I wanna run away.

Think I can fly
Think I can fly when I'm with you
My arms are wide
Catching fire as the wind blows
I know that I'm rich enough for pride
I see a billion dollars in your eyes
Even if we're strangers 'til we die

I wanna run away

- Runaway (U&I) by Galantis (Kaskade Remix)

The above depicts my current mood. I cant believe my mom would not let me hang out with whoever i want to. bloody hell. her mindset pisses me off.

this morning i went to ask her permission if i can hang out with a friend of mine in lippo puri since he is left stranded in the mall all by himself as his mom is having a meeting. as expected, she answered 'no' with the most disgusting tone you can think of. i knew it's coming sooner or later because she got this inexplicable chiong with the guy (-_-)

and she would come up with all sorts of reasons why i should not spend the time alone with him because of that stupid basis that she cannot even explain herself. i mean come on: i AM ALMOST 20 YEARS OLD, and if i were to stay this way forever whenever im in jakarta i can kiss myself goodbye to having a 'normal' teenagehood. 

and it's not like im having a crush with this guy or something. how am i not supposed to get mad if i feel imprisoned in my own house.

 "oh yea its totally fine if youre hanging out in a group, but if it's just the 2 of you i would not allow it to happen"

i can scream at this total nonsense but i choose to write it in my blog cos im too intelligent to have an endless conversation in this topic. it would just be a total waste of energy and my fucking emotion. fuck it. and i can write whatever i want in this blog because this is my own space where she cant even get in. fuck society. fuck social expectation. 

it is understandable if ive got to do other things, but currently im totally free for the entire fucking day and she doesnt even let me to catch up properly with this friend. im running out of words to curse so i cant curse no more. she thinks shes doing me a favour. oh dear youre just a pathetic human being whos so heartbroken with your own shit and overthink a non-existent problem.

anyway ive been replaying this RPM song for like 5 times this day. especially the chorus part when the beat goes crazy. its my number 1 RPM song which i can spend 100% of my energy because ive never been so free.

that's it for now.

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how to deal with university rejections and uncertain scholarship application.

the answer is simple: isolate yourself in the room, write your thoughts in the blog (because blog really listens and does not judge), tune in to the most mellow coldplay songs, and weep.

honestly im so done with people telling me that "there will be some other opportunities available for you out there" or "god has a different plan for you". all i need is an acknowledgement that my current situation sucks. there is simply no need to add positive message at the end to make me 'feel better'. because it doesnt help. and it merely showed how ignorant you are to my feelings.

okay so as per now i have 3 conditional offers from UK: manchester, edinburgh, and UCL. 1 deferral from princeton. zero news from imperial. rejection letter from cambridge.

errrrgh i dont know how to feel about this rejection letter. ive gone through the interview, the assessment test, and it makes sense to get some sort of reward for sucking all up right. but the world is not a wish-granting factory, my friend.

i would probably render this university issue stupid in the near future, but it only makes plenty of sense to dwell in my sorrow today. writing helps to clear my head and figure out my next move.

it seems that i will have to start put my mind into UCL afterall, browse more about their culture, accommodations, exam style, etc. i should be excited about moving to london right? i mean, ive idolized one direction for almost 3 years -- at least i could adopt a british accent once i got back home.

perhaps the lack of familiarity towards the college throws me off. right now i have zero idea of what UCL is (i applied only because of the ranking). moreover what REALLY caused me extreme anxiety is the students themselves. a friend of mine said that UCL (and imperial for that matter), are filled with rich kids who often splurge their money overseas. this stereotype does actually hold some truth since anyone who attend the college need to pay a hefty amount of tuition fee. something that my dad would have to fork out half-heartedly. i dont want to turn into some borju kid in london. im scared that i wont have any friend to hang out with. in addition to how much i dislike the education system. oh my goodness im going to have a hard time convincing myself to willingly go there afterall.

my scholarship journey also has another problematic issue. i just had a phone call with ruo ming, my chij senior who did get the changi scholarship last year. after listening to my plans and intended career path, she was not sure herself that changi is meant for me. im far from being flexible and open minded about working in changi for 10 years or so, switching 180 degree from returning to indonesia and do what i want most.

ive bought a ticket to singapore to attend the first round of the test, so i had no choice but to still sit in despite everything i learnt today from ruo ming.

i fucking hate unplanned life, but it is something that i need to get used to. I CANNOT PLAN AHEAD MY OWN LIFE. and when i lose control of something i deemed important in life, i feel so messed up and insecure. and its crippling.










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mari kita berbahasa indonesia

untuk blog gua kali ini.. kita pake BAHASA INDONESIAAAA yeeeeey (sorry international friends this post aint for yall to read). sengaja pake bahasa indonesia karena inggris gua udah masyaoloh tercampur bak rujak ga keruan karena keseringan ngomong indo dan baca koran indo.

keseharian gua liburan kali ini cukup simpel, bangun pagi sarapan, bantu ngepel-ngepel, kadang masak, kadang suruh gosok lantai garasi. trus tuh siangan gitu gua bakal ngegym di fitness first TA sama tetangga gua axiom atau nyokap gua. eh udah sore trus waktunya baca-baca novel dan nonton tv. hidup, sangatlah simpel.

gua udah kebiasaan sama rutinitas gua yang super produktif versi indonesia sampe udah ga mempertanyakan apa yang gua pengen buat taun 2017 ini.

yang satu, kayaknya gua harus banyak berusaha mengembangkan ilmu gua deh. mungkin ntar ambil online course, harus bisa coding atau belajar bahasa jerman. biasanya sih pengen2 doang tapi ga pernah sampe tuntas. ntah kenapa di indo ga ada tekanan buat perform.dua minggu lagi gua bakal terbang ke singapur (lagi) buat interview scholarship changi. mulai agak panik sekarang.

nah gua mau curhat soal proses diet gua yang tak kunjung menunjukkan hasil yang memuaskan. proses diet itu (kata orang di yutub) sangatlah panjang dan melelahkan. KARENAAAA makan harus diatur, olahraga harus rutin walaupun lu bosen setengah mati. yes. gua sudah mulai bosen.

kenapa ya bosen. mungkin karena tiap hari perginya sama nyokap sampe ga ada bahan pembicaraan, mungkin karena gua latian sendiri sementara dia bakal ikut class, gua juga ga tau. lifting weights katanya bagus buat toning badan, tapi yaelah bosen bro setelah 4 hari. gua sih ikutin si fitness blender punya channel ya, gua ikutin aja si kelly ngapain. hebat banget gitu ya dia bisa rutin olahraga sampe fit. gua super inspired sama before after video dia. kayaknya dia tuh humble banget, dan kerasa kalo sebenernya wajar2 aja kalo semua orang punya masalah body image.

sebenernya seminggu yang lalu gua sempet depresi diem2 karena nyokap gua suka ngebatasin makanan gua. sampe gua takut tau ga si makan. soalnya dia suka bilang
- "nasinya ga usah dimakan"
- "gila kamu makan pagi udah banyak ngapain makan lagi"
- "udah setengah porsi aja"

dari perspektif gua sebagai anak ya, gua juga ga seneng sebenernya kalo makan diomelin. gila gua pengen kue lapis sepotong aja dimarahin coba, gimana ga depresi. kalo makan makanan dari kulkas, gua harus tunggu dia 1). pergi dari rumah atau 2.) mandi di lantai atas. SUMPAH GUA TAKUT BANGET dan rasanya ada perasaan BERSALAH setiap kali makanan itu masuk ke mulut gua. hidup kayak gitu bener2 ga enak guys.

padahal dari sudut pandang gua, makanan gua tuh ga overly banyak gitu loh. gua ngga makan sampe kenyang (GA PERNAH GUA NGRASA KENYANG. cuma 'gak laper lagi'). trus yang bingungin nya, dia suka kadang2 nyuruh2 gua makan yang ga sehat gitu. malem2 ditawarin snack lah kadang2, minuman manis disodor2 in lah. mana gua ga bingung? kalo gua tolak yang begituan berarti harusnya bisa makan 'snack' ala gue dong? gua udah korbanin tau ga makan coklat cuma sekali seminggu. trus kue lapis surabaya gua makan sepotong sehari. tapi parahnya masih diomelin tiap kali dia liat gua makan itu lapis surabaya. gua legit super bingung.

suatu saat gua ga tahan lagi dan end up nangis tanpa sepengtahuan dia. pas gua ke mall gitu ceritanya, siang2 jam dua, gua belom makan dan emang mau pergi gym. gua udah agak laper, tapi nyokap belum laper. daripada gua bilang gua laper ntar diomelin mending gua diem. bayangin guys, gua saking takutnya. sampe. ga berani bilang. kalo gua. laper.

trus barang nyokap tanya gua mau makan apa, gua jadi ketakutan. tanpa alasan! dia bilang "di cp mau makan apa?" trus tiap kali gua di depan restoran nya, gua jadi takut sendiri dan end up bilang "gak jadi deh".

alhasil gua tahan sampe sore deh si kelaparan itu. jujur gua takut banget ga beralasan. rasanya tuh kayak diterjang ombak kegelisahan yang super bikin stres dan paranoid gak jelas. untung besoknya gua biasa aja. shania bilang gua harus belajar masuk kiri keluar kanan. ya udah deh. gua ga pernah berani ngomong kalo gua punya masalah ini, kesannya kekanak2 an ya bisa takut sama makanan tapi pada saat yang bersamaan makan kalo ga ada orang yang ngliatin. kalo gua bisa menilai diri gua sendiri dari luar badan dan psikologis gua, gua bakal cuma geleng2 kepala dan bilang: bego.

tapi inilah kenyataan.

anyway cape ah gua. udah dulu ya.












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2nd january.

it's the third day that four of my distant cousins stayed over in my house. and i barely had a second to just be with myself yknow. im stuck with them for like every second of the day except when i slept (we even shared room so the only effective time i had for myself was when i doze off. it's horrible.) i couldn't read my books, watch my own movies, cook my own meals (because we always eat out to accommodate 6 people in the house). it's been really unsettling for the introvert me.

even if i went to the gym, i still had to listen to the music played in the gym (be it house music, rap, what shit not). my goodness, id like to listen to myself playing the guitar or just the classical music -- it would help to cool my frustration down.

as im writing my blog rn, the 2 of them are playing ipad NON-STOP. added with the endless giggling, my ears are officially tired. im even more concerned with my mom who had been tirelessly driving everywhere and coping with every kids in the family. she's the real hero man.

anyway, i read something that quite was quite bothering from Indonesia Etc. I thought of writing my thoughts down before i totally forgot about them:

1. the indonesia ive 'considered/recognized' so far is just jakarta, and nothing else. the outskirts of indonesia is at the other end of the spectrum, unbeknownst to many people who have lived quite comfortably in the giant bubble called city life. they still practiced their adat. Their adat has never made quite any sense, but be sure that one day, i need to deal with them if i were to implement anything in the outskirts of indonesia.

2. corruption is inevitable. apparently people living in the outer islands mostly desired to don the beige uniform with glistening badges pinned on it. working in a civil service is a dream job for many, and they are willing to do everything that it takes to be one. it is indeed costly to become one, often one has to borrow money to finance the campaigning and oc 'money politics'. hence once theyre in power, they had no choice but to corrupt as the basic salary of 500 usd per month is insufficient to return the money they had borrowed earlier. so a mental note to myself one day, there is a need to reform the method of campaigning. now i see why ahok is doing the fund raising thing today. mental reformation is needed.

on the side note, my cousins are bloody annoying. they're jumping all over my room when my mother is trying to sleep. i confirm dont want to have my own child. i cant even tolerate them omg theyre so restless. im watching an R rated movie in my laptop now and i cant even watch it without pausing it every 3 seconds because the smallest one would come to me and ask "when are you going to sleep". at this rate im going to finish my 3 hour movie in 5 hours time.









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