Gender Identity and Platonic Friendship

Dear Blog. Just a few days ago, I had a hard time shutting down my brain and closing my eyes for nearly 3 consecutive hours. Perks of long holidays: you won't need to worry about school in the morning. Yay! So I let my mind wandered that midnight. Feelings come and go and vanish into thin air. I was fine the next morning.

BUT, a conversation with a friend last night left me thinking one more time, compelling myself to pull another all-nighter to investigate things. In this case relationships.

As most of you should have fairly recognized by now, I tend to hang out more with those of my opposite gender than those of my own. (Two years ago I know nothing about boys and voila I escaped from the 'green jail' <Sanur> and entered a kingdom of freedom! Hurray to life!)

My Indo ex-school mates always raised the same questions over and over again: got boyfriend huh? accompanied by the same sneaky smirk and a little nudge to my elbow every time I had some reunions. And they will always get the same reaction: no leh. Jomblo hahaha. (poor me)

Anyway, it turns out that they have been stalking me quite thoroughly through my instagram account (without liking most of them, that's why I didn't know that they were actually active stalking users), scrolling almost all my recent pictures, making a controversy out of some pics which feature me with some guys. (They even thought Benji was my bf since I ran 11 km with him and posted it in insta XDD brb rotfl)

They all act surprised, the idea of entering college scares most of them because they have been way too comfortable with single-sex school that they giving up interacting with boys altogether. I would say that it's the other way around. Sanur taught me not to put on an act when I interact with anyone, be it amongst the girls or not (shameless), yet it helped me to just be who I am, and not acting all lady-like to impress some shits.

But I truly wonder why it doesn't apply to everyone when the majority of my cohort mates are experiencing the same thing on a daily basis. So I decided to go online and search for an answers. I once believed that it has something to do with my past, thus I let anonymous people to offer me some logical explanations after a bit of my background.

Firstly, one argues that I feel more comfortable with guys because they are just less judgmental (hmm.. I would like to think like that as well). I don't get to compete with guys in terms of looks, grades, attentions, or opportunities (since we go to different schools here), and men do not compete with me. We co-exist, and we do it just fine (If my hypothesis is correct, all this will change as I enter a co-ed junior college). I feel less threatened, as compared to my girl friends who practically share the same hostel corridor and classroom 24/7. Perhaps, I subconsciously wanted to be like some of them in some ways, and that makes me subconsciously jealous, and thus repelled myself (again subconsciously). Traits associated with girls like gossiping can also be a major reason why I don't usually share the other side of my story (unless I've come to trust you whole-heartedly). Although girls are probably more sensitive than guys, I'm the type of a person who welcome a straight-forward / to-the-point inputs; and feelings often comes secondary. So, to spare me the complexities of a woman and my own frustration, I choose to flock to men. It's a safer bet and it boost my self-esteem; saving me from the pain of rejection.

Then I wonder if my friendship with people I am closed with shall stay platonic forever. A friend of mine believes that a relationship between two supposedly attracted individuals cannot remain as platonic. Sooner or later, one of them will feel 'more' than just friends, and there is where things get complicated. As much as I wanted to deny this, I feel that it makes more sense from day to day. It's so difficult to define the boundaries of friendships that I wish that I was born as a male instead to make things less sophisticated.

To clear things up, I have never purposely choose to befriend with a specific gender. Not that I remember.

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