me being weird. or is it the new normal.

you know lately ive realized that i no longer talk as much as i used to last year. the number of sentences i utter per day has drastically plummet in a free fall, especially at school, be it during recess time or tutorials. im less engaged with the gang i usually associate myself with in class. its weird, and people are taking notice of it.

somehow i really dont give a single shit about what people are talking about (especially if its just random stuffs or failed attempt to prevent the lunch table from being quiet). i feel that those topics are boring, stupid, and unnecessary. its like id rather not waste my energy to talk about frivolous stuffs so id rather keep quiet. i guess this busy year really sucks all my energy until i cant even socialize. of course you know the life balance triangle thing right; to choose 2 of these following options: good grades, sleep, and socialize. its scary to realize that im NO LONGER SOCIALIZING. or rather, to see that my 'socializing' takes its new form.

i still talk to my closest friends in class like jingjing and tianke about my problems, or other more interesting things like the documentaries i watched. perhaps because i know that i can just be myself when im around them: i can be quiet and they wont ask me whats wrong. coz theyll know that i just need time for myself. and they wont think im weird, or awkward -- coz maybe they all went through the same period once in awhile.

a lot of people have been asking me "meidy whats wrong" or "meidy are u okay" just because i dont talk much during dinner or lunch with them. i just desperately need time for myself and save up energy, so can everyone pls stop asking me whats wrong? coz maybe this is the new normal for me. i have always been the serious type (i HATE jokes especially those that i dont get), and i like silence too. silence is not awkward pause. maybe i was just enjoying the food in front of me so im not particularly keen on engaged in any kind of conversation that forces me to gulp it down quickly. maybe i was just tired or going though pms period (this is the worst type coz im very very sensitive to anger and annoyance). so yes, im okay.

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tired af.

okay i know im NOT SUPPOSED to squander my precious time to go ranting in my blog BUT I DESPERATELY NEED TIME FOR MYSELF. anyway writing a blog is not only soothing to the mind but also trains my brain juice to flow for my second SAT which is this Saturday (4 more days).

this is 2nd week to school but i feel tired af (title is self-explanatory). i tried to convince myself that this will only last until april (coz my h3 ends in early may), but the tiredness and busy schedule is getting on my nerves. train ride back and forth NUS is really super time consuming (and tiring) because i cannot use it for studying (i study by scribbling and talking to myself) or sleeping (i need complete silence and darkness). the heck 6 hours every week wasted on train ride instead of resting (which i desperately need too).

i can hardly catch up with my work these days. the major annoying problem is MY SAT (which i will stop preparing for until this saturday) because i keep on piling my school work for this stupid exam. i really want to score a really good one this january, and the fear of not being able to do so (my usual paranoia) makes me feel even more pressurized. i dont want this score to be the obstacle from getting me into my dream uni. so yeah. 4 more days (sigh).

my yellow file keeps on getting thicker and thicker; MEANING i have lots of lecture notes to transcribe into my summary book. and my math tutorials are behind by 3 lectures already (usually im really behind by only 1). IH and SEA notes too, behind by 2 weeks worth of lectures (4 thick wordy notes to condense HELP).

basically im drowning in school work. cca isnt so helpful either because as im about to step down in few months i really feel that im still searching how to strike a balance between strict and friendly leader. im such a failure at this.

ok enough ranting i need to do more SATs. last lap, i need to push through until saturday.

(ranting in blog is not my thing, but i cant help it just for this time only. must be the hormones).

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