we all have social insecurities.

hi there, it's been 6 months + after the last post. jc2 has been really busy with exams, one after the other, hence i couldn't really spare much time for writing anything substantial aside from probably using my spam for a short paragraph on things worth telling.

today marks the end of my non-stop 2 months of mugging for prelims. things didn't go so well as i thought. screwed up my physics paper 2 (it was fucking easy and i was too tired so i got so many unnecessary careless mistakes), math paper 2 (blame the draining chem paper the day before), and the whole chem paper (vj chem is notoriously hard). i wasn't too pleased with myself, but if i were to change anything for the last 2 months, i wouldn't do it in any other way (i would still slack and have fun with my roommates, although i could have used that time to mug or something. they're too precious). anyway, im glad it's over.

now i want to talk about the social insecurities i have (for far too long).

basically, i can't even tell who i am anymore. what my personality really is. i feel like i am never the same person around different people. and im really anxious about how people perceive me.

let's start with how i would behave in front of my number one girls, my roommates. i live in a four-bedded room, with shania, ester, and sasa. i think they are the people i can be fully 'myself' most comfortably with (although this is debatable because i don't even know if that 'self'' is my real self). no one would believe how shameless i am in this room. i would talk to toys. i would fantasize weird things like how my bear is giving birth to an mini size bear (which is drawn on an egg) through her belly button. i would fart loudly. i can tell them about all the things i see, watch, read, without ever being judged AND, (most importantly) getting feedback and more insightful comments from them. they know my weird family history. they know my arch-enemies. they know my best buds, and their weird fetishes. they know my problems. they know everything. they know me better than anyone in this world so far. im really sad to see that i have to leave them all in 2 months time. they make me happy when we are all stressed out for exams. no matter what, we would still have things to talk about, although we see each other for 24/7. for once, i felt like i really have really amazing and meaningful friendships with people.

next, let's discuss about how i behave in the classroom. my classmates think im super serious and hardworking mugger. i don't talk much. im a bit scary because i (seem) to not care about how people think about me (sometimes i eat alone and appear not to give shit). it's damn difficult to talk to me coz i seem to be disinterested in whatever they're talking about (it's true. i am disinterested). i can never be myself around them. i build a wall, it's a giant one. i don't like hiding behind the wall, but i cant even bring them down myself.

whenever im around jinjing or tianke, im gonna be another different person. im quiet, but sometimes talkative. i try to be cheerful and crack jokes, or gossips. but these less meaningful conversations will die away in 10 seconds. i cannot be crazy. i constantly feel that im trapped in this semi-myself mode. i can talk to them about my problems, or philosophical stuffs, but once it's exam time, we all couldn't help each other to stay sane. i would end up being depressed, surrounded by depressed people who cannot dig themselves out of their deep shit. and im influenced too. i usually distant myself away from them during darker period, as i just want to stay motivated. this sounds like im a horrible friend who's only around whenever people are happy, but i have tried to stay, really. it just doesn't work that way. but i still think they're good friends of mine, but maybe not someone whom i would like to spend everyday with.

whenever im around my cca friends, things are slightly better than class. i can be fully chatty and boss around (like i can just order aaron to do whatever i want HAHAHA). things are fun, people are more open to each other, and conversations have never turned into some darkish mood because we leave our school problems aside once we play music. it's heartening to have friends who would open up about their fun sides. and ill be fun with them too. people like haili, or jon and reuben. i would always treasure them with all my heart.

you see, i switch personalities very easily. actually, to be honest im just very different person in the class (although i used to not be like this), but i just wish to connect with people like my roommates and cca friends more frequently in life. who knows whats going to happen in uni man. but, i just hope that i'll find more sets of friends who can go as deep as my roommates in our friendship.

this blog post is shitty as fuck. lost all my flair for writing already.















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closing yet another chapter.

i still remember the days when i dreaded h3 so much during december hols. anticipating so much agony from the possibility of having to return late from school and face intellectually demanding concepts, i braced myself for yet another challenge unknown and stepped into that plane heading back towards Singapore. I looked out from the window next to my seat, somewhat knowing that i shall miss my homeland and the comfort it offers for the next 4 months.

I thought h3 will be an endless burden and source of frustration for the next 4 months. I should have believed my mom that i will somehow manage it anyway. And she's right. Here i am now, just a stone throw away from finishing my module.

Initially it was tough. As prof said just now: "stage 1 of learning is not knowing what you don't know". I realized physics is so much more than force, pressure, or projectile motion. When they meant Modern Physics, they really meant SUPER ABSTRACT STUFFS. I was so amazed and inspired after every lecture, yet disappointed at myself for not being able to fully understand the concept. Tuesdays and Fridays quickly became my new favourite days, despite the fact that they used to be one of those days when i just dragged my foot to school. 

Moreover, I started to dislike the topics covered in schools. I was very determined to understand my h3 module, to the point that i didn't care about school work as much as before. strangely, school tutorials were somewhat a hindrance that i need to get rid as soon as possible so i can read more about my module. still, whatever amount of time i spent on h3 did not make it into a breeze anyway.

thus, i reached the stage 2 of learning: knowing what i don't know. lab work took up quite a fair amount of my weekends. for every lab session we did, i would spend 4 hours to do a write up and calculations. (im not trying to boast but) our school lab reports were just pale in comparison with what we are doing for this module. i had the chance to fiddle with expensive machines, decay counters, radioactive materials, helium gases, and.... 200 dices (hahaha). we learn new things during lab sessions, since we had the opportunity to understand the theory taught during lectures better. after struggling with making report initially, i kind of got the hang of it eventually.

im not saying that it is a smooth-sailing experience. one of the downsides of this h3 module is probably the fact that i am not doing as well in school as last year. in average, i had 12-18 hours of less studying time per week due to travelling back and fort to nus -- exclusive of any extra time i spent on revising the materials. i had vague understanding of h2 topics across the subjects -- which probably explains my horrendous ct1 results. i was upset, yes. angry sometimes, for being incapable of multitasking everything and maintaining my standards. i broke down many times. undoubtedly, i feel worthless sometimes, questioning my capability to do the module after looking at my h2 grades in free fall. maybe ive gone too far. i have high expectations on myself, im not going to lie. the prospect of not excelling makes me frustrated and scared at the same time, but there is no turning back.

today is officially the last lesson we had before the exam -- which will take place in 12 days time. i felt a surge of emotions on my way to nus. my last 1.5 hr mrt ride to nus. my last piece of favourite bread (i always buy the same bread before lecture). the last time i see the lecture hall and listen to prof talking. last time sitting next to Mon and Viv, laughing at our awkward funny professor. i was partially glad that it's over (i took this module mainly because it ends faster than the internal h3), but i also felt a great sense of loss. i doubt i will still feel excited to go to school on daily basis. what to look forward too? school lectures are dry. everytime i ask things, basic standard reply would be 'it's outside the syllabus, you don't need to know'. i would probably feel wistful about my h3 experience after april is over. our prof's patience and humility are attributes i long to see in my jc teachers.

12 days to exam. wish me all the best.

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i wish i were a thai.

and i am at the lowest point of my life rn.

have been faking smiles all the way and forcing those laughter out. i am not well but i try to be positive. it's quite hard to pick myself up when people keep on reminding me how suck i am. started to get annoyed really easily with my class (who can only talk about results gosh). so yst i skip lesson (for the first time ever) to stay away from them. neither did i go for friends gathering today (coz i just feel like being anti-social thats why).

i just locked myself in the room, watching thai series to escape my current life. i tried jogging, it helped a bit, but i just need my me time. 2 days ago i broke down (again) now in front of my cca friends because of some shit that i probably render as stupid shit in the near future. anyway i feel very vulnerable rn and i want people to stay away from me.

gonna delete this post when i feel ready.

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humbled.

this week, my over-confidence has taken its toll on me. apparently i have taken things way too lightly until i became somehow arrogant -- not towards other people, but towards myself.

h3 lessons are really wearing me down bit by bit. this week is probably the worse. we started off with quantum theory, something that ive never heard before (it's unlike relativity where i at least had a slight idea of what is it about before i went for lectures). the mathematical involved in the topic is just crazy: sub here sub there, square this, cross that, combine this equation by plugging some equation from other topics, etc. its insane. what is worse is that THEY WILL TEST US ON DERIVATION QUESTIONS. and its not like something which you can just skip you know coz they can TEST A LOT OF IT and they carry like 10 marks on each of its own. and the formula is really no joke.

i like physics coz if you get the concept on how to apply, you can just plug in the data, BUT NO. in this h3 module IM DOING A LOT OF MATH (which a subject im not particularly fond of) so im always half dead after every lecture.

you know to internalize a topic and do the tutorials question, i need like 5 hours for every 7 questions i receive. its so time-consuming. i feel like giving up coz the school work demands a lot from me while i try to comprehend this abstract uni module. People can see my eyebags getting darker and me being moody like almost every week.

ive told myself that i should enjoy the journey of discovering something new, and i do. really. but it sucks the energy out of me, and im struggling to keep up with my CT1 preparation (which is left in dire strait) and my social life. barely had time for myself (except during MRT rides). oh well. barely had energy left for weekend jogging really. i tried my best to go for a swim once a week to find peace, but its difficult. sometimes im just too tired to even go out.

i feel really stupid and unworthy sometimes. a person like my vietnamese senior maybe can do it coz hes like a god in everything but maybe i stretch myself too much? i dont know. im overly-ambitious and not know my limit? maybe. is it good that i do this to myself? i doubt that.

moreover i received my SAT results yesterday and its really disappointing. i know no matter how well-planned my life is, HE has the final say on whether its His plan too. i started to think that he may not want me to end up in the uni of my choice so i googled some other options. receiving the score was a slap in the face, and honestly -- for the first time in my JC life, I teared up.

ok anyway yeah i learn how to be humble towards myself now. enjoy the proccess, be the person who asks stupid questions no matter how embarrassing, and be responsible of my choices. anyway if youre the smartest person in the room, youre probably in the wrong room.

For now, I am humbled.

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deactivating my instagram.

okay last night i decided to deactivate my instagram account. its a big step i know. ive been trying to avoid using instagram lately by intentionally deleting the app from my phone, yet it somehow always found its way back to my home screen because re-downloading it is just a click away. now, i plan to do it for good.

deactivating doesnt necessarily mean deleting the throwing account and photos into the dust bin. i can still reactivate it someday, but meanwhile no one can tag me pictures, photos, or see my profile. im non-existent.

quickly enough my mom realized that i disappeared from insta. my classmates too, because they wanted to tag me cny celebration pics. so i told them that i pull out from the insta world. at least for now.

the reason being this. the morning before i pressed the deactivating account, i found a very disturbing dedication post. i know its every person's right to post anything they like, but i cannot tolerate many of them. strange enough, i still carry on scrolling down my timeline. despite the hate, the jealousy, the sadness, and the hatred, i still return to this cave of negativity -- where i became anti-social and surrounded by negative feelings. it pains me, but i still like torturing myself anyway. masochist taking its psychological form.

sometimes i feel im not thin enough. that is particularly frustrating because my profile page is pretty much decorated by some random stuffs like photos of pencil case, swimming pool, the orange sky, or just my friends. not those with pretty filter, fashionable clothings, or latest food porn. i began to accept my body, but instagram is still holding me back sometimes.

i have a very strong principle to not post every single of my social life. i find its not necessary to prove the world that im having friends, or doing sth other than studying, but ironically im jealous enough to see posts of people having fun too. believe me, i do enjoy my life and go out a lot, but most of them went unpublished. seeing people posting every single thing they do makes me sick. of their narcissism, of their thirst and social insecurity. yes im disgusted, so i delete it altogether. (at this point i sound self-righteous but whatever).

instagram also makes me question my friendships, which is not supposed to be the case. a feature in insta means a lot, and people (even i too) use that to measure how much you mean to a person. scary. i feel im not doing enough to get the attention from the world -- from my friends. Two friendship conflicts almost ended up ugly because of instagram, and i realized that it is time to let go of this unhealthy social media.

anyway, i always have respect for ppl without instagram and ive always wanted to be like them. im done with collecting likes, weird compulsive disorder to check on my phone to check on other's peoples lives. its time to re-focus on my life and stop comparing it with seemingly perfect image of others.



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me being weird. or is it the new normal.

you know lately ive realized that i no longer talk as much as i used to last year. the number of sentences i utter per day has drastically plummet in a free fall, especially at school, be it during recess time or tutorials. im less engaged with the gang i usually associate myself with in class. its weird, and people are taking notice of it.

somehow i really dont give a single shit about what people are talking about (especially if its just random stuffs or failed attempt to prevent the lunch table from being quiet). i feel that those topics are boring, stupid, and unnecessary. its like id rather not waste my energy to talk about frivolous stuffs so id rather keep quiet. i guess this busy year really sucks all my energy until i cant even socialize. of course you know the life balance triangle thing right; to choose 2 of these following options: good grades, sleep, and socialize. its scary to realize that im NO LONGER SOCIALIZING. or rather, to see that my 'socializing' takes its new form.

i still talk to my closest friends in class like jingjing and tianke about my problems, or other more interesting things like the documentaries i watched. perhaps because i know that i can just be myself when im around them: i can be quiet and they wont ask me whats wrong. coz theyll know that i just need time for myself. and they wont think im weird, or awkward -- coz maybe they all went through the same period once in awhile.

a lot of people have been asking me "meidy whats wrong" or "meidy are u okay" just because i dont talk much during dinner or lunch with them. i just desperately need time for myself and save up energy, so can everyone pls stop asking me whats wrong? coz maybe this is the new normal for me. i have always been the serious type (i HATE jokes especially those that i dont get), and i like silence too. silence is not awkward pause. maybe i was just enjoying the food in front of me so im not particularly keen on engaged in any kind of conversation that forces me to gulp it down quickly. maybe i was just tired or going though pms period (this is the worst type coz im very very sensitive to anger and annoyance). so yes, im okay.

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tired af.

okay i know im NOT SUPPOSED to squander my precious time to go ranting in my blog BUT I DESPERATELY NEED TIME FOR MYSELF. anyway writing a blog is not only soothing to the mind but also trains my brain juice to flow for my second SAT which is this Saturday (4 more days).

this is 2nd week to school but i feel tired af (title is self-explanatory). i tried to convince myself that this will only last until april (coz my h3 ends in early may), but the tiredness and busy schedule is getting on my nerves. train ride back and forth NUS is really super time consuming (and tiring) because i cannot use it for studying (i study by scribbling and talking to myself) or sleeping (i need complete silence and darkness). the heck 6 hours every week wasted on train ride instead of resting (which i desperately need too).

i can hardly catch up with my work these days. the major annoying problem is MY SAT (which i will stop preparing for until this saturday) because i keep on piling my school work for this stupid exam. i really want to score a really good one this january, and the fear of not being able to do so (my usual paranoia) makes me feel even more pressurized. i dont want this score to be the obstacle from getting me into my dream uni. so yeah. 4 more days (sigh).

my yellow file keeps on getting thicker and thicker; MEANING i have lots of lecture notes to transcribe into my summary book. and my math tutorials are behind by 3 lectures already (usually im really behind by only 1). IH and SEA notes too, behind by 2 weeks worth of lectures (4 thick wordy notes to condense HELP).

basically im drowning in school work. cca isnt so helpful either because as im about to step down in few months i really feel that im still searching how to strike a balance between strict and friendly leader. im such a failure at this.

ok enough ranting i need to do more SATs. last lap, i need to push through until saturday.

(ranting in blog is not my thing, but i cant help it just for this time only. must be the hormones).

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