Escape.

I thought leaving Singapore allows me to escape my problems. Well, it does. But I came here only to face my other unsolved ones since 2013. And they are staring at my face every single day for the next 10 days. My life problems looks like a concerto, you think it's over and you -- as audience -- is ready to clap. But the Composer thinks differently. He would smile at the audience and nod to offer the sign of respect, but nevertheless waves His baton again for the more 'exciting' finale -- presto. 

Sometimes I wonder whether I will ever find a place to call home. Have you ever felt like you stuck in between? To never get to feel cozy in my own room at VHall because hostel rules and social expectations stall restrict you from doing anything you want. To never feel at home in Jakarta because the city has unfolded before your eyes, without you in it; as you see everything makes its headway without your consent. To feel lonely during holidays because you don't feel reaching out to your old friends, just because you postulate that they won't empathize or identify with the experience you had or the people you met all this while when you were away. Or simply assuming that they have already had their own lives and new friends; and that you're forgotten for good. (Which proves the notion that friends never really stay when you embark on a new life phase).

Sometimes I really ask myself if I want to really return here should my family are all gone. Would I still fit in? Would I have people to trust? Would people understand me? When I began to see myself adopting a foreign language and accent, I started to lose confidence in speaking my own native language. Watching a local TV headlines makes me cower for some reasons -- many words which I haven't been hearing for the past 2 years or so. When you think that your own native language sounds strange to your ears, you know that yo just lost a part of yourself.

And I seriously think that it's no longer fitting for me to aspire to become a president. I don't know if I really want to abandon the safer track which I can conveniently choose: diving into the business world like what most Indon-Chinese would probably do.

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