wah 2016 ended already.

it feels as if i just did my 2015 reflection 4 months ago or something. a lot has changed since then, the people whom i care about also change. im not in the mood to write a very lengthy post, but since ive promised myself a year ago that i would do this every year, i suppose it is a must to at least add another post before this year ended.

2016 passed by very very SLOWLY. and to sum up in 1 word, it is filled with a lot of MUGGINGs. im not even kidding, it is a torturous year.

the year began with an immense stress resulted from H3 lesson in NUS. i enjoyed every second of it of course as seen from my h3 post earlier this year, but vjc in turn became a hell hole in which i abhored with all of my heart. it began to dawn on me that vjc teachers were just less caring and personal. mrs chan was just a total failure since j1, ms lee was as robotic as ever, ...

anyway my point is simple: people live to save themselves. me included. i didn't give much shit to my classmates who were struggling with their studies since i had to save my own ass. i became a much quieter version of meidy -- a big contrast from 2015 because i just had to save energy for MUGGING (told you that 2016 was just filled with mugging).

come CT1 i remember i screwed up so badly until i thought that my life is over.

oh another highlight from 2016 is that i took a history tuition with mel (melissa teh). i was so desperate to save my ass in history, so i asked haili to join me so that we could get a cheaper price (both of us were desperate to improve our grades). heaven sent down the tuition offer through a whatsapp broadcast which i received from my class group (strangely). i didnt think twice to beg my mom to agree and provide me with extra money (because MOE money is insufficient).

mel is just .... a genius. she topped history FOR EVERY SINGLE EXAM SINCE J1 i mean what kind of sorcery is that. she taught us how to break down the material, which dates to remember which movements we need to memorize and what are the significance. the way she broke down an overarching question was amazing. she just knew the materials very well and could come up with unthinkable lines of argument. i was so inspired to spend as much time as she did in history. and i really did. i spent disproportionate amount of time in history until i neglected other stuffs. i started to understand the materials and actually took real interest in it, especially the Southeast Asian history. learned so much why some countries are more successful in others in terms of economic progress, national unity, or political structure; why colonial suppression has different outcomes in different countries; and how much indonesian history has been half distorted in my own country (we barely discuss history beyond declaration of independence).

jc history was the only subject that i looked forward to every day. things would be different before exams tho. i would be so stressed out and often regretted my decision to take that content-heavy subject until i wanted to pull my hair out... but in the end regardless of the stress, i ended up scoring higher than i thought i would. i hate boasting but since im talking to a non-existent reader, its fine to let out my inner ego. i was first in cohort for my history CT2 exam! It was beyond my expectation and i was so so so so so so proud of myself to see that ive come so so so so far from the bottom 36 percentile to 100. it was the proudest moment in life to see the 3 digit in vcsd. hard earned, but worth it.

omg i was just talking about history for like 2 long paragraphs. lets move on.

enough about grades, i shall talk about my friends. i barely cared about my classmates (quite disgusted at my 2015 post now). drifted away from my 2 close friends in the class due to my own fault (and partially theirs).

i also grew damn super extremely close with my roommates (h2-06-06 YEAAAAH). i still walked to school with shania every morning (something which really helped me to handle my frustration with the class). the four of us drank booze 4 times (i went drunk on sasa's birthday IM GONNA REMEMBER THIS FOREVER. YEAR 2016 IS THE YEAR IM FINALLY DRUNK *confetti*) it was damn fuuuuunny i got my legs half-stuck in my desk and i looked like im getting a blow job from the chair so its DAMN FUNNY *cough*. anyway.

aiyo what else ah 2016 wasn't so great thats why i dont do best 9 in instagram.

oh we went for a family trip on a cruise! to phuket langkawi and penang with my bro sis mom mom and dad. i LOVEEEEE TRAVELLING. since none of the rest of the aunties (my mom's friends) were interested in exploring langkawi, my mom and i set to conquer langkawi islands in 8 hours. we went to this super dodgy dilapidated tourism service and rent a speed boat for 35 ringgit (DAMN CHEAP) to visit 3 islands. we were picked up by a very old van (which had a hole which allows the water puddle on the street to enter INTO THE CAR) short story ITS SO DODGY. im too scared that i were abt to be abducted so i was so quiet all the way. we reached this super ulu kampung place by the beach to get into the speed boat with a bunch of other people (thank goodness i have another female company and a friendly indian tourist whom we met in the same dodgy tourism centre).

BUUUUT the island hopping experience was super priceless.

oh shit since 2016 is ending soon in 10 minutes time i need to post this now before the year changes. in short, 2016 is boring, i hope 2017 will be more exciting. given that im starting off a new life, im pretty sure it will.












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singapore education from a perspective of an indonesian.

dear non existent readers,

do you know i should have abandoned school uniform 2 years ago? yea, singapore education made me wear school uniform for another 2 years when my other indo friends have started enjoying 2 years of their university life. im a late bloomer. all that being said, i just finished the gruelling A levels and now i am free from the singapore education contract i signed 4 years ago in that hotel room. not that im happy, but im definitely proud to see how much i have become these last 4 years.

i guess it's time to have a dedication post for my singapore education journey. 4 years seem short in indonesia because nothing much would happen. in singapore it is entirely different. it's filled with both good and not so good memories, stretching me into a more mature, intellectual, and inquisitive Meidy.

i've grown to care more about my surroundings. in singapore i learn how to deal with different types of people -- those that i have never interacted with before in my life. in jakarta i was living in a pretty much protected environment, so i was not particularly aware of these different types of people with different culture and mindsets. the exposure to friends from across the asia, and even across different towns in indonesia, has opened my eyes to different story lines that were to converge into 1 through this 4 years. singapore education is a magical place to bring people together. i suppose any experience of studying abroad is indeed priceless.

it offers you the freedom to choose whatever you want to do, and such liberty would be something that i greatly miss in the next 8 months of holiday. i can go wherever i want without needing adults to accompany me or to tell me that i should not do this or do that. i manage my own spending, so i can splurge on things that i like without feeling guilty (or embarrassed). i have never been very confident about trying out clothes in front of my mother because she would comment that 'im too fat for that' which would bring my self-esteem down. i rarely bought clothes for myself, but id like to splurge on food and books. controlling your own spending (you know singapore government pay us 2500 sgd per year to study? hmm lol) to contribute to the growth of economy is so fun and liberating.

i can go out with guys without needing my parents consent. lol. ive been to cinemas with guys like 5 times HAHAHA (and im very proud of it). if i were to stay in indonesia they would have to pick me up with their own car, or my mom would have to drive me to the mall. and i would feel damn guilty coz it's not socially acceptable y'know. like what the heck youre not even officially together and yall go out like that LMAO. night walk around the CBD area or suntec is super romantic, or along the clark quay lol i just feel like an adult every time i did that with someone :)

i learn a lot of things about human relationship. ive set my mind to be the kind of person who is straightforward (like anna akana oh geez she's my youtube idol). im done with mind game man. it's too downright tiring. last month i did something thoughtless (....). i confessed to my best friend just before As despite knowing that he won't consider me more than friends :s i didn't regret though. i think he just deserved to know that i liked him so the result is not really what i was looking for. so yea he answered no. at least i got guts to take in charge of what i want in life, so thumbs up for that meidy :)

i discover more about myself too. i learn that i only like to talk to certain type of people. i like it when people ask me the 'right' questions (figure out yourself whats the right question). after awhile i stop feigning my interest in the things that don't interest me. im more comfortable being surrounded by extrovert person (but not people). i like small group interaction, sometimes one-on-one when im very comfortable with the person.

i gained 10 kg after i came to singapore HAHAHA because i miss indo food a lot so i snacked a lot (last time). now i have stopped snacking THAT MUCH so the 10 kg is still stuck, but im gonna lose it again man. watch me.

singapore makes me exercise. i enjoy jogging, swimming (at this point swimming is my favourite sport). i enjoy travelling also. i like going museums, because they are all free for students! or very cheap la. singapore scenery is very pretty, unlike jakarta.

to be honest, i have integrated myself far much more than i thought i would. i'm the third culture kid. not even sure if i still fit in indonesia anymore for the next 8 months. it will be damn tough, then i would continue my studies somewhere else (hopefully the states). feeling so displaced i guess is normal, but it's compounded by my 'problem' of not being able to engage in small talks.

well, 7 more days to returning for good. i dont know how to feel about it tbh. bye for now.












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superiority complex.

i swear i feel very very weird today. as if im not being my usual self. i think it has something to do with my friend telling me that i have superiority complex. it sorts of gets into my mood and behaviour, making myself conscious of everything that i have done in the past. and as i reflect more and more about my life, i withdrew myself from the crowd, isolating myself -- again.

a few days ago i took the meyers brigg- carl jung personality test in 16personalities.com, and it showed me that i have an INTJ personality. it's written that the world's population only have 0.8% women with this personality -- which makes it difficult for people like me to really connect or mingle with people. the test reinforced my preconceived notion that i am just weird and think more differently from others. it's normal for people to not understand me, mistook my intention, and find that sometimes i am too 'cool' or 'unapproachable'.

this should be something that i really need to fix, but instead due to my (so called) superiority complex, i actually see them as my strengths and even prefer to keep them instead. i do not like to please people, so i just went on my own way, doing the things that i think is correct, etc. if i am not comfortable with people, i would just shut down and not talk. i don't care if people think im anti-social, awkward, cynical. Maybe I am, but i just don't give a shit. or perhaps i do?

Superiority complex calls for an aloof attitude towards one's own weaknesses because one just wants to conceal them. it's a psychological disorder where the person is in conflict with his or her own weaknesses and try to dismiss it outwardly, but in truth, deeply insecure inside. i swear i think i might have one.

my roommates have agreed that i am the most socially secure human being in the room. my classmate think i have a strong personality. my cca friends think i am confident. perhaps it is just a facade.

i really have no idea how to differentiate a person who suffers superiority complex and someone who is just... confident. i partly blame my emotional development to my dad and my arch enemy from secondary school. both of them made me so insecure about my life, until i am so tired and disgusted with myself, hence i have been consciously trying to reinvent myself after the 2 incidents. yes, i think i'll blame them for all these.

right now i just want to stay away from people. i didn't feel like talking to even my closest of closest friends anymore. I THINK THIS IS PMS. yes this should be pms oh god why every month i have to be emotional for different reasons. can i just be emotionally stable and stop having mood swings.















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we all have social insecurities.

hi there, it's been 6 months + after the last post. jc2 has been really busy with exams, one after the other, hence i couldn't really spare much time for writing anything substantial aside from probably using my spam for a short paragraph on things worth telling.

today marks the end of my non-stop 2 months of mugging for prelims. things didn't go so well as i thought. screwed up my physics paper 2 (it was fucking easy and i was too tired so i got so many unnecessary careless mistakes), math paper 2 (blame the draining chem paper the day before), and the whole chem paper (vj chem is notoriously hard). i wasn't too pleased with myself, but if i were to change anything for the last 2 months, i wouldn't do it in any other way (i would still slack and have fun with my roommates, although i could have used that time to mug or something. they're too precious). anyway, im glad it's over.

now i want to talk about the social insecurities i have (for far too long).

basically, i can't even tell who i am anymore. what my personality really is. i feel like i am never the same person around different people. and im really anxious about how people perceive me.

let's start with how i would behave in front of my number one girls, my roommates. i live in a four-bedded room, with shania, ester, and sasa. i think they are the people i can be fully 'myself' most comfortably with (although this is debatable because i don't even know if that 'self'' is my real self). no one would believe how shameless i am in this room. i would talk to toys. i would fantasize weird things like how my bear is giving birth to an mini size bear (which is drawn on an egg) through her belly button. i would fart loudly. i can tell them about all the things i see, watch, read, without ever being judged AND, (most importantly) getting feedback and more insightful comments from them. they know my weird family history. they know my arch-enemies. they know my best buds, and their weird fetishes. they know my problems. they know everything. they know me better than anyone in this world so far. im really sad to see that i have to leave them all in 2 months time. they make me happy when we are all stressed out for exams. no matter what, we would still have things to talk about, although we see each other for 24/7. for once, i felt like i really have really amazing and meaningful friendships with people.

next, let's discuss about how i behave in the classroom. my classmates think im super serious and hardworking mugger. i don't talk much. im a bit scary because i (seem) to not care about how people think about me (sometimes i eat alone and appear not to give shit). it's damn difficult to talk to me coz i seem to be disinterested in whatever they're talking about (it's true. i am disinterested). i can never be myself around them. i build a wall, it's a giant one. i don't like hiding behind the wall, but i cant even bring them down myself.

whenever im around jinjing or tianke, im gonna be another different person. im quiet, but sometimes talkative. i try to be cheerful and crack jokes, or gossips. but these less meaningful conversations will die away in 10 seconds. i cannot be crazy. i constantly feel that im trapped in this semi-myself mode. i can talk to them about my problems, or philosophical stuffs, but once it's exam time, we all couldn't help each other to stay sane. i would end up being depressed, surrounded by depressed people who cannot dig themselves out of their deep shit. and im influenced too. i usually distant myself away from them during darker period, as i just want to stay motivated. this sounds like im a horrible friend who's only around whenever people are happy, but i have tried to stay, really. it just doesn't work that way. but i still think they're good friends of mine, but maybe not someone whom i would like to spend everyday with.

whenever im around my cca friends, things are slightly better than class. i can be fully chatty and boss around (like i can just order aaron to do whatever i want HAHAHA). things are fun, people are more open to each other, and conversations have never turned into some darkish mood because we leave our school problems aside once we play music. it's heartening to have friends who would open up about their fun sides. and ill be fun with them too. people like haili, or jon and reuben. i would always treasure them with all my heart.

you see, i switch personalities very easily. actually, to be honest im just very different person in the class (although i used to not be like this), but i just wish to connect with people like my roommates and cca friends more frequently in life. who knows whats going to happen in uni man. but, i just hope that i'll find more sets of friends who can go as deep as my roommates in our friendship.

this blog post is shitty as fuck. lost all my flair for writing already.















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closing yet another chapter.

i still remember the days when i dreaded h3 so much during december hols. anticipating so much agony from the possibility of having to return late from school and face intellectually demanding concepts, i braced myself for yet another challenge unknown and stepped into that plane heading back towards Singapore. I looked out from the window next to my seat, somewhat knowing that i shall miss my homeland and the comfort it offers for the next 4 months.

I thought h3 will be an endless burden and source of frustration for the next 4 months. I should have believed my mom that i will somehow manage it anyway. And she's right. Here i am now, just a stone throw away from finishing my module.

Initially it was tough. As prof said just now: "stage 1 of learning is not knowing what you don't know". I realized physics is so much more than force, pressure, or projectile motion. When they meant Modern Physics, they really meant SUPER ABSTRACT STUFFS. I was so amazed and inspired after every lecture, yet disappointed at myself for not being able to fully understand the concept. Tuesdays and Fridays quickly became my new favourite days, despite the fact that they used to be one of those days when i just dragged my foot to school. 

Moreover, I started to dislike the topics covered in schools. I was very determined to understand my h3 module, to the point that i didn't care about school work as much as before. strangely, school tutorials were somewhat a hindrance that i need to get rid as soon as possible so i can read more about my module. still, whatever amount of time i spent on h3 did not make it into a breeze anyway.

thus, i reached the stage 2 of learning: knowing what i don't know. lab work took up quite a fair amount of my weekends. for every lab session we did, i would spend 4 hours to do a write up and calculations. (im not trying to boast but) our school lab reports were just pale in comparison with what we are doing for this module. i had the chance to fiddle with expensive machines, decay counters, radioactive materials, helium gases, and.... 200 dices (hahaha). we learn new things during lab sessions, since we had the opportunity to understand the theory taught during lectures better. after struggling with making report initially, i kind of got the hang of it eventually.

im not saying that it is a smooth-sailing experience. one of the downsides of this h3 module is probably the fact that i am not doing as well in school as last year. in average, i had 12-18 hours of less studying time per week due to travelling back and fort to nus -- exclusive of any extra time i spent on revising the materials. i had vague understanding of h2 topics across the subjects -- which probably explains my horrendous ct1 results. i was upset, yes. angry sometimes, for being incapable of multitasking everything and maintaining my standards. i broke down many times. undoubtedly, i feel worthless sometimes, questioning my capability to do the module after looking at my h2 grades in free fall. maybe ive gone too far. i have high expectations on myself, im not going to lie. the prospect of not excelling makes me frustrated and scared at the same time, but there is no turning back.

today is officially the last lesson we had before the exam -- which will take place in 12 days time. i felt a surge of emotions on my way to nus. my last 1.5 hr mrt ride to nus. my last piece of favourite bread (i always buy the same bread before lecture). the last time i see the lecture hall and listen to prof talking. last time sitting next to Mon and Viv, laughing at our awkward funny professor. i was partially glad that it's over (i took this module mainly because it ends faster than the internal h3), but i also felt a great sense of loss. i doubt i will still feel excited to go to school on daily basis. what to look forward too? school lectures are dry. everytime i ask things, basic standard reply would be 'it's outside the syllabus, you don't need to know'. i would probably feel wistful about my h3 experience after april is over. our prof's patience and humility are attributes i long to see in my jc teachers.

12 days to exam. wish me all the best.

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i wish i were a thai.

and i am at the lowest point of my life rn.

have been faking smiles all the way and forcing those laughter out. i am not well but i try to be positive. it's quite hard to pick myself up when people keep on reminding me how suck i am. started to get annoyed really easily with my class (who can only talk about results gosh). so yst i skip lesson (for the first time ever) to stay away from them. neither did i go for friends gathering today (coz i just feel like being anti-social thats why).

i just locked myself in the room, watching thai series to escape my current life. i tried jogging, it helped a bit, but i just need my me time. 2 days ago i broke down (again) now in front of my cca friends because of some shit that i probably render as stupid shit in the near future. anyway i feel very vulnerable rn and i want people to stay away from me.

gonna delete this post when i feel ready.

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humbled.

this week, my over-confidence has taken its toll on me. apparently i have taken things way too lightly until i became somehow arrogant -- not towards other people, but towards myself.

h3 lessons are really wearing me down bit by bit. this week is probably the worse. we started off with quantum theory, something that ive never heard before (it's unlike relativity where i at least had a slight idea of what is it about before i went for lectures). the mathematical involved in the topic is just crazy: sub here sub there, square this, cross that, combine this equation by plugging some equation from other topics, etc. its insane. what is worse is that THEY WILL TEST US ON DERIVATION QUESTIONS. and its not like something which you can just skip you know coz they can TEST A LOT OF IT and they carry like 10 marks on each of its own. and the formula is really no joke.

i like physics coz if you get the concept on how to apply, you can just plug in the data, BUT NO. in this h3 module IM DOING A LOT OF MATH (which a subject im not particularly fond of) so im always half dead after every lecture.

you know to internalize a topic and do the tutorials question, i need like 5 hours for every 7 questions i receive. its so time-consuming. i feel like giving up coz the school work demands a lot from me while i try to comprehend this abstract uni module. People can see my eyebags getting darker and me being moody like almost every week.

ive told myself that i should enjoy the journey of discovering something new, and i do. really. but it sucks the energy out of me, and im struggling to keep up with my CT1 preparation (which is left in dire strait) and my social life. barely had time for myself (except during MRT rides). oh well. barely had energy left for weekend jogging really. i tried my best to go for a swim once a week to find peace, but its difficult. sometimes im just too tired to even go out.

i feel really stupid and unworthy sometimes. a person like my vietnamese senior maybe can do it coz hes like a god in everything but maybe i stretch myself too much? i dont know. im overly-ambitious and not know my limit? maybe. is it good that i do this to myself? i doubt that.

moreover i received my SAT results yesterday and its really disappointing. i know no matter how well-planned my life is, HE has the final say on whether its His plan too. i started to think that he may not want me to end up in the uni of my choice so i googled some other options. receiving the score was a slap in the face, and honestly -- for the first time in my JC life, I teared up.

ok anyway yeah i learn how to be humble towards myself now. enjoy the proccess, be the person who asks stupid questions no matter how embarrassing, and be responsible of my choices. anyway if youre the smartest person in the room, youre probably in the wrong room.

For now, I am humbled.

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