we all have social insecurities.

hi there, it's been 6 months + after the last post. jc2 has been really busy with exams, one after the other, hence i couldn't really spare much time for writing anything substantial aside from probably using my spam for a short paragraph on things worth telling.

today marks the end of my non-stop 2 months of mugging for prelims. things didn't go so well as i thought. screwed up my physics paper 2 (it was fucking easy and i was too tired so i got so many unnecessary careless mistakes), math paper 2 (blame the draining chem paper the day before), and the whole chem paper (vj chem is notoriously hard). i wasn't too pleased with myself, but if i were to change anything for the last 2 months, i wouldn't do it in any other way (i would still slack and have fun with my roommates, although i could have used that time to mug or something. they're too precious). anyway, im glad it's over.

now i want to talk about the social insecurities i have (for far too long).

basically, i can't even tell who i am anymore. what my personality really is. i feel like i am never the same person around different people. and im really anxious about how people perceive me.

let's start with how i would behave in front of my number one girls, my roommates. i live in a four-bedded room, with shania, ester, and sasa. i think they are the people i can be fully 'myself' most comfortably with (although this is debatable because i don't even know if that 'self'' is my real self). no one would believe how shameless i am in this room. i would talk to toys. i would fantasize weird things like how my bear is giving birth to an mini size bear (which is drawn on an egg) through her belly button. i would fart loudly. i can tell them about all the things i see, watch, read, without ever being judged AND, (most importantly) getting feedback and more insightful comments from them. they know my weird family history. they know my arch-enemies. they know my best buds, and their weird fetishes. they know my problems. they know everything. they know me better than anyone in this world so far. im really sad to see that i have to leave them all in 2 months time. they make me happy when we are all stressed out for exams. no matter what, we would still have things to talk about, although we see each other for 24/7. for once, i felt like i really have really amazing and meaningful friendships with people.

next, let's discuss about how i behave in the classroom. my classmates think im super serious and hardworking mugger. i don't talk much. im a bit scary because i (seem) to not care about how people think about me (sometimes i eat alone and appear not to give shit). it's damn difficult to talk to me coz i seem to be disinterested in whatever they're talking about (it's true. i am disinterested). i can never be myself around them. i build a wall, it's a giant one. i don't like hiding behind the wall, but i cant even bring them down myself.

whenever im around jinjing or tianke, im gonna be another different person. im quiet, but sometimes talkative. i try to be cheerful and crack jokes, or gossips. but these less meaningful conversations will die away in 10 seconds. i cannot be crazy. i constantly feel that im trapped in this semi-myself mode. i can talk to them about my problems, or philosophical stuffs, but once it's exam time, we all couldn't help each other to stay sane. i would end up being depressed, surrounded by depressed people who cannot dig themselves out of their deep shit. and im influenced too. i usually distant myself away from them during darker period, as i just want to stay motivated. this sounds like im a horrible friend who's only around whenever people are happy, but i have tried to stay, really. it just doesn't work that way. but i still think they're good friends of mine, but maybe not someone whom i would like to spend everyday with.

whenever im around my cca friends, things are slightly better than class. i can be fully chatty and boss around (like i can just order aaron to do whatever i want HAHAHA). things are fun, people are more open to each other, and conversations have never turned into some darkish mood because we leave our school problems aside once we play music. it's heartening to have friends who would open up about their fun sides. and ill be fun with them too. people like haili, or jon and reuben. i would always treasure them with all my heart.

you see, i switch personalities very easily. actually, to be honest im just very different person in the class (although i used to not be like this), but i just wish to connect with people like my roommates and cca friends more frequently in life. who knows whats going to happen in uni man. but, i just hope that i'll find more sets of friends who can go as deep as my roommates in our friendship.

this blog post is shitty as fuck. lost all my flair for writing already.















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