Literature and English), with a minor disappointment for some eyesores to my supposedly pristine (haha) cert. Well, then there you go, *cue background song*  You can't always get what you waaaaaannnt. You can'always get what you waaaaaaaant. But if you try sometimeeeeees you just might findddd. You get what you neeeed.

Geez that song immediately struck me and I was like, wow thanks for the awful reminder.
Hate it. No. That won't do. Never a second will I believe it. That's practically the worst advice one can ever give. Ever. If somebody ever try to console me with such crap I would probably banish him or her into my remote island of strangers (that's how Xinran probably put it).

No, I'm not implying that sbd just got banished. I'm fine. Totally fine now. Not to worry. It's just that somehow it is a very appropriate time for me to post something related to psychology after receiving the results.

Oh yes hi I read psychology stuffs now ha ha ha (God, it was only 2 years ago that I spent my free time doing nothing but fantasizing about One Direction and look at me now, reading university textbook ^_^")

You see, recently I read something about this interesting theory called cognitive dissonance. I was instantly hooked because I was totally blind to this somewhat abstract idea which I (beyond question) encounter almost every day as a perfectionist.

Cognitive dissonance is simply a state whereby your beliefs and reality contradict one another, creating this feeling of discomfort; and thus you will try your best to reduce it. (This is where it gets interesting).

If my one line explanation seems insufficient, you can always look it out in Wikipedia page or other psychology websites in the Internet. Be my guess. Leave this page and open the search engine. This post won't go anywhere anyway. Proceeding with insubstantial understanding may lead to confusion and misinterpretation.

Humans are extremely fragile. Everyone has this self-defense mechanism to downplay any possible threat to what they uphold in life. That is the sole reason why reducing cognitive dissonance is supremely vital to protect (my) self worth.

Basically I've been telling myself that (firstly) comparison is a thief for happiness. Yesterday I was like a TOTAL WALKING CONTRADICTION. I've always believed that comparison is necessary to drive one forward and aspire to be better. Although sometimes I told myself and others (gosh realizing that I was an unintentional hypocrite) that one should set their own goals and stick with it, subconsciously I recognize that all of our expectations are actually relatively interlinked with others' expectations. Like, you know, diatas langit selalu ada langit idiom. After crossing my own finish line, I would rejoice and party and woohoo! but soon found out there are more prestigious races to participate in. Yes, it's like a rat race. (now the idiom feels literally apt).

So conclusion: I'm not a hypocrite. I have always believed the latter, but admitting the former to reduce my cognitive dissonance. (BAM. First attempt busted.)

Okay. In order to proceed a little bit deeper, I need to tell you more about my results. Implicitly, I did good for certain subject. The problem is, it's not extremely good (told you beforehand I'm a perfectionist). Frankly I was actually planning to pursue this particular subject further as my future career (now you would prob can guess what right ^_^" if youre still clueless then ha-ha-ha-bye you know practically nothing about me). Truth to be told, this heaven-sent mockery inside my head me said: "BUT YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. SURE WANT TO DO THIS MEH."
*Ba-dum-tsk*

Then I decided to share it with my friend. And she wrote this:

If you wanna be a (insert job here) , be a goddamn (insert job here) because from what i see of  your previous scores, something in it (Os) is really screwed up.
It could have been exhaustion, poor marking, or other shitty accidents. All these will change. And the only thing that will stay the same is your desire to do well in what you like to do, and if it is (insert job here), then nothing should be standing in your way.

Hahaha I love using brackets to mess up with you today.

My belief: If I were good enough I should be able to get the extremely good score.
But no I didn't. I know it is a one-time evaluation type of examination, which is relatively unfair to a more traditional exam system whereby average marks are taken over the years; therefore forming a better representation of the student's skill. But me, being as stubborn as I am, want a thorough and comprehensive understanding of a subject I particularly fond off. So read again the first line of this paragraph.

But no, as a form of reducing my cognitive dissonance I choose to listen to my dearest friend. I'm pursuing it in JC and most likely later in uni. Second attempt busted.

There are many other busted cases, approach from different angles just from this one (seemingly unimportant in a decade I bet) life event. Quite a large part of my confidence was destroyed last night, leaving me awake until 2 am and sleep deprived with obvious mood swings up until now.

Anyway. School is starting in 3 weeks time. My life as a Victorian is just about to begin! Congratulations to everyone, and if you are not following my line of thoughts just now, don't worry. Cognitive dissonance or any of this blog's content is not going to be tested in A levels. Cheers.

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