Inside Out.

There is something wonderful about watching the movie for the second time: I can pay more attention to the message it's trying to convey rather than being emotional over the plot. So here are some of my two-cents worth about the movie:

1. That it is okay to be sad.
Sadness is a wonderful emotion. Crying is perfectly all right. People tend to avoid sadness for some reasons, but personally I sometimes prefer sadness in my emotionless days. Okay, you might think I'm weird, but I strangely find that crying makes me feel good. Sometimes, I prefer watching drama shows than action movies because I can cry over it. Sadness acknowledge my struggles, my shortcomings, my unfulfilled dreams.

2. Perhaps the best way to comfort sad friends is to acknowledge their struggle.
More often than not, I always try to see the more positive side of my friend's problem; hoping that by putting more emphasis on these aspects, I get to cheer them up and stop them from feeling sad. But this movie just taught me, that recognizing one's pain is also an alternative (perhaps even better) way, to provide emotional support for our friends. A friend of mine once said, "The worst thing you can do when I open up is to dismiss my emotions as invalid". Now I began to understand what she meant. Allowing someone to feel sad does not translate to intensifying their emotion. To the contrary, it helps them to feel better much faster because they know that we will be there in every step of their way to recover.

3. Each of us are governed by one dominating emotion.
Joy dominates Riley's control panel, Sadness dominates Mom's, and Anger dominates Dad's. Although all 5 emotions have a play to role in one's life; there will always be one emotion that mostly predominates of our emotion panel. I think mine would be sadness because I have the tendency to reflect and being sentimental to almost everything.

4. Music is very powerful.
One thing that went unnoticed in my first movie experience is that Inside Out has a very compelling soundtrack. I was almost in tears when I heard the soundtrack in the first 10 seconds of the movie, because a surge of mixed emotions flooded in. I cannot decipher what emotions they are, but it gives me this feeling good kind of experience. There is something about how the notes were lined up next to each other. There is a perfect combination of intervals that touches my heart and affects me emotionally.

Thank you Disney for always teaching me new lessons in every movie. I know I will never be too old to watch any.

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Good friend.

As the year comes to its close, another chapter of my life ends. Just like characters in books, some friends stay for the next one, but some won't. There are so many people passing by my life, but this one I am not letting go.

A week ago, on Saturday night, Lize and I met up after 6 (?) months not seeing each other. The thing about close friend is that you can talk almost about anything deep although you haven't met each other for a very long time. Most of the time, catching up session with old friend is an attempt to condense 6 months of your life into 90 minute session, but I'm glad it didn't go that way.

The highlight of that evening was actually when he took me for a mass service in OLOL Church in Bugis. A free thinker himself, he had never wanted to go to the church when I asked him to last year. Surprise, surprise -- a year later, everything has pretty much changed. I'm a skeptical Christian, and he started to believe in the divine power.

He prayed. He sang. He went through all the (boring) rituals with admirable focus and respect.

I was struck. He demonstrated a new-found reverence to my religion. His curiosity and attentiveness were in contrast with my ignorance and arrogance. I looked into myself and could not help but felt ashamed. Ashamed of how far I have attempted to drift away from Him. I am a pretentious sheep trying to travel the hill on my own. I realized how I often thought that I am much smarter than Him, thinking that everything can be explained or done with science or philosophy. But there are more in religion than just myths.

For the first time this year, I felt a surge from within to see Christianity with a new pair of eyes. The eyes of the innocence like Lize's. To listen with pure ears and uncorrupt mind. To receive His blessings with renewed sense of gratitude.

For once, an invisible block was lifted from my eyes. I recognized a dire need to change who I am now; the skeptical Meidy. So, I went to the same church this weekend, filled with much anticipation and longing to participate actively in the mass service. After mass, I really felt a renewed joy and cleaned spirit to start my new week. This is what spirituality is supposed to look like.

An ex-friend of mine once said, a good friend is not somebody who is during your happy times. A good friend is one who help you grow, although it may necessitate you to go through painful realization. Although I cannot see it in what my ex-friend did, but I definitely can see it through Lize.

And like any other wonderful and best memories I had, we didn't take any pictures that night. It went undocumented, and unpublished in Instagram. But it certainly left a great impact in me for the next few years to come.





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2015.

As promised last year, I would again write down some of the most cherished parts of this year to bring 2015 to its close. 2015 has been nothing short of amazing, and I would like to thank these people for that.

1. My most beloved class, 15S42. The class which debunks my perception that I would never ever going to be close friends with Singaporeans. I love you all with my heart and soul. You guys are the reason I wake up every morning feeling energized and filled with anticipation for lessons.

To my tutorial group: Justin Law, Yong En, Hussein, Sze Min. Thanks for tolerating my cleanliness and love for Christopher (my white bag). Thanks for always saving a seat for him and be such a fun tutorial group. We can be serious at times but still very much attentive to Mrs Ting's lessons (not Mrs. Chan's because it will be independent learning anyway lol. Or more like Justin teaching HAHAHA). Hussein's 'investigations' and me being forever pervert lol. Please maintain our chemistry for J2 guys.

To my closer friends in the class: Auggy, Zigi, Nikhil, Michelle, Yong En, Praveen. You guys are the battery of the class. I enjoy playing cards with yall, talking shits during our reccess. Texting with yall can be sometimes very random and filled with bullshits, but you kept me smiling on the days when we don't meet. Thank you.

To Rachael, my pillar of support in bad times (which are mostly PW HAHAHA). Man, I don't know how to survive PW without you, seriously. The guys are just sometimes frustrating, and I really have to thank you for believing in every decision and action I take for our project. There are times I doubt myself, for being too domineering, overly controlling, blunt etc. But I know I will always have you, Being the only person who understand our fucked up group dynamic, we can comfort one another when any of us got pissed off. Thanks for always sharing your precious food with me when I am hungry (or just craving sth to chew). You know very well that hostel food sucks, your bread is always amazing. I'm forever indebted to you coz you were the first local classmate to approach me earlier this year. You brought me closer to class, although ironically, you were the one who didn't end up being close with the class. I am grateful for having a positive soul like you in class.

Thanks 15S42 for being so supportive through concerts, for being crazy during Halloween Horror Night + Chalet, through the exams and all. Highschool is indeed the best part of your life.

2. To Jing Jing and Tianke. I lose count of the numbers we go out together, I think the most memorable one would still be the trip we go to Paya Lebar Night Market and did a food adventure. Yall are the bunch I am closest to in the class, and I sometimes miss you guys when I haven't talked to one of you for days. Tianke is probably the only person who won't roll her eyes everytime I talk about interesting general knowledge. We both always have had things for random books or scientific facts, and I'm glad I can 'talk intelligently' with somebody in the class. Moreover, we share similar American Dream :) Jing Jing is a wonderful bunch of joy. Sharing the pain of living in a hostel, I have spent quite a lot of quality time with her through random dinner, study times, WTA Finals, and joggings!!!! Jogging is less boring with you, with all the talks about guys and what not. We are both despo girls who just want hot handsome intelligent gentlemen to date us HAHAHAHA. I guess we need to wait until 20 LOL we keep on pushing the deadline back for the 999th time. She has a lot of interesting insights and thoughts which are always always encouraging. Whenever I feel shit, or I feel down because of classmates or even friends outside VJ, she will always come to the rescue. We have had countless deep conversations together, and I'm really grateful we are in the same class. My favourite hang out with you is probably IKEA dinner that Friday night. I like impromptu dates, and you reminded me a lot of Lize :)

3. My equally beloved Strings Ensem. We are so small but I feel super super belong in this small group. Music is best shared, playing music alone can sometimes be very lonely. It's the language I speak best with, and yall are the only people who understand me. Special shout out to the SLs and boss HAHAHA, we work pretty well with each other ever since the Por Una Cabeza performance. Sorry if I demand a lot from everyone, but it's because I love you guys so much that I want us to be better. Doing those extra practices is how I translate my love to the CCA, and I really had a good time with you. Strings room is my favourite space in VJ, (if I get to be there alone) lol. Wonderful people with wonderful vibes. Some of the shitiest school days turned not to be so bad after I had our practice session.

4. Haili. We do so many things together from CCAs down to JC Exco and school subjects. We also have the same taste for music, which matters a lot to me. Thanks for walking back to hostel every Wednesday lol (save up money and exercise!), and sharing your stories with me. A lot of my friends ship us together but seriously we have sunken that ship way down to deep (*sigh* only we know). I like listening to your stories about the books you've read, especially those cheem stuffs about politics, (I will forever not understand politics but it's always interesting to know sth you dont know abt). We share the pain of not getting good grades for history but look at you now taking H3 and featured for model essays, siala. I guess passion always keeps you going (meanwhile here I am struggling to make sense of my own region's history). Thanks for the movies we go to (ALWAYS Cold War related wow), random talks, book store visits, etc etc. Please buff up and become a hot guy so you can upgrade yourself from my nerd friend to my hot-but-sadly-fake boyfriend. YEAH.

5. Shania. It's surprising to see how we never run out of things to talk about every weekday morning. The two of us never really go out together on dates like Jinjing and I do, but our friendship transcends  much more than what people see from the outside. The best conversations we had is when no one is in the room but us, two souls talking to each other. I know I can always seek you for counsel about almost anything. Your mature way of thinking and bird-eye view are something that I rarely see in people. Sharing your thoughts about the future of our country inspires me a lot to return to Indonesia. Although there are times when your concern over your appearance gave you low self-esteem, please always remind yourself of this hidden gem of yours -- a person with charisma, sharp mind, and sound judgement.

 I always see these people as my angels sent from the above, who care and guide me as I embarked on a journey called JC 1. I feel blessed to know that He never really left me afterall, despite what I had done to Him this year. Cheers to my 2nd last year in Singapore.

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Speciesist.

Animals are not brethern, they are not underlings; they are other nations, caught with ourselves in the net of life and time

 -Henry Beston

I felt terribly sick after watching "Earthlings - Full Documentary". It is no coincidence that I came to watch this video. As any usual weekend morning, I continue reading my A.C. Grayling's book The Meaning of Things.  One of its chapters focuses on Speciesism; a term new to my ears. They talked about vegans, and I immediately send those 3 pages of discussion about Speciesism to my brother, who is a vegetarian. I have never really relate with his reason for being a vegetarian, until today.

He suggested me to watch the video which changes his mind about being an omnivore, the Earthlings -- Full Documentary in Youtube. It changes my life forever.

I found that there is a parallel between our excuses in mistreating animals and those for maltreating humans. 

"We locate a difference that we find threatening, or that we despise; we thereby make the other fully Other, so that we can close the door of the moral community against him, leaving him outside where our actions cannot be judged by the same standards as apply within.

Racism and speciesism are thus the same thing -- there are myths about who belongs and who is alien".

We take things for granted. We do not care enough or want to know more about what happened in slaughterhouses because we stay in the comfort of our houses, eating the meat provided into our plates without questioning how these animals were treated in the first place. We are shielded, from the nightmares, the blood-soaked floors, the whining, the brutal living conditions, which I will elaborate more now.

We live with the assumption that these animals are living a good life before they are slaughtered. That smiling pig face on the canned tin wrapping around your ham, that happy and healthy cow grazing on a expansive green field on your milk carton. These companies cloud us from the harsh reality that we are humanely treating these animals for our consumption -- and therefore justified.

Little did we know that pigs are bred in atrocious living condition, where food are scarce and hygiene is none of our concern. Cannibalism is common, where pigs eat on each other's tails and ears -- which thus give birth to the ear and tail docking practices. People remove pigs ears and tails with tweezers and without anaesthesia. I forced myself to see their blood spurting out from a piglet's ear and listen to the excruciatingly painful sound they produce as humans inhumanely treat these animals to their own interest. 

Cows are put into this Kosher machine where people will put them upside down and slit their throat. Painless killing is something very expensive and time consuming -- something that humans can not afford to constantly satisfy the increasing demand of food consumption. Any type of eunasthasia will take far too long to be fully administered to theses beasts. 

You thought that milking process goes like something you saw from those Western movies about farming life. You thought it will be something like Harvest Moon (well that is what I thought). Little did we know that milking cows are injected with special hormones which force them to produce milk excessively, with no break in between, and no exercise. These milking cows will die from exhaustion and will be butchered as meat which you usually consume in fast food restaurants.

Watching the documentary makes me really think about humans desire to control and to reign over this planet. Earthlings simply refers to the inhabitants of Earth. No race or species is concerned. Be it mammals, vertebrae or invertebrae -- we all share the same desires: desire for food, water and shelter. Desire for companionship. Desire for freedom of movement. And desire for avoidance of pain. These desires are shared between human and non-humans alike; therefore animals actually comprehend several similar things like humans do.

I have never really considered speciesism in the same way I see racism, or sexism. All these while, I always think that it is natural for humans to feed on animals; firstly because they are lesser beings, and secondly, I assume that animals are treated humanely for our consumption. I keep on telling myself that those brutal living conditions only apply to very few slaughterhouses, with most having turned to more acceptable methods after receiving much criticism from those who advocate animal rights.

But I am wrong. This documentary proves otherwise. There are still a lot of malpractices happening around the world, and we do nothing about it. We are now living in a giant delusional bubble, protected from spatters of blood, stench of rotten animals, and their helpless cries. 

The documentary is 1.5 hours long but as much as I wanted to force myself to continue watching it, I gave up after 30 mins of non-stop brutality. This is a good reality check for all of us, and I highly recommend everyone to watch it. Who knows, one day we will all stop consuming animals, as we all now stop differentiating races.

I decided to embark on a journey to become a vegetarian. It is not easy, but I hope more people will become more aware and jump into this bandwagon with me.

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I am a messed. (This is gonna be a veeery short insignificant post)

Why does the feeling of liking someone making me so inferior? I always believed that I am in control of my own emotions, and I wouldn't let anyone to have the power to make me feel otherwise.

But the whole idea of liking someone changes everything.

I lose control of my own emotions. They are now dependent on how the person reacts and behave towards me. Whether they reciprocated my feelings and acts of kindness, whether they care or not. I am left guessing the meaning behind every whatsapp reply, through his action, through his facial countenance every time we see each other. It's frustrating when you know your first assumption was wrong because you have to re-start guessing again and make new assumption.

But I found something much worse than that. Which is to hopelessly invest your emotion to somebody that you know will not reciprocate your feelings. Ever. But you still do anyway.

I hate myself for feeling dependent on somebody. For having to ride a roller-coaster ride which I know for sure only goes downwards.

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You Can't Stop the Beat.

This morning I had the privilege of sleeping on a nice comfy bed in an air-conditioned room (Halleluyah) and TELEVISION (for those who don't know, I'm a movie junkie and living without TV or kickasstorrent is diffiCULT). So, I spent the whole morning tuning in to HBO, and came across Hairspray movie, which I obviously forgot what it is about since I watched it LONG LONG TIME AGO. I had a good impression about the movie so I decided to re-watch it again. Surprisingly, I picked up totally different learning points, compared to last time. My mind was immediately flooded with inspiration and determination. I simply couldn't wait to pen down my thoughts about the movie, so here I go.

It has been my wildest dream as a future president to integrate both the natives and the Chinese in my country. Currently we do not have serious segregation problem like apartheid in USA (yet), but the line is drawn pretty clearly. The Chinese will dominate the economy sector, running big businesses, opening up international branches; while the natives mostly dominate the civil service and lower paying jobs. 

To give you a bit of background of Indonesia, I shall elaborate a bit on our social structure. We generally see locals children attending government school, and the adults working as taxi drivers, domestic workers, construction workers, shop assistants, waiters, police, and civil servants. Meanwhile, the Chinese students will attend private schools (considered as better schools because we set our higher standards than the one set up by our MOE). Inevitably, with better funding, the private schools are adorned with cutting-edge facilities, books, and highly-skilled teachers. The ratio of students is tipping towards the Chinese, with perhaps 3 locals in a classroom of 35 students. Although they do blend well in the classroom settings, the condition I observe outside school is largely incomparable to that of my school. There is wide chasm between the 2 races, which remains unbridgeable, until today.

Although the ascension of Ahok as our first Chinese governor bring about promises and much optimism for the Chinese; there isn't so much room for any progress. Many people wanted to bring him down by spreading false rumours about him, making a controversy out of his race just because they do not like the stern approach he's adopting to solve the existing inherent problem in Jakarta.

It's still very difficult to break free from that line of thought -- that they are different from us. And we are different from them. Especially in the eyes of the fanatics.

There is also this stereotype which permeates our society (or at least the people around me), that politics are dirty, and anyone who climbed up the ladder rung by rung with dishonesty, nepotism, and connection. Those with connections can easily pave their way up to rise through the ranks, even without being equipped with the necessary capability to assume the role. As legions of unskilled politicians sit on the top of the hierarchy, more policies passed went unchecked, more ineffective laws -- which only benefit a specific group of people -- are implemented. The whole system is so messed up and Indonesia's ability to break out of poverty and internal problem of corruption grows dangerously thin. This frustrates me a lot.

Anyway, going back to my earlier discussion about the movie (O geez I digressed so much??), I realized that for any successful integration to happen, I need to get the locals to come and support my cause. We need some of them -- especially the more influential ones -- to fight alongside us; just like when Tracy bravely protested together with the Blacks on the street and held accountable for assaulting the chief officer (quite hilarious i swear). My point is, that we need to fight together. Not only those who will receive benefit from the success of any campaign; but also involve the group of people who are initially against us. Slowly lure them and convince them that our cause is the right thing to do. This would significantly reduce the chances of our movement being clamped down or nipped at its bud, because the fanatics could not possibly strip down a movement which their own kind feel strongly about. 

Interestingly, the movie also features John Travolta as Tracy's pessimistic mother. She kept on discouraging Tracy from reaching for her stardom -- not because she disliked the whole idea of pursuing the Arts like most of 21st century parents do -- but because she loved Tracy so much and wanted to shield her from the cruel reality of the entertainment industry which will never accept somebody different like them (Tracy and her mother are obese). It reminds me a lot of my mom, who (more often than not) shot down my ideas, telling me that becoming a pres is nearly impossible, convincing me to leave Indonesia for good, and lead a good life in America, switching to green card. But I was awe-inspired by Tracy's endless determination to go for what she wants. To go for any possible opportunities offered into her plates. To insist on everything she deserves. To take back what people stole from her. And to care about making a difference.

I really encourage everyone here to go and watch  Hairspray! Especially those people who really like musicals like me :P I'm gonna end off with my favourite song from Glee/Hairspray

'Cause you cant stop 
The motion of the ocean 
Or the sun in the sky 
You can wonder if you wanna 
But I never ask why

And if you try to hold me down 
I'm gonna spit in your eye and say 
That you cant stop the beat!

No one is gonna stop me from dreaming big. Yes I am an idealist.

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Too Much La.

Studying abroad promises oceans of possibilities to outgrow yourself; but at the same time, it exposes you to many challenges. It makes you vulnerable as you become the minority in this foreign land. You are different, and you can't help it but to meet people (natives) who will see you as a pest -- a threat to their own kind, as you join their rat race. No matter how hard you tried to blend in, there will always be something that gives away. Sometimes it's your face. Sometimes it's your weird accent. Sometimes, it's your grades which tells people that you are a scholar. The last one is the worst kind of stereotype which I hate most. It is not like we did it in purpose to annoy anyone. It is painful that some people can't just see pass through our grades and label us as scholars. It is fucking frustrating.

During my first 2 years in Singapore, I hated school very much. Teachers often singular us out as scholars, and my local classmates have had their own cliques, making it difficult for us to blend in. I don't really feel belong to IJ, and deep down, I really wanted to make friends with Singaporeans. But my poor English skills often put me down, and I was less inclined to converse with them in the first few months. They talked insanely fast like bullet-train and I barely could catch a word. After months of adaptation, I have improved quite a lot and gained quite a bit of confidence, I had high hopes in JC to really start anew.

JC is the time to re-invent myself, leaving behind the old me and meet new people. I do get along with my classmates now, and I really started to think that these people do not see me as a scholar. During PV session, I shared a bit with them about the pain of living away from your family, and how awful it is to label someone as scholar. Those who knew me quite long enough will know how I changed my accent since I came to VJ. Earlier this year I have promised myself not to adopt Singlish accent, but guess what I am officially adopting it now. I switch accents as I talk to different group of people. But really, adopting local accent gives me much leeway to blend in easily. I am really glad to be a part of my classmates and CCA now. Somehow I feel that the barrier no longer exists and I started to feel accepted here.

But honestly, I have no idea what goes into their mind everytime they see me every morning. Sometimes I wonder. Is it just Meidy or is it Meidy-the-Indonesian-scholar that they see?

Just when I thought I could blend in, somebody prove me wrong.

I seriously have no idea how to react to such offensive remarks I received today. I guess PW makes you feel frustrated and angered; but no one in the right mind would offend their group mate right behind her back. I didn't know if I even wronged him in the first place. The worst you can do is to curse the project, and not your partner. But congrats, I have made up my mind not to even act nice to you anymore. The insincerity of your apology speaks a lot of how you really mean what you said earlier. You can't swallow the words you have mouthed, and simply brushing it off as a 'joke' is really the most coward and shameful thing you can do. Claiming that you can't handle people well (read: socially awkward when it comes to saying sorry) won't solve the problem. You see, apologizing through another person CANNOT translates to sincere apology. If you genuinely want to restore the friendship, then at least some effort need to be done to really mend what you have ruined. You, need to grow up and take ownership of your mistakes.

I decided to not care and make myself feel better by buying a cup of coffee from Starbucks and reflect. I read a very insightful philosophical book, and even jot down some of the exciting plans for my country in my book-for-random-stuff if I ever become a president someday.

You know, one think that I learned from books is that psychologically, angry men wanted to inflict pain on their enemies, and obliterate them. He thinks that being angry will drive me away into a psychological diaspora of submission. He thinks such remarks will make me feel inferior, supposedly change they way I behave in class. Yes, I am reminded of my identity as foreign students but you are not even close in making me feel like I should give up any of my visions. I am an ambitious person and I won't, ever, let you get into my way. I simply need to cross you out from my list of people who mattered, and move on with life.


Lately I am exposed to different types of people, and it's just getting more interesting.




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