humbled.

this week, my over-confidence has taken its toll on me. apparently i have taken things way too lightly until i became somehow arrogant -- not towards other people, but towards myself.

h3 lessons are really wearing me down bit by bit. this week is probably the worse. we started off with quantum theory, something that ive never heard before (it's unlike relativity where i at least had a slight idea of what is it about before i went for lectures). the mathematical involved in the topic is just crazy: sub here sub there, square this, cross that, combine this equation by plugging some equation from other topics, etc. its insane. what is worse is that THEY WILL TEST US ON DERIVATION QUESTIONS. and its not like something which you can just skip you know coz they can TEST A LOT OF IT and they carry like 10 marks on each of its own. and the formula is really no joke.

i like physics coz if you get the concept on how to apply, you can just plug in the data, BUT NO. in this h3 module IM DOING A LOT OF MATH (which a subject im not particularly fond of) so im always half dead after every lecture.

you know to internalize a topic and do the tutorials question, i need like 5 hours for every 7 questions i receive. its so time-consuming. i feel like giving up coz the school work demands a lot from me while i try to comprehend this abstract uni module. People can see my eyebags getting darker and me being moody like almost every week.

ive told myself that i should enjoy the journey of discovering something new, and i do. really. but it sucks the energy out of me, and im struggling to keep up with my CT1 preparation (which is left in dire strait) and my social life. barely had time for myself (except during MRT rides). oh well. barely had energy left for weekend jogging really. i tried my best to go for a swim once a week to find peace, but its difficult. sometimes im just too tired to even go out.

i feel really stupid and unworthy sometimes. a person like my vietnamese senior maybe can do it coz hes like a god in everything but maybe i stretch myself too much? i dont know. im overly-ambitious and not know my limit? maybe. is it good that i do this to myself? i doubt that.

moreover i received my SAT results yesterday and its really disappointing. i know no matter how well-planned my life is, HE has the final say on whether its His plan too. i started to think that he may not want me to end up in the uni of my choice so i googled some other options. receiving the score was a slap in the face, and honestly -- for the first time in my JC life, I teared up.

ok anyway yeah i learn how to be humble towards myself now. enjoy the proccess, be the person who asks stupid questions no matter how embarrassing, and be responsible of my choices. anyway if youre the smartest person in the room, youre probably in the wrong room.

For now, I am humbled.

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