The Imitation Game

Dear blog. I just finished an amazing (to say it amazing itself is an understatement) movie, The Imitation Game. I would say that it is not the movie which inspires me to write this post, but rather Allan Turing's very own life story, in and of itself, which stirs me most.

A quick recap of the movie (SPOILERS ALERT), Allan Turing was a genius mathematician who spent the last years of his life decoding Germany's Enigma, a machine used to send cryptic messages during the World War II. Together with his 5 fellow equally exceptional code breakers (the best in England) they dedicated 2 years of their lives to create this machine named Christopher, since Turing believed that not even the most genius mind of England could break Enigma within 18 hours. Yes, the German coding system will alter itself every 00.00, thus they must all decipher the code before midnight; daily. And if they fail to do so, they had to start all over again every time the clock strikes 00.00

What really bothers me about Turing is that he was an outcast. He was never liked by anyone in his school except Christopher, his childhood friend. One heartening quote which leaves me thinking after the movie ends is, Sometimes it is the people who no one imagines anything of who do the things that no one can imagine.

And then I sort of went into a trance and wondering if I will ever get to live such an abnormal life like his. All I want is to contribute to the humanity, doing something significant in my life; not for me, but for the world. It would be a great privilege not to just existing and living on this Earth, but to actually do something, make something, or save the world from disaster, or just to make people's lives better.

One reason why I choose my future career path is that I can actually make something out of it after I have graduated. I want to be the agent of change, the driver of change. I want to invent things which other people have not had yet in mind. I want to do something revolutionary, just like what Mr. Turing did. This is partly why I always keep my musicality as a hobby and not a good career prospect. It's not about the earnings (initially it was about the earnings) but as I grow up I truly understand that my life needs to mean something more than just piling up some cash. To change the world for the better, you can't only be an artist. You need science.

And the journey as a scientist or any jobs related to science is not a bed of roses. While it might seems like one (talk about the high payroll and social status), you will discover the thorns. Firstly, I am not a gifted student. I like Physics, but I am not the type of student who can do the test with my eyes closed. For me, science is all-intriguing and I love to learn more about them (I seriously do!); however it has never been my strongest subject. As a matter of fact, I don't have any particular strong subject. I'm just a mediocre hard-working student who is gasping in this gargantuan ocean filled with big fishes (meaning Einsteins). Realizing this causes me to shrink even more; sending me to this devastating vortex of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of achieving nothing. Fear of merely being another ordinary.

Just right after I finished my movie, my friend texted me to ask for a help in an volunteer work he is taking part in. And I'm like: ....I have done nothing. What have I been doing with my life. Am I wasting my time? Am I wasting my opportunities?

There is so much liberty in a holiday, that I can do almost anything I want; ranging from practising my violin to reading books. What terrifies me is that lately, is that I started to perceive my hobbies as something... unproductive. Absolutely awful. Isn't the whole idea of holiday is to sort of wind down? To relax your mind and basically do whatever you feel like doing?

Am I overthinking? Do I need to even worry that much about my life? Do other people think the same way? Why all my Indon friends seem to be comparatively clueless about it? Am I making too much of a big deal out of a simple life? Am I meant to just lead an ordinary life? Finishing school, graduating from university, getting a job, marrying a significant other, having kids, waiting them to grow up, and die? Is that all?

Does life has something in store for me? Am I meant to do great things? If yes, what should I be doing now? Or...should I just let it flow?

I don't know, seriously. I just don't know.

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