Too Much La.

Studying abroad promises oceans of possibilities to outgrow yourself; but at the same time, it exposes you to many challenges. It makes you vulnerable as you become the minority in this foreign land. You are different, and you can't help it but to meet people (natives) who will see you as a pest -- a threat to their own kind, as you join their rat race. No matter how hard you tried to blend in, there will always be something that gives away. Sometimes it's your face. Sometimes it's your weird accent. Sometimes, it's your grades which tells people that you are a scholar. The last one is the worst kind of stereotype which I hate most. It is not like we did it in purpose to annoy anyone. It is painful that some people can't just see pass through our grades and label us as scholars. It is fucking frustrating.

During my first 2 years in Singapore, I hated school very much. Teachers often singular us out as scholars, and my local classmates have had their own cliques, making it difficult for us to blend in. I don't really feel belong to IJ, and deep down, I really wanted to make friends with Singaporeans. But my poor English skills often put me down, and I was less inclined to converse with them in the first few months. They talked insanely fast like bullet-train and I barely could catch a word. After months of adaptation, I have improved quite a lot and gained quite a bit of confidence, I had high hopes in JC to really start anew.

JC is the time to re-invent myself, leaving behind the old me and meet new people. I do get along with my classmates now, and I really started to think that these people do not see me as a scholar. During PV session, I shared a bit with them about the pain of living away from your family, and how awful it is to label someone as scholar. Those who knew me quite long enough will know how I changed my accent since I came to VJ. Earlier this year I have promised myself not to adopt Singlish accent, but guess what I am officially adopting it now. I switch accents as I talk to different group of people. But really, adopting local accent gives me much leeway to blend in easily. I am really glad to be a part of my classmates and CCA now. Somehow I feel that the barrier no longer exists and I started to feel accepted here.

But honestly, I have no idea what goes into their mind everytime they see me every morning. Sometimes I wonder. Is it just Meidy or is it Meidy-the-Indonesian-scholar that they see?

Just when I thought I could blend in, somebody prove me wrong.

I seriously have no idea how to react to such offensive remarks I received today. I guess PW makes you feel frustrated and angered; but no one in the right mind would offend their group mate right behind her back. I didn't know if I even wronged him in the first place. The worst you can do is to curse the project, and not your partner. But congrats, I have made up my mind not to even act nice to you anymore. The insincerity of your apology speaks a lot of how you really mean what you said earlier. You can't swallow the words you have mouthed, and simply brushing it off as a 'joke' is really the most coward and shameful thing you can do. Claiming that you can't handle people well (read: socially awkward when it comes to saying sorry) won't solve the problem. You see, apologizing through another person CANNOT translates to sincere apology. If you genuinely want to restore the friendship, then at least some effort need to be done to really mend what you have ruined. You, need to grow up and take ownership of your mistakes.

I decided to not care and make myself feel better by buying a cup of coffee from Starbucks and reflect. I read a very insightful philosophical book, and even jot down some of the exciting plans for my country in my book-for-random-stuff if I ever become a president someday.

You know, one think that I learned from books is that psychologically, angry men wanted to inflict pain on their enemies, and obliterate them. He thinks that being angry will drive me away into a psychological diaspora of submission. He thinks such remarks will make me feel inferior, supposedly change they way I behave in class. Yes, I am reminded of my identity as foreign students but you are not even close in making me feel like I should give up any of my visions. I am an ambitious person and I won't, ever, let you get into my way. I simply need to cross you out from my list of people who mattered, and move on with life.


Lately I am exposed to different types of people, and it's just getting more interesting.




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