how to deal with university rejections and uncertain scholarship application.

the answer is simple: isolate yourself in the room, write your thoughts in the blog (because blog really listens and does not judge), tune in to the most mellow coldplay songs, and weep.

honestly im so done with people telling me that "there will be some other opportunities available for you out there" or "god has a different plan for you". all i need is an acknowledgement that my current situation sucks. there is simply no need to add positive message at the end to make me 'feel better'. because it doesnt help. and it merely showed how ignorant you are to my feelings.

okay so as per now i have 3 conditional offers from UK: manchester, edinburgh, and UCL. 1 deferral from princeton. zero news from imperial. rejection letter from cambridge.

errrrgh i dont know how to feel about this rejection letter. ive gone through the interview, the assessment test, and it makes sense to get some sort of reward for sucking all up right. but the world is not a wish-granting factory, my friend.

i would probably render this university issue stupid in the near future, but it only makes plenty of sense to dwell in my sorrow today. writing helps to clear my head and figure out my next move.

it seems that i will have to start put my mind into UCL afterall, browse more about their culture, accommodations, exam style, etc. i should be excited about moving to london right? i mean, ive idolized one direction for almost 3 years -- at least i could adopt a british accent once i got back home.

perhaps the lack of familiarity towards the college throws me off. right now i have zero idea of what UCL is (i applied only because of the ranking). moreover what REALLY caused me extreme anxiety is the students themselves. a friend of mine said that UCL (and imperial for that matter), are filled with rich kids who often splurge their money overseas. this stereotype does actually hold some truth since anyone who attend the college need to pay a hefty amount of tuition fee. something that my dad would have to fork out half-heartedly. i dont want to turn into some borju kid in london. im scared that i wont have any friend to hang out with. in addition to how much i dislike the education system. oh my goodness im going to have a hard time convincing myself to willingly go there afterall.

my scholarship journey also has another problematic issue. i just had a phone call with ruo ming, my chij senior who did get the changi scholarship last year. after listening to my plans and intended career path, she was not sure herself that changi is meant for me. im far from being flexible and open minded about working in changi for 10 years or so, switching 180 degree from returning to indonesia and do what i want most.

ive bought a ticket to singapore to attend the first round of the test, so i had no choice but to still sit in despite everything i learnt today from ruo ming.

i fucking hate unplanned life, but it is something that i need to get used to. I CANNOT PLAN AHEAD MY OWN LIFE. and when i lose control of something i deemed important in life, i feel so messed up and insecure. and its crippling.










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