The Lady.

I cannot remember the last time I felt deeply moved by a simple movie. Perhaps it was last year when I watched the Imitation Game (post can be viewed below). Today I decided to watch The Lady, a film depicting Aung Saan Suu Kyi's life struggle.

It was my history tutor, Ms Fatma who firstly showed us this movie months back when she was teaching the Decolonization of Burma in one of her lecture before June holidays kicked in. She showed us a 3-minute clip of how her father was assassinated by the Junta military group before they managed to attain independence in 1947. I told myself to download the movie after school, but it is only today that I brought myself to really open the file and watch it.

All my life, I found that it is highly unlikely that I will be able to relate myself to a political figure -- especially when you are taught that politics are dirty and complicated. More over, not a single Indonesian President deserves my respect or admiration so far (with the exception of perhaps Sukarno and Jokowi).

All my life I feel disappointed with the key leaders of my country. Corrupted, selfish. What is there to be proud of? Then this movie came about.

I was so inspired by Aung San's determination and endless love towards her country of birth. My favourite quote was:

I might have lived nearly all my life abroad. I might have married a foreigner. But these facts do not lessened my love and my devotion to my country.

It is simply amazing to see how she kept to her words through out her ups-and-down in Myanmar. Her separation from her ailing husband, her beloved children -- whom always have been their pillar of support -- failed to discourage her from continuing her mission. Perhaps it is the people's love for her that makes her stay. To fight on. To not give up. To dedicate her entire life on a cause.

How can one be so selfless? If I was to have such a loving family, I would see myself distracted from what I dream to become of. Only this morning, my physics HOD shared about his career journey; how he left his job in oil company just to be reunited with his children, and becoming a teacher instead. I guess it's all about choosing the right option. But really, option for whose good? My own good? Or for the good of others?

Anyway, I want to be somebody like Daw Suu for Indonesia. Courageous and charismatic woman. Wonderful and likable in her own way. There hasn't been such figure from Indonesia, but I can learn from my neighbouring country. I told myself to visit Myanmar someday later.

Few hours ago I was engaged in a conversation with my roommate about how she fear for not having to marry anyone in the future. Her friend told her not to worry because she is a wonderful and intelligent person, but she is deeply aware that most don't value girls' intelligence that much. In fact, they fear them. Inferiority, isn't that the worst feeling that a guy can have? Pretty looks, isn't that what all guys are eyeing for?

But I suppose in the end, I can still to choose to have the best of both worlds too. Looking at Daw Suu's love story and perhaps Lee Kwan Yew's, it is still possible to share a life with intelligent special someone who share the same values as I do. They say, behind a great man stands a great woman. I believe great man and woman stand next to each other :)

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Unbowed. Unbent. Unbroken.

I'm starting to lose the kind of flow of writing I acquired before O Levels, so I might as well start getting used to write more to prevent writer's block in 3 weeks time (MID YEARS IS COMING). Aside from that, I learnt that writing your thoughts can be a good stress relief, ... or boredom relief (in this case).

Unbowed. Unbent. Unbroken.

Something that I found really inspiring and captivating from Game of Thrones. Something that I can relate to myself, and something that I aspire to become as I continue living my life.

About 2 months ago, I had a severe quarter-life crisis. Losing my sense of purpose, I became greatly disappointed with myself. Perhaps it's all parts and parcels of adjusting to new stage of life, Junior College. Everything is so fast-paced. Moreover, my fear of rejections put me in a pitfall. Life goes on, people move on, but I am stuck.

I used to be somebody who's driven. Knowing what to do, what the steps are, working my ass off to get what I want. But when you can't envision yourself in the future, that's when my engine stops working.

These days, I invested more time deciding what I want to be in the future. My experience in MUN (Model United Nation) last week, as well as NTU Engineering Day Challenge brought me new and fresh perspectives. It's time to set new goals, new aspiration, and work towards it.

I figured out that I don't want to be a politician, or President for that matter. MUN-ing was not particularly enjoyable to me. I don't see how making and signing resolutions will create a better Indonesia, and I saw a lot of flaw and ineffectiveness of the entire system. So yes, goodbye political science.

In stark contrast, my visit to NTU was truly an unforgettable experience. I had a clearer understanding of many different branches of engineering, and truly delighted to see many possible areas to explore in. I was fascinated.

And so today, I started to set my eyes on possible universities that I would like to go to. Surfing through different websites gave me inspiration, the type of fuel I need these days to be consistent in my studies. Now I know where I am going, and this is a promise that I made to myself: I will get in to MIT.

God works in different ways, and has proven to always granted my desire and wishes if I really need it. I may not be the best from my city, but He blessed me with this A*STAR scholarship. I may not be the best among the other scholars, but He granted me a place in JC of my dream, VJ. And this time, I believed that I will marvel at his work one more time, as He conspires to help me achieving my next goal.

I don't believe in paper chase. For me, getting into MIT is not a matter of prestige to get a high-paying job when I graduate. It's a matter of learning the best from the best, which will be able to equip me in creating a better Indonesia. The journey to secure the grades will be a treacherous climb, but as long as I have faith in myself, and keep on persevering, it has never been an impossible thing.

Unbowed. Unbent. Unbroken.

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Socializing

School kicked in just a week ago and I am already emotionally tired.

Never in my life did I feel that socializing is tiring until yesterday. JC started off with orientation week, organized by the school councilors, whereby we -- the freshies -- were grouped into 6 different OG, namely Valkador (mine), Khizora, Aphrode, Primitus, Revozone, and Xenois. The orientation theme for this year was AEON, which means 'timeless' in some foreign language. Those 6 OGs represent 6 different eras of time, who then must compete against each other to defeat the Dark Lord and retrieve the time capsule in order to revive the dying Time Lord. The winning team shall be declared as the savior of Time, restoring our human time back to normal. The entire orientation concept was extraordinarily novel and creative, kudos to the OGLs and SC Orientation Ad Hocs!

Although we had our big time during orientation, the programmed stretched for way too long. For that entire week, I had to scream at the top of my lungs, stomping madly on the hall's floor, jumping to the beat of our cheers and more. Not to mention the effort I put in to know my sub OG members. In VJC, one had to appear amicable at all times, be hyped wherever you are, and speak out. One cannot simply sit down and be a spectator. We needed to show our pride as a Victorian; otherwise, you will be the outcast. The one whom people don't even bother to speak with or maybe even notice.

At first, I thought this school was the right school for me. As a former Sanurian, there is nothing excites me more than cheering for my friends competing on the dance floor, or caroling together during Christmas. But boy, things have gone way too much for my taste. I have never felt this socially tired before I entered VJC.

Everyday, orientation ends very late. And, to top off everything, we usually had sub-OG dinner together, followed by games and late conversations with friends in my OG. Then, when we get to be posted to our classes, I need to re-introduce myself to different groups of people. More class lunch and dinner after orientation ends. I can be very social, but I desperately need a time for myself after being extremely social. Especially when I got very exhausted at certain days. I would just shut myself down and stop being so bubbly. I had my moods.

Thus I decided to spend my whole Sunday with myself. I was supposed to meet my batchmates from CJCH, but then as much as I wanted to join them, I really locked myself in the study room and read up lecture notes. Initially I had no intention for mugging, however actually learning new things can be a way to spend a quality time with yourself. 

Class officially starts tomorrow. All the best for me. Here's to surviving term 1-2.

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The Imitation Game

Dear blog. I just finished an amazing (to say it amazing itself is an understatement) movie, The Imitation Game. I would say that it is not the movie which inspires me to write this post, but rather Allan Turing's very own life story, in and of itself, which stirs me most.

A quick recap of the movie (SPOILERS ALERT), Allan Turing was a genius mathematician who spent the last years of his life decoding Germany's Enigma, a machine used to send cryptic messages during the World War II. Together with his 5 fellow equally exceptional code breakers (the best in England) they dedicated 2 years of their lives to create this machine named Christopher, since Turing believed that not even the most genius mind of England could break Enigma within 18 hours. Yes, the German coding system will alter itself every 00.00, thus they must all decipher the code before midnight; daily. And if they fail to do so, they had to start all over again every time the clock strikes 00.00

What really bothers me about Turing is that he was an outcast. He was never liked by anyone in his school except Christopher, his childhood friend. One heartening quote which leaves me thinking after the movie ends is, Sometimes it is the people who no one imagines anything of who do the things that no one can imagine.

And then I sort of went into a trance and wondering if I will ever get to live such an abnormal life like his. All I want is to contribute to the humanity, doing something significant in my life; not for me, but for the world. It would be a great privilege not to just existing and living on this Earth, but to actually do something, make something, or save the world from disaster, or just to make people's lives better.

One reason why I choose my future career path is that I can actually make something out of it after I have graduated. I want to be the agent of change, the driver of change. I want to invent things which other people have not had yet in mind. I want to do something revolutionary, just like what Mr. Turing did. This is partly why I always keep my musicality as a hobby and not a good career prospect. It's not about the earnings (initially it was about the earnings) but as I grow up I truly understand that my life needs to mean something more than just piling up some cash. To change the world for the better, you can't only be an artist. You need science.

And the journey as a scientist or any jobs related to science is not a bed of roses. While it might seems like one (talk about the high payroll and social status), you will discover the thorns. Firstly, I am not a gifted student. I like Physics, but I am not the type of student who can do the test with my eyes closed. For me, science is all-intriguing and I love to learn more about them (I seriously do!); however it has never been my strongest subject. As a matter of fact, I don't have any particular strong subject. I'm just a mediocre hard-working student who is gasping in this gargantuan ocean filled with big fishes (meaning Einsteins). Realizing this causes me to shrink even more; sending me to this devastating vortex of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of achieving nothing. Fear of merely being another ordinary.

Just right after I finished my movie, my friend texted me to ask for a help in an volunteer work he is taking part in. And I'm like: ....I have done nothing. What have I been doing with my life. Am I wasting my time? Am I wasting my opportunities?

There is so much liberty in a holiday, that I can do almost anything I want; ranging from practising my violin to reading books. What terrifies me is that lately, is that I started to perceive my hobbies as something... unproductive. Absolutely awful. Isn't the whole idea of holiday is to sort of wind down? To relax your mind and basically do whatever you feel like doing?

Am I overthinking? Do I need to even worry that much about my life? Do other people think the same way? Why all my Indon friends seem to be comparatively clueless about it? Am I making too much of a big deal out of a simple life? Am I meant to just lead an ordinary life? Finishing school, graduating from university, getting a job, marrying a significant other, having kids, waiting them to grow up, and die? Is that all?

Does life has something in store for me? Am I meant to do great things? If yes, what should I be doing now? Or...should I just let it flow?

I don't know, seriously. I just don't know.

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2014.

January is approaching to its end (omg I honestly feel that new year was only like a week ago), but I haven't properly list all the things that happened in 2014. There were thousands of things to be grateful about, but I guess it can be cut down to just a dozen or so.

1. For getting into VJC. The whole DSA preparation took me about a year, starting off as early as 2013. Determined to get in, I studied my piece like it was a bible, practising the same bars for hours, with depressed sighs which can be heard even by the passers-by (like Uncle Bernie hahaha). Frustration forced me to throw tantrum at times, falling into this whole vortex of depression, since I couldn't seem to be able to reach my violin mentor's standard. It took me lots of painful comments and dissatisfied rantings from her to compel me practising hard. I have rewind Janine Jansen's performance video hundreds of time to mimic her musical passion and technique (esp bowing. She's extremely generous in her bowings). You can almost see my entire score being wrecked by my illegible scribblings in different coloured pens for the first 4 pages. My new iPhone 5s was exploited for a good reason, to record my own performance, again and again and again, tirelessly. When I reached the point where I couldn't even listen to the song without getting sick, I persevere for a few more days. And I succeed. It was tiring, and stressful (since I had to juggle with all the crazy school work too), but all worth it. I'm a Victorian!

2. For meeting my new best bud, Lize. I really have no idea how we end up being so close now, but after awhile I grow comfortable around him, and even have a habit to read newspaper together every weekend mornings. I think it mostly because we shared our problems together and helped each others' back when we can. Certainly sbd that I will miss dearly in VJ this year.

3. For that certain somebody whom even though what we had between us will never be the same again, I will always cherish our heartfelt moments together. The dreams and fears I've shared with, the inside jokes and wonderful moments (and the bad ones); It is a blessing to have our paths crossed at some point.

4. For my whole IJ experience. Getting to know more about my best buds at school, Sharan, Penny, and Shruthi. Penny for keeping me motivated as always, for making me laughed inappropriately to your inexhaustible ambition. Sharan and Shruthi, who made lessons less boring with our inside racist jokes (sorry for making fun of our diversity :P), thank you for 'surviving' with me in Literature lessons.

5. For my brother. We grew even closer as the year came to a close. With so many things going on within our family, I guess he's the only reason which keeps me anchored to the ground of sanity. When life gets rough, he will be the one who understands all the time. Never judging and less sentimental than me. Perfect.

6. For my roommate, Monik. After a year settling down in Singapore, I've come to conclude that I am very lucky to have her as a roommate. I think we compromise together and that's how I end up really liking her. We share stuffs like food, clothes (perks of having same size body), and other things. There were times when we really got frustrated with Literature that we decided to revise together with our senior. Or there were times when we become the only living people existing in the girls' corridor because everyone just go down to mug and modus HAHAHA. We fought bees together, we fought hard, and we won! Using broomsticks and dictionary we killed a dozen and swept them off the window. Another sbd whom I miss when I enter my JC life because she's going to another school :(

7. For my entire cool batch mate whom I can't personally write down. Thank you for being extremely awesome, we've bonded through numerous random group outings and food. For all the laughter in that Sentosa beach, the outing in Ubin Island (HOSCOMMS!), for the daily conversations we had in the dining hall or slopes or anywhere around the hostel.

8. For my mom, whom I am thankful for years since I was born. For being there when I feel down, for surviving in Indonesia when I'm not around, for the endless love you've given me everyday, for coping with my monthly bad mood, and for being there when I feel joyful. My last month in 2014 was well-spent, thanks to you Mom.

9. For Uncle Bernie, who was by far the most non-Singaporean-like Singaporean. Your extraordinary way of thinking and wonderful smile are what I look forward most in the weekends. Definitely, one of the few who left a mark in my Singapore journey. Thankyou for believing in me when my mentor seems to lose all her hope hahaha.

10. For the wonderful Maam Tee. She reminds me a lot to my elder brother and my Indo teacher back then. Full of spirit, dedicated, and inspiring. One of the few who genuinely care about our well-being and personal life as a foreign student. She never let any MOE shit chained her from teaching us invaluable out-of-syllabus lessons. Thank you for believing in me when almost IJ teachers believe that I'm incapable of improving in language.

11. For the O Level experience. It was tough. I felt like giving up half through (we all did), but we did it! The whole 3 months (more or less) experience had pressed me to go beyond what I'm capable of, to leave me reflecting about several things, and let myself practice my self-constraint.

I guess that is pretty much everything. Listing them all down has a therapeutic effect on my fingers and mind. Hmm, I should do this more regularly (like once in a year) to fully appreciate what life had in store for me.

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Gender Identity and Platonic Friendship

Dear Blog. Just a few days ago, I had a hard time shutting down my brain and closing my eyes for nearly 3 consecutive hours. Perks of long holidays: you won't need to worry about school in the morning. Yay! So I let my mind wandered that midnight. Feelings come and go and vanish into thin air. I was fine the next morning.

BUT, a conversation with a friend last night left me thinking one more time, compelling myself to pull another all-nighter to investigate things. In this case relationships.

As most of you should have fairly recognized by now, I tend to hang out more with those of my opposite gender than those of my own. (Two years ago I know nothing about boys and voila I escaped from the 'green jail' <Sanur> and entered a kingdom of freedom! Hurray to life!)

My Indo ex-school mates always raised the same questions over and over again: got boyfriend huh? accompanied by the same sneaky smirk and a little nudge to my elbow every time I had some reunions. And they will always get the same reaction: no leh. Jomblo hahaha. (poor me)

Anyway, it turns out that they have been stalking me quite thoroughly through my instagram account (without liking most of them, that's why I didn't know that they were actually active stalking users), scrolling almost all my recent pictures, making a controversy out of some pics which feature me with some guys. (They even thought Benji was my bf since I ran 11 km with him and posted it in insta XDD brb rotfl)

They all act surprised, the idea of entering college scares most of them because they have been way too comfortable with single-sex school that they giving up interacting with boys altogether. I would say that it's the other way around. Sanur taught me not to put on an act when I interact with anyone, be it amongst the girls or not (shameless), yet it helped me to just be who I am, and not acting all lady-like to impress some shits.

But I truly wonder why it doesn't apply to everyone when the majority of my cohort mates are experiencing the same thing on a daily basis. So I decided to go online and search for an answers. I once believed that it has something to do with my past, thus I let anonymous people to offer me some logical explanations after a bit of my background.

Firstly, one argues that I feel more comfortable with guys because they are just less judgmental (hmm.. I would like to think like that as well). I don't get to compete with guys in terms of looks, grades, attentions, or opportunities (since we go to different schools here), and men do not compete with me. We co-exist, and we do it just fine (If my hypothesis is correct, all this will change as I enter a co-ed junior college). I feel less threatened, as compared to my girl friends who practically share the same hostel corridor and classroom 24/7. Perhaps, I subconsciously wanted to be like some of them in some ways, and that makes me subconsciously jealous, and thus repelled myself (again subconsciously). Traits associated with girls like gossiping can also be a major reason why I don't usually share the other side of my story (unless I've come to trust you whole-heartedly). Although girls are probably more sensitive than guys, I'm the type of a person who welcome a straight-forward / to-the-point inputs; and feelings often comes secondary. So, to spare me the complexities of a woman and my own frustration, I choose to flock to men. It's a safer bet and it boost my self-esteem; saving me from the pain of rejection.

Then I wonder if my friendship with people I am closed with shall stay platonic forever. A friend of mine believes that a relationship between two supposedly attracted individuals cannot remain as platonic. Sooner or later, one of them will feel 'more' than just friends, and there is where things get complicated. As much as I wanted to deny this, I feel that it makes more sense from day to day. It's so difficult to define the boundaries of friendships that I wish that I was born as a male instead to make things less sophisticated.

To clear things up, I have never purposely choose to befriend with a specific gender. Not that I remember.

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One More Week to JC Life.

Hi blog. Receiving my O Levels results yesterday. Mixed feelings happened. Extremely grateful to a very large extent (never thought I would kick ass in my two most problematic subjects, Literature and English), with a minor disappointment for some eyesores to my supposedly pristine (haha) cert. Well, then there you go, *cue background song*  You can't always get what you waaaaaannnt. You can'always get what you waaaaaaaant. But if you try sometimeeeeees you just might findddd. You get what you neeeed.

Geez that song immediately struck me and I was like, wow thanks for the awful reminder.
Hate it. No. That won't do. Never a second will I believe it. That's practically the worst advice one can ever give. Ever. If somebody ever try to console me with such crap I would probably banish him or her into my remote island of strangers (that's how Xinran probably put it).

No, I'm not implying that sbd just got banished. I'm fine. Totally fine now. Not to worry. It's just that somehow it is a very appropriate time for me to post something related to psychology after receiving the results.

Oh yes hi I read psychology stuffs now ha ha ha (God, it was only 2 years ago that I spent my free time doing nothing but fantasizing about One Direction and look at me now, reading university textbook ^_^")

You see, recently I read something about this interesting theory called cognitive dissonance. I was instantly hooked because I was totally blind to this somewhat abstract idea which I (beyond question) encounter almost every day as a perfectionist.

Cognitive dissonance is simply a state whereby your beliefs and reality contradict one another, creating this feeling of discomfort; and thus you will try your best to reduce it. (This is where it gets interesting).

If my one line explanation seems insufficient, you can always look it out in Wikipedia page or other psychology websites in the Internet. Be my guess. Leave this page and open the search engine. This post won't go anywhere anyway. Proceeding with insubstantial understanding may lead to confusion and misinterpretation.

Humans are extremely fragile. Everyone has this self-defense mechanism to downplay any possible threat to what they uphold in life. That is the sole reason why reducing cognitive dissonance is supremely vital to protect (my) self worth.

Basically I've been telling myself that (firstly) comparison is a thief for happiness. Yesterday I was like a TOTAL WALKING CONTRADICTION. I've always believed that comparison is necessary to drive one forward and aspire to be better. Although sometimes I told myself and others (gosh realizing that I was an unintentional hypocrite) that one should set their own goals and stick with it, subconsciously I recognize that all of our expectations are actually relatively interlinked with others' expectations. Like, you know, diatas langit selalu ada langit idiom. After crossing my own finish line, I would rejoice and party and woohoo! but soon found out there are more prestigious races to participate in. Yes, it's like a rat race. (now the idiom feels literally apt).

So conclusion: I'm not a hypocrite. I have always believed the latter, but admitting the former to reduce my cognitive dissonance. (BAM. First attempt busted.)

Okay. In order to proceed a little bit deeper, I need to tell you more about my results. Implicitly, I did good for certain subject. The problem is, it's not extremely good (told you beforehand I'm a perfectionist). Frankly I was actually planning to pursue this particular subject further as my future career (now you would prob can guess what right ^_^" if youre still clueless then ha-ha-ha-bye you know practically nothing about me). Truth to be told, this heaven-sent mockery inside my head me said: "BUT YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. SURE WANT TO DO THIS MEH."
*Ba-dum-tsk*

Then I decided to share it with my friend. And she wrote this:

If you wanna be a (insert job here) , be a goddamn (insert job here) because from what i see of  your previous scores, something in it (Os) is really screwed up.
It could have been exhaustion, poor marking, or other shitty accidents. All these will change. And the only thing that will stay the same is your desire to do well in what you like to do, and if it is (insert job here), then nothing should be standing in your way.

Hahaha I love using brackets to mess up with you today.

My belief: If I were good enough I should be able to get the extremely good score.
But no I didn't. I know it is a one-time evaluation type of examination, which is relatively unfair to a more traditional exam system whereby average marks are taken over the years; therefore forming a better representation of the student's skill. But me, being as stubborn as I am, want a thorough and comprehensive understanding of a subject I particularly fond off. So read again the first line of this paragraph.

But no, as a form of reducing my cognitive dissonance I choose to listen to my dearest friend. I'm pursuing it in JC and most likely later in uni. Second attempt busted.

There are many other busted cases, approach from different angles just from this one (seemingly unimportant in a decade I bet) life event. Quite a large part of my confidence was destroyed last night, leaving me awake until 2 am and sleep deprived with obvious mood swings up until now.

Anyway. School is starting in 3 weeks time. My life as a Victorian is just about to begin! Congratulations to everyone, and if you are not following my line of thoughts just now, don't worry. Cognitive dissonance or any of this blog's content is not going to be tested in A levels. Cheers.

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