deactivating my instagram.

okay last night i decided to deactivate my instagram account. its a big step i know. ive been trying to avoid using instagram lately by intentionally deleting the app from my phone, yet it somehow always found its way back to my home screen because re-downloading it is just a click away. now, i plan to do it for good.

deactivating doesnt necessarily mean deleting the throwing account and photos into the dust bin. i can still reactivate it someday, but meanwhile no one can tag me pictures, photos, or see my profile. im non-existent.

quickly enough my mom realized that i disappeared from insta. my classmates too, because they wanted to tag me cny celebration pics. so i told them that i pull out from the insta world. at least for now.

the reason being this. the morning before i pressed the deactivating account, i found a very disturbing dedication post. i know its every person's right to post anything they like, but i cannot tolerate many of them. strange enough, i still carry on scrolling down my timeline. despite the hate, the jealousy, the sadness, and the hatred, i still return to this cave of negativity -- where i became anti-social and surrounded by negative feelings. it pains me, but i still like torturing myself anyway. masochist taking its psychological form.

sometimes i feel im not thin enough. that is particularly frustrating because my profile page is pretty much decorated by some random stuffs like photos of pencil case, swimming pool, the orange sky, or just my friends. not those with pretty filter, fashionable clothings, or latest food porn. i began to accept my body, but instagram is still holding me back sometimes.

i have a very strong principle to not post every single of my social life. i find its not necessary to prove the world that im having friends, or doing sth other than studying, but ironically im jealous enough to see posts of people having fun too. believe me, i do enjoy my life and go out a lot, but most of them went unpublished. seeing people posting every single thing they do makes me sick. of their narcissism, of their thirst and social insecurity. yes im disgusted, so i delete it altogether. (at this point i sound self-righteous but whatever).

instagram also makes me question my friendships, which is not supposed to be the case. a feature in insta means a lot, and people (even i too) use that to measure how much you mean to a person. scary. i feel im not doing enough to get the attention from the world -- from my friends. Two friendship conflicts almost ended up ugly because of instagram, and i realized that it is time to let go of this unhealthy social media.

anyway, i always have respect for ppl without instagram and ive always wanted to be like them. im done with collecting likes, weird compulsive disorder to check on my phone to check on other's peoples lives. its time to re-focus on my life and stop comparing it with seemingly perfect image of others.



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