deactivating my instagram.

okay last night i decided to deactivate my instagram account. its a big step i know. ive been trying to avoid using instagram lately by intentionally deleting the app from my phone, yet it somehow always found its way back to my home screen because re-downloading it is just a click away. now, i plan to do it for good.

deactivating doesnt necessarily mean deleting the throwing account and photos into the dust bin. i can still reactivate it someday, but meanwhile no one can tag me pictures, photos, or see my profile. im non-existent.

quickly enough my mom realized that i disappeared from insta. my classmates too, because they wanted to tag me cny celebration pics. so i told them that i pull out from the insta world. at least for now.

the reason being this. the morning before i pressed the deactivating account, i found a very disturbing dedication post. i know its every person's right to post anything they like, but i cannot tolerate many of them. strange enough, i still carry on scrolling down my timeline. despite the hate, the jealousy, the sadness, and the hatred, i still return to this cave of negativity -- where i became anti-social and surrounded by negative feelings. it pains me, but i still like torturing myself anyway. masochist taking its psychological form.

sometimes i feel im not thin enough. that is particularly frustrating because my profile page is pretty much decorated by some random stuffs like photos of pencil case, swimming pool, the orange sky, or just my friends. not those with pretty filter, fashionable clothings, or latest food porn. i began to accept my body, but instagram is still holding me back sometimes.

i have a very strong principle to not post every single of my social life. i find its not necessary to prove the world that im having friends, or doing sth other than studying, but ironically im jealous enough to see posts of people having fun too. believe me, i do enjoy my life and go out a lot, but most of them went unpublished. seeing people posting every single thing they do makes me sick. of their narcissism, of their thirst and social insecurity. yes im disgusted, so i delete it altogether. (at this point i sound self-righteous but whatever).

instagram also makes me question my friendships, which is not supposed to be the case. a feature in insta means a lot, and people (even i too) use that to measure how much you mean to a person. scary. i feel im not doing enough to get the attention from the world -- from my friends. Two friendship conflicts almost ended up ugly because of instagram, and i realized that it is time to let go of this unhealthy social media.

anyway, i always have respect for ppl without instagram and ive always wanted to be like them. im done with collecting likes, weird compulsive disorder to check on my phone to check on other's peoples lives. its time to re-focus on my life and stop comparing it with seemingly perfect image of others.



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me being weird. or is it the new normal.

you know lately ive realized that i no longer talk as much as i used to last year. the number of sentences i utter per day has drastically plummet in a free fall, especially at school, be it during recess time or tutorials. im less engaged with the gang i usually associate myself with in class. its weird, and people are taking notice of it.

somehow i really dont give a single shit about what people are talking about (especially if its just random stuffs or failed attempt to prevent the lunch table from being quiet). i feel that those topics are boring, stupid, and unnecessary. its like id rather not waste my energy to talk about frivolous stuffs so id rather keep quiet. i guess this busy year really sucks all my energy until i cant even socialize. of course you know the life balance triangle thing right; to choose 2 of these following options: good grades, sleep, and socialize. its scary to realize that im NO LONGER SOCIALIZING. or rather, to see that my 'socializing' takes its new form.

i still talk to my closest friends in class like jingjing and tianke about my problems, or other more interesting things like the documentaries i watched. perhaps because i know that i can just be myself when im around them: i can be quiet and they wont ask me whats wrong. coz theyll know that i just need time for myself. and they wont think im weird, or awkward -- coz maybe they all went through the same period once in awhile.

a lot of people have been asking me "meidy whats wrong" or "meidy are u okay" just because i dont talk much during dinner or lunch with them. i just desperately need time for myself and save up energy, so can everyone pls stop asking me whats wrong? coz maybe this is the new normal for me. i have always been the serious type (i HATE jokes especially those that i dont get), and i like silence too. silence is not awkward pause. maybe i was just enjoying the food in front of me so im not particularly keen on engaged in any kind of conversation that forces me to gulp it down quickly. maybe i was just tired or going though pms period (this is the worst type coz im very very sensitive to anger and annoyance). so yes, im okay.

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tired af.

okay i know im NOT SUPPOSED to squander my precious time to go ranting in my blog BUT I DESPERATELY NEED TIME FOR MYSELF. anyway writing a blog is not only soothing to the mind but also trains my brain juice to flow for my second SAT which is this Saturday (4 more days).

this is 2nd week to school but i feel tired af (title is self-explanatory). i tried to convince myself that this will only last until april (coz my h3 ends in early may), but the tiredness and busy schedule is getting on my nerves. train ride back and forth NUS is really super time consuming (and tiring) because i cannot use it for studying (i study by scribbling and talking to myself) or sleeping (i need complete silence and darkness). the heck 6 hours every week wasted on train ride instead of resting (which i desperately need too).

i can hardly catch up with my work these days. the major annoying problem is MY SAT (which i will stop preparing for until this saturday) because i keep on piling my school work for this stupid exam. i really want to score a really good one this january, and the fear of not being able to do so (my usual paranoia) makes me feel even more pressurized. i dont want this score to be the obstacle from getting me into my dream uni. so yeah. 4 more days (sigh).

my yellow file keeps on getting thicker and thicker; MEANING i have lots of lecture notes to transcribe into my summary book. and my math tutorials are behind by 3 lectures already (usually im really behind by only 1). IH and SEA notes too, behind by 2 weeks worth of lectures (4 thick wordy notes to condense HELP).

basically im drowning in school work. cca isnt so helpful either because as im about to step down in few months i really feel that im still searching how to strike a balance between strict and friendly leader. im such a failure at this.

ok enough ranting i need to do more SATs. last lap, i need to push through until saturday.

(ranting in blog is not my thing, but i cant help it just for this time only. must be the hormones).

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The magic strings of Frankie Presto.

very few books can actually make me instantly hooked right from its first page. well, Mitch Albom's newest book yet was most certainly one of these few. perhaps its due to all the familiar musical reference and terminology which are woven seamlessly into the story. or because reading the book allows me to walk into a life of a prodigy  (something i would probably wish that i was one myself).

well, to begin with, very few authors have background in music like mitch albom (or else they would have become musicians, would they) so i can confidently say that this is the first book that i feel strongly related to. mitch adopted a back-and-forth POV (i dont exactly know how to put this), he first revealed that frankie is dead and then slowly going backwards while at the same time, revealing his childhood from the day he was born. what makes this book really intriguing is that mitch actually personify Music (yes it sounds amazing) as our narrator. frankie took a large part of Him when he was still a baby, thus what kinda makes him a prodigy.

i won't spoil the rest of the plot here. this spell-binding book was hard to put down, but i forced myself to stop reading it halfway simply because i have 6 hours of journey on train next week to spare.

but i'll write down some of the most beautiful quotes from the book about music (mainly from frankie's guitar teacher, le Maestro)

1. All humans are musical. Why else would the Lord gives you a beating heart?
This is the most moving quote that got me instantly hooked from the 2nd page. I keep on asking myself this question, and it actually boils down to a more serious matters like whether classical music is here to stay (I KNOW IM GOING OFFTRACK but pls bear with me). im appalled by music appreciation in teenagers and my school these days). itunes chart changes every a week or so, as often as women changing their wardrobe clothes. isn't music a form of art? why is it that it sounds more like fad than art these days? i strongly feel classical music is dying and under-appreciated. you know everytime i listen to a piece i would imagine colours and waves flying around. they have emotions and story; there is something i cant describe about them. its trying to tell us something, but every person will understand it differently. my interpretation can differ each time i listen to it again, its how magical those orchestral pieces to me are. so disappointed to let them rotting and replaced by some house music.

2. You cannot write if you do not read,” the blind man said. “You cannot eat if you do not chew. And you cannot play if you do not”—he grabbed for the boy’s hand—“listen.
sadly, teachers these days hardly inspire their students. they spoon-feed us with information, thinking that we would actually retain them voluntarily. maybe we do, but our brain doesnt. you see, since i was young, i didnt know what it SOUNDS like to be a good violinist. my teachers would tell me to do this, to practice harder, to play that. but i never really understood what i wanted to achieve. if theres no example given, why would you think i want to invest my energy and time on sth that i do not enjoy? i think this is also applicable to all fields of learning experience. only after listening to Maestro playing for 1 year, then frankie was allowed to learn how to play guitar. i really think that this is the future of learning experience. students must have that spark and willingness to learn before they dive into that subject deeper.

3.You humans are always locking each other away. Cells. Dungeons. Some of your earliest jails were sewers, where men sloshed in their own waste. No other creature has this arrogance—to confine its own. Could you imagine a bird imprisoning another bird? A horse jailing a horse?
i didnt realize that WE are the only species who kill one another. name me one animal that murders their own kind. have you lost your faith in humanity?

4. Do not cry for losing blood. Not for something you love.
frankie hurt his fingers as he practised his guitar. sacrifices must be made to achieve great things. muscle sore and neck pain from intense violin practise. feeling stressed out and missing that movie to study for exams. forgoing fried food and your favourite dessert as a part of your diet. without perseverance on doing these things, to keep trying although it hurts like mad, is a part-and-parcel of reaching greater heights.

5. But all love stories are symphonies. And, like symphonies, they have four movements. 

• Allegro a quick and spirited opening 
• Adagio a slow turn
• Minuet/Scherzo short steps in 3/4 time
• Rondo, a repeating theme, interrupted by various passages.

all musicians would think that this part is self-explanatory. beautifully written.

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Escape.

I thought leaving Singapore allows me to escape my problems. Well, it does. But I came here only to face my other unsolved ones since 2013. And they are staring at my face every single day for the next 10 days. My life problems looks like a concerto, you think it's over and you -- as audience -- is ready to clap. But the Composer thinks differently. He would smile at the audience and nod to offer the sign of respect, but nevertheless waves His baton again for the more 'exciting' finale -- presto. 

Sometimes I wonder whether I will ever find a place to call home. Have you ever felt like you stuck in between? To never get to feel cozy in my own room at VHall because hostel rules and social expectations stall restrict you from doing anything you want. To never feel at home in Jakarta because the city has unfolded before your eyes, without you in it; as you see everything makes its headway without your consent. To feel lonely during holidays because you don't feel reaching out to your old friends, just because you postulate that they won't empathize or identify with the experience you had or the people you met all this while when you were away. Or simply assuming that they have already had their own lives and new friends; and that you're forgotten for good. (Which proves the notion that friends never really stay when you embark on a new life phase).

Sometimes I really ask myself if I want to really return here should my family are all gone. Would I still fit in? Would I have people to trust? Would people understand me? When I began to see myself adopting a foreign language and accent, I started to lose confidence in speaking my own native language. Watching a local TV headlines makes me cower for some reasons -- many words which I haven't been hearing for the past 2 years or so. When you think that your own native language sounds strange to your ears, you know that yo just lost a part of yourself.

And I seriously think that it's no longer fitting for me to aspire to become a president. I don't know if I really want to abandon the safer track which I can conveniently choose: diving into the business world like what most Indon-Chinese would probably do.

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OMM-SOTA Camp.

This past one week has been somewhat magical, and surreal to me. I expected least from the camp, yet I was so rewarded with many things for the past one week.

Last July, I signed up for an audition to join this camp organized by SOTA + OMM (Orchestra of the Music Makers, a non-profit orchestra). Little did I know that they're good players. Initially I thought we would play simple pieces, and I could easily gained a position as concert mistress. Hahaha you wish, Mei. Turns out that there are a LOT of better players than me in the camp.

First day, we were splitted into several groups for ice-breaking games. My group comprised of amazing talented people: Jorim Jireh (18, NJC), his knowledge of classical music reminds me of Marcel Hanardi, a close friend of mine from TYO. He knows a LOT of pieces, and what is amazing is that he can comment a lot about them (unlike me,... who can AT MOST only say things like  "I LIKE THAT PIECE VERY MUCH"). Amanda Tay, (18, ACSI) I can instantly tell that we will be good friends. Apparently she would become my deskmate!!! I'll talk more about her in awhile. Tzu Zeng,, (16, ACSI). I swear he's so cute that I wish he is my little brother. Sadly he plays double bass, so I didn't have much time to talk to him again after the ice-breaking game.

Much to my disappointment,  I sat at the inner 7th desk. I was kinda hoping for at least 2nd or 3rd desk, but they put me at the back of the orchestra for some reason. Little did I know that there's so much to learn from sitting at the back. We had our first reading session for Mendelssohn's Reformation and Beethoven's Egmont. THEY SOUND UNBELIEVABLY GOOD MUCH TO MY SURPRISE. I really expect very little from the orchestra, but they have pretty good sight-reading skills. I really really enjoyed the sound of the woodwinds sections, they were exceptionally talented because they can produce amazing sound for the first reading session. Bravo.

I learned that sitting at the back requires a lot of skills to keep up with the entire orchestra. You simply couldn't hear anyone from your section but yourself, so you have to either rely on the conductor's baton or the movements of your friends' bows in front. But doing that concurrently with reading the demanding scores is actually way harder than i thought. I always thought I can keep an eye of the conductor while reading the scores, but... nope. For the whole first day I was lagging behind by few notes, and it's actually embarrassing hahaha. But yeah I went back and practiced to familiarize myself with the notes. It gets better as we have more practices the next following days.

The entire practice stretches over 7 hours. 3 hours of tutti practice, 1 hr of break, and another 3 hrs of sectionals. It means 6 hrs of intense practice. I swear we all died after we finish practice each day, but the lessons we learn from every single day are worth the muscle sore and neck pain.

On Friday (5th day of camp), we had Community Project with 50++ little Japanese kids from the kindergarten owned by Tsumugu's mother. I (stupidly) volunteered to present the introduction of strings family to these small kids (coz nobody wants to do it). I really thought I can pull it off easily, I mean, how hard can it be right.... hahahaahahahahhahahahahaa I WAS WRONG. I'm very bad at making friends with kids. I tried to do this draw a link between violin-viola-cello-double bass with the whole analogy sister-mother-grandma thing, but I was really nervous like hell standing in front of all the campers and 50+ children. Thankfully, Bryan Tay actually helped me to improve my script by adding on some elements like 'hiding' the double bass behind and giving the exaggerated sound effects like "ooo double bassssss where areeeee youuuu" and "ITS SO HUGGEEEEEEEEEE" hahaha it was quite fun and nerve-wrecking. Glad that someone is actually helping me out to be shameless lol. Oliver actually liked my presentation (yeay!), and Bryan gave me this Christmas card to thank me today which totally made my day. I rarely met sentimental guys but it's very nice of him to actually spend time writing cards for everyone.

Another special thing about this camp is actually how I was so amazed by Gabriel's bow control through out Wineawski's Violin Concerto No. 2. I cannot even put words into it -- those simple notes were perfectly executed in ways that made the a lot of campers smile in awe (well at least those people sitting near me like Jorim, Michael, and Amanda ahahaha). I can literally listen to him playing that one melody line for years and not complaining. He made me felt heads over heels with this piece -- it quickly became my new favourite track. I wish I can play as good as him someday, so I promise myself to spend hours on doing scales this holiday to perfect my bow control.

Of course, I cannot simply leave out Prof Chan from the list of wonderful things from the camp. His insights and his attitude in making music are remarkable. I feel really honoured to ever play under his baton. He certainly knows what he wants, and he knows how to achieve it just by words to influence how we play. His professionalism in shaping the music gave me an eye-opening experience on how to interpret the pieces we play. He quoted a renowned violinist that the minute we feel drained from practising is actually the time when we should not close the score. Because pushing ourselves a bit further more from what we are capable of, we stretches ourselves to become a better musician by subconsciously exploring a new aspect of ourselves.

And last but not least, I would talk about Amanda Tay. I'm grateful to have her as my deskmate, because if there is one thing I fear most from this camp, is that I would be a total outcast. I knew no one except Tricia who plays double bass (meaning, I cannot stick around her during practice). And the week before, I was working with an awful guy from ACSI in the CIP Committee Group, which makes me even more reluctant to go for the camp. I thought everyone would be like him: arrogant and condescending. But no, I was wrong. Amanda proves that ACSI people are not jerks lol (I have this impression abt them). And she introduced me to her friend Michael, who is very very very funny. He guessed my name as Sarah HAHAHA. He said I look like a 'Sarah' lmao. Amanda and I had dinner just now in Clementi Mall to talk about her 'past' hahaha. It's heartening to see how quickly we become very very close within a week. If we were to come from the same school, we can easily become really really really good friends.

So tomorrow is the big day. I can't believe it's going to end within 24 hrs. I wish I don't have to go to school forever. I know that I really like playing in an orchestra, and I wish my days can be as tiring and fulfilling like I had this whole week -- learning what I really like and be inspired by the people around me.

Thank You for this opportunity you gave me, and I hoped to remember this whole week for the next few years to come.

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20 facts about me.

Not that anyone would actually read this, but I think this is a good personal introspection exercise to know myself better too.

1. I wouldn't trade my violin skill with anything else in this world. It is a part of my identity, something that I'm really really proud of; and no one can take it away from me -- as long as I have my fingers attached. As I said before, I never really envy students who score in exams better than I do because I'm proud of being who I am today. My violin gives me a reason to love my life as it is, and I need to really thank my mom for that. The secret to enjoying life to the fullest is to do what you really like and what you deem as right. For me, I balance my studies with my violin, and it's sufficient to make me happy. I'm quite amazed that both actually compliment one another. My studies brought me to Singapore so that I'm more exposed to more musical opportunities; and at the same time my violin helped me advanced my studies by getting me into VJC. And I'm enjoying the time of my life here.

2. My interest varies a lot. If you give me a whole month of holiday, I would make full use of it to really explore my limits. Currently, I'm learning coding (HTML and CSS). And I plan to take up ice-skating again this December. Let's see how it goes.

3. I don't really like Physics, but I'd like to think that I'm doing pretty good at it. When I was still in Indonesia, my first physics teacher, Mr. Bambang actually inspired me a lot to take up Physics as my major. He doesn't teach us. He simply inspires us. And because of him, I bought some self-help books (for the first time!!) to better understand Physics. But lately i've been asking myself the same question over and over again: is Physics really something I wanted to pursue for university? I don't know. I hope to figure out soon.

4. I'm an extrovert introvert. Basically I'd like to spend most of my time with myself, and maybe occasional hang outs with a friend (mind the use of singular noun). Generally im not comfortable hanging out with a large group of people, because there's a limit to what i can learn from each individual in such outings. It's less personal, and I don't like it.

5. Lmao now about guys. I never really like hot guys, coz you know... they're vain hahaha. I'm more impressed with people with substance. I think this is also applicable to people in general. I like surprises. So if I expect less from you, and you surprises me along the way as I get to know you -- the more I like this person. Okay for e.g. yesterday I saw this ordinary guy from OMM Camp wearing a Game of Thrones t-shirt. First impression? Nice taste of TV series. 10 points for him. Then 5 mins later I learned that he's our soloist for our concert. The next second, he blew everyone away with his rendition of Wineawski's Violin Concerto No. 2 in D minor. 100 points for him. You see, this is what makes people really attractive, not their looks. And it's not merely confined to musical skills. It can be sth like your interest in politics, your interest in magic tricks, photography skills, your wanderlust, the list of books you have read, your insights about people, your cooking skills. Anything.

6.  I hope to travel to Iceland someday and see the Norwegian Lights.

7. I want to learn how to play harp someday.

8. I'm a vegetarian. See my previous post abt 'Specienism' if you'd like to learn why.

9. I'm a big fan of chocolate!!! Esp European chocolates!! I eat one bar everyday hahaha, it's my favourite comfort food :)

10. I have small circle of people whom I really trust. What I really look for is the quality of the friendships, not really the number.

11. I have this weird body alarm that wakes me up at 7 am everyday. No matter how tired I am the night before, I would just wake up at 7 am and be a zombie the whole day.

12. I don't like action movies. Don't ask me to watch James Bond movie with you, it's a waste of money for me. Please give me a substantial movies like Silence of the Lamb or Beautiful Mind, then I will go with you.

13. I never really think through the decisions I made in my life. Coz if I overthink about it, I will end up not making full use of the opportunities available to me. I try to overcome my fear of rejection, and how to best deal with it?? To sign up for everything that's challenge myself without thinking twice. Because once I hit the 'submit button', there's no turning back. It's working pretty well in forcing myself to test my limits. And I'm going to do this more often.

14. If I have to choose between my ipod and my iphone, I would choose my ipod. Can't live without music for a day.

15. I have a love-hate relationship with instagram. I have a private insta just for myself which functions as my diary. I would share my thoughts there if it's concise enough. They do not need audience so I don't open it to anyone.

16. Yes I have a very neat hand-writting, but you wouldn't believe the length at which I trained my hand-writing skills. Then you miiiight want to just keep your current writing style. I have this very neat JC notebook that I always carry around with me at all times. I'm really proud of it hahaha

17. I love green. Partially because that's my brother's favourite colour (when I was little I kinda idolized him so basically I tried to copy everything he likes or he does), but now I personally think that green is beautiful

18. I like travelling very very much, especially with a good company (mind the use of singular noun). Being a traveler is essentially different from being a tourist. Tourist looks around but traveler sees things and learns from them. A good company adds value to my experience because they sometimes gives insights about myself that I didn't know earlier.

19. I tried (hard!!!) to lose weight, but I'm kinda stuck now. Nah, losing weight is no longer my main concern now, but I do cut down my food intake these days.

20. I used to watch anime and read manga (A LOT). I used to be hard core gamer too (for girls standard). But not now. I kinda read a lot now, but if I rarely have time so if the book is not good I won't finish it.







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