i wish i were a thai.

and i am at the lowest point of my life rn.

have been faking smiles all the way and forcing those laughter out. i am not well but i try to be positive. it's quite hard to pick myself up when people keep on reminding me how suck i am. started to get annoyed really easily with my class (who can only talk about results gosh). so yst i skip lesson (for the first time ever) to stay away from them. neither did i go for friends gathering today (coz i just feel like being anti-social thats why).

i just locked myself in the room, watching thai series to escape my current life. i tried jogging, it helped a bit, but i just need my me time. 2 days ago i broke down (again) now in front of my cca friends because of some shit that i probably render as stupid shit in the near future. anyway i feel very vulnerable rn and i want people to stay away from me.

gonna delete this post when i feel ready.

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humbled.

this week, my over-confidence has taken its toll on me. apparently i have taken things way too lightly until i became somehow arrogant -- not towards other people, but towards myself.

h3 lessons are really wearing me down bit by bit. this week is probably the worse. we started off with quantum theory, something that ive never heard before (it's unlike relativity where i at least had a slight idea of what is it about before i went for lectures). the mathematical involved in the topic is just crazy: sub here sub there, square this, cross that, combine this equation by plugging some equation from other topics, etc. its insane. what is worse is that THEY WILL TEST US ON DERIVATION QUESTIONS. and its not like something which you can just skip you know coz they can TEST A LOT OF IT and they carry like 10 marks on each of its own. and the formula is really no joke.

i like physics coz if you get the concept on how to apply, you can just plug in the data, BUT NO. in this h3 module IM DOING A LOT OF MATH (which a subject im not particularly fond of) so im always half dead after every lecture.

you know to internalize a topic and do the tutorials question, i need like 5 hours for every 7 questions i receive. its so time-consuming. i feel like giving up coz the school work demands a lot from me while i try to comprehend this abstract uni module. People can see my eyebags getting darker and me being moody like almost every week.

ive told myself that i should enjoy the journey of discovering something new, and i do. really. but it sucks the energy out of me, and im struggling to keep up with my CT1 preparation (which is left in dire strait) and my social life. barely had time for myself (except during MRT rides). oh well. barely had energy left for weekend jogging really. i tried my best to go for a swim once a week to find peace, but its difficult. sometimes im just too tired to even go out.

i feel really stupid and unworthy sometimes. a person like my vietnamese senior maybe can do it coz hes like a god in everything but maybe i stretch myself too much? i dont know. im overly-ambitious and not know my limit? maybe. is it good that i do this to myself? i doubt that.

moreover i received my SAT results yesterday and its really disappointing. i know no matter how well-planned my life is, HE has the final say on whether its His plan too. i started to think that he may not want me to end up in the uni of my choice so i googled some other options. receiving the score was a slap in the face, and honestly -- for the first time in my JC life, I teared up.

ok anyway yeah i learn how to be humble towards myself now. enjoy the proccess, be the person who asks stupid questions no matter how embarrassing, and be responsible of my choices. anyway if youre the smartest person in the room, youre probably in the wrong room.

For now, I am humbled.

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deactivating my instagram.

okay last night i decided to deactivate my instagram account. its a big step i know. ive been trying to avoid using instagram lately by intentionally deleting the app from my phone, yet it somehow always found its way back to my home screen because re-downloading it is just a click away. now, i plan to do it for good.

deactivating doesnt necessarily mean deleting the throwing account and photos into the dust bin. i can still reactivate it someday, but meanwhile no one can tag me pictures, photos, or see my profile. im non-existent.

quickly enough my mom realized that i disappeared from insta. my classmates too, because they wanted to tag me cny celebration pics. so i told them that i pull out from the insta world. at least for now.

the reason being this. the morning before i pressed the deactivating account, i found a very disturbing dedication post. i know its every person's right to post anything they like, but i cannot tolerate many of them. strange enough, i still carry on scrolling down my timeline. despite the hate, the jealousy, the sadness, and the hatred, i still return to this cave of negativity -- where i became anti-social and surrounded by negative feelings. it pains me, but i still like torturing myself anyway. masochist taking its psychological form.

sometimes i feel im not thin enough. that is particularly frustrating because my profile page is pretty much decorated by some random stuffs like photos of pencil case, swimming pool, the orange sky, or just my friends. not those with pretty filter, fashionable clothings, or latest food porn. i began to accept my body, but instagram is still holding me back sometimes.

i have a very strong principle to not post every single of my social life. i find its not necessary to prove the world that im having friends, or doing sth other than studying, but ironically im jealous enough to see posts of people having fun too. believe me, i do enjoy my life and go out a lot, but most of them went unpublished. seeing people posting every single thing they do makes me sick. of their narcissism, of their thirst and social insecurity. yes im disgusted, so i delete it altogether. (at this point i sound self-righteous but whatever).

instagram also makes me question my friendships, which is not supposed to be the case. a feature in insta means a lot, and people (even i too) use that to measure how much you mean to a person. scary. i feel im not doing enough to get the attention from the world -- from my friends. Two friendship conflicts almost ended up ugly because of instagram, and i realized that it is time to let go of this unhealthy social media.

anyway, i always have respect for ppl without instagram and ive always wanted to be like them. im done with collecting likes, weird compulsive disorder to check on my phone to check on other's peoples lives. its time to re-focus on my life and stop comparing it with seemingly perfect image of others.



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me being weird. or is it the new normal.

you know lately ive realized that i no longer talk as much as i used to last year. the number of sentences i utter per day has drastically plummet in a free fall, especially at school, be it during recess time or tutorials. im less engaged with the gang i usually associate myself with in class. its weird, and people are taking notice of it.

somehow i really dont give a single shit about what people are talking about (especially if its just random stuffs or failed attempt to prevent the lunch table from being quiet). i feel that those topics are boring, stupid, and unnecessary. its like id rather not waste my energy to talk about frivolous stuffs so id rather keep quiet. i guess this busy year really sucks all my energy until i cant even socialize. of course you know the life balance triangle thing right; to choose 2 of these following options: good grades, sleep, and socialize. its scary to realize that im NO LONGER SOCIALIZING. or rather, to see that my 'socializing' takes its new form.

i still talk to my closest friends in class like jingjing and tianke about my problems, or other more interesting things like the documentaries i watched. perhaps because i know that i can just be myself when im around them: i can be quiet and they wont ask me whats wrong. coz theyll know that i just need time for myself. and they wont think im weird, or awkward -- coz maybe they all went through the same period once in awhile.

a lot of people have been asking me "meidy whats wrong" or "meidy are u okay" just because i dont talk much during dinner or lunch with them. i just desperately need time for myself and save up energy, so can everyone pls stop asking me whats wrong? coz maybe this is the new normal for me. i have always been the serious type (i HATE jokes especially those that i dont get), and i like silence too. silence is not awkward pause. maybe i was just enjoying the food in front of me so im not particularly keen on engaged in any kind of conversation that forces me to gulp it down quickly. maybe i was just tired or going though pms period (this is the worst type coz im very very sensitive to anger and annoyance). so yes, im okay.

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tired af.

okay i know im NOT SUPPOSED to squander my precious time to go ranting in my blog BUT I DESPERATELY NEED TIME FOR MYSELF. anyway writing a blog is not only soothing to the mind but also trains my brain juice to flow for my second SAT which is this Saturday (4 more days).

this is 2nd week to school but i feel tired af (title is self-explanatory). i tried to convince myself that this will only last until april (coz my h3 ends in early may), but the tiredness and busy schedule is getting on my nerves. train ride back and forth NUS is really super time consuming (and tiring) because i cannot use it for studying (i study by scribbling and talking to myself) or sleeping (i need complete silence and darkness). the heck 6 hours every week wasted on train ride instead of resting (which i desperately need too).

i can hardly catch up with my work these days. the major annoying problem is MY SAT (which i will stop preparing for until this saturday) because i keep on piling my school work for this stupid exam. i really want to score a really good one this january, and the fear of not being able to do so (my usual paranoia) makes me feel even more pressurized. i dont want this score to be the obstacle from getting me into my dream uni. so yeah. 4 more days (sigh).

my yellow file keeps on getting thicker and thicker; MEANING i have lots of lecture notes to transcribe into my summary book. and my math tutorials are behind by 3 lectures already (usually im really behind by only 1). IH and SEA notes too, behind by 2 weeks worth of lectures (4 thick wordy notes to condense HELP).

basically im drowning in school work. cca isnt so helpful either because as im about to step down in few months i really feel that im still searching how to strike a balance between strict and friendly leader. im such a failure at this.

ok enough ranting i need to do more SATs. last lap, i need to push through until saturday.

(ranting in blog is not my thing, but i cant help it just for this time only. must be the hormones).

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The magic strings of Frankie Presto.

very few books can actually make me instantly hooked right from its first page. well, Mitch Albom's newest book yet was most certainly one of these few. perhaps its due to all the familiar musical reference and terminology which are woven seamlessly into the story. or because reading the book allows me to walk into a life of a prodigy  (something i would probably wish that i was one myself).

well, to begin with, very few authors have background in music like mitch albom (or else they would have become musicians, would they) so i can confidently say that this is the first book that i feel strongly related to. mitch adopted a back-and-forth POV (i dont exactly know how to put this), he first revealed that frankie is dead and then slowly going backwards while at the same time, revealing his childhood from the day he was born. what makes this book really intriguing is that mitch actually personify Music (yes it sounds amazing) as our narrator. frankie took a large part of Him when he was still a baby, thus what kinda makes him a prodigy.

i won't spoil the rest of the plot here. this spell-binding book was hard to put down, but i forced myself to stop reading it halfway simply because i have 6 hours of journey on train next week to spare.

but i'll write down some of the most beautiful quotes from the book about music (mainly from frankie's guitar teacher, le Maestro)

1. All humans are musical. Why else would the Lord gives you a beating heart?
This is the most moving quote that got me instantly hooked from the 2nd page. I keep on asking myself this question, and it actually boils down to a more serious matters like whether classical music is here to stay (I KNOW IM GOING OFFTRACK but pls bear with me). im appalled by music appreciation in teenagers and my school these days). itunes chart changes every a week or so, as often as women changing their wardrobe clothes. isn't music a form of art? why is it that it sounds more like fad than art these days? i strongly feel classical music is dying and under-appreciated. you know everytime i listen to a piece i would imagine colours and waves flying around. they have emotions and story; there is something i cant describe about them. its trying to tell us something, but every person will understand it differently. my interpretation can differ each time i listen to it again, its how magical those orchestral pieces to me are. so disappointed to let them rotting and replaced by some house music.

2. You cannot write if you do not read,” the blind man said. “You cannot eat if you do not chew. And you cannot play if you do not”—he grabbed for the boy’s hand—“listen.
sadly, teachers these days hardly inspire their students. they spoon-feed us with information, thinking that we would actually retain them voluntarily. maybe we do, but our brain doesnt. you see, since i was young, i didnt know what it SOUNDS like to be a good violinist. my teachers would tell me to do this, to practice harder, to play that. but i never really understood what i wanted to achieve. if theres no example given, why would you think i want to invest my energy and time on sth that i do not enjoy? i think this is also applicable to all fields of learning experience. only after listening to Maestro playing for 1 year, then frankie was allowed to learn how to play guitar. i really think that this is the future of learning experience. students must have that spark and willingness to learn before they dive into that subject deeper.

3.You humans are always locking each other away. Cells. Dungeons. Some of your earliest jails were sewers, where men sloshed in their own waste. No other creature has this arrogance—to confine its own. Could you imagine a bird imprisoning another bird? A horse jailing a horse?
i didnt realize that WE are the only species who kill one another. name me one animal that murders their own kind. have you lost your faith in humanity?

4. Do not cry for losing blood. Not for something you love.
frankie hurt his fingers as he practised his guitar. sacrifices must be made to achieve great things. muscle sore and neck pain from intense violin practise. feeling stressed out and missing that movie to study for exams. forgoing fried food and your favourite dessert as a part of your diet. without perseverance on doing these things, to keep trying although it hurts like mad, is a part-and-parcel of reaching greater heights.

5. But all love stories are symphonies. And, like symphonies, they have four movements. 

• Allegro a quick and spirited opening 
• Adagio a slow turn
• Minuet/Scherzo short steps in 3/4 time
• Rondo, a repeating theme, interrupted by various passages.

all musicians would think that this part is self-explanatory. beautifully written.

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Escape.

I thought leaving Singapore allows me to escape my problems. Well, it does. But I came here only to face my other unsolved ones since 2013. And they are staring at my face every single day for the next 10 days. My life problems looks like a concerto, you think it's over and you -- as audience -- is ready to clap. But the Composer thinks differently. He would smile at the audience and nod to offer the sign of respect, but nevertheless waves His baton again for the more 'exciting' finale -- presto. 

Sometimes I wonder whether I will ever find a place to call home. Have you ever felt like you stuck in between? To never get to feel cozy in my own room at VHall because hostel rules and social expectations stall restrict you from doing anything you want. To never feel at home in Jakarta because the city has unfolded before your eyes, without you in it; as you see everything makes its headway without your consent. To feel lonely during holidays because you don't feel reaching out to your old friends, just because you postulate that they won't empathize or identify with the experience you had or the people you met all this while when you were away. Or simply assuming that they have already had their own lives and new friends; and that you're forgotten for good. (Which proves the notion that friends never really stay when you embark on a new life phase).

Sometimes I really ask myself if I want to really return here should my family are all gone. Would I still fit in? Would I have people to trust? Would people understand me? When I began to see myself adopting a foreign language and accent, I started to lose confidence in speaking my own native language. Watching a local TV headlines makes me cower for some reasons -- many words which I haven't been hearing for the past 2 years or so. When you think that your own native language sounds strange to your ears, you know that yo just lost a part of yourself.

And I seriously think that it's no longer fitting for me to aspire to become a president. I don't know if I really want to abandon the safer track which I can conveniently choose: diving into the business world like what most Indon-Chinese would probably do.

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