how to deal with university rejections and uncertain scholarship application.

the answer is simple: isolate yourself in the room, write your thoughts in the blog (because blog really listens and does not judge), tune in to the most mellow coldplay songs, and weep.

honestly im so done with people telling me that "there will be some other opportunities available for you out there" or "god has a different plan for you". all i need is an acknowledgement that my current situation sucks. there is simply no need to add positive message at the end to make me 'feel better'. because it doesnt help. and it merely showed how ignorant you are to my feelings.

okay so as per now i have 3 conditional offers from UK: manchester, edinburgh, and UCL. 1 deferral from princeton. zero news from imperial. rejection letter from cambridge.

errrrgh i dont know how to feel about this rejection letter. ive gone through the interview, the assessment test, and it makes sense to get some sort of reward for sucking all up right. but the world is not a wish-granting factory, my friend.

i would probably render this university issue stupid in the near future, but it only makes plenty of sense to dwell in my sorrow today. writing helps to clear my head and figure out my next move.

it seems that i will have to start put my mind into UCL afterall, browse more about their culture, accommodations, exam style, etc. i should be excited about moving to london right? i mean, ive idolized one direction for almost 3 years -- at least i could adopt a british accent once i got back home.

perhaps the lack of familiarity towards the college throws me off. right now i have zero idea of what UCL is (i applied only because of the ranking). moreover what REALLY caused me extreme anxiety is the students themselves. a friend of mine said that UCL (and imperial for that matter), are filled with rich kids who often splurge their money overseas. this stereotype does actually hold some truth since anyone who attend the college need to pay a hefty amount of tuition fee. something that my dad would have to fork out half-heartedly. i dont want to turn into some borju kid in london. im scared that i wont have any friend to hang out with. in addition to how much i dislike the education system. oh my goodness im going to have a hard time convincing myself to willingly go there afterall.

my scholarship journey also has another problematic issue. i just had a phone call with ruo ming, my chij senior who did get the changi scholarship last year. after listening to my plans and intended career path, she was not sure herself that changi is meant for me. im far from being flexible and open minded about working in changi for 10 years or so, switching 180 degree from returning to indonesia and do what i want most.

ive bought a ticket to singapore to attend the first round of the test, so i had no choice but to still sit in despite everything i learnt today from ruo ming.

i fucking hate unplanned life, but it is something that i need to get used to. I CANNOT PLAN AHEAD MY OWN LIFE. and when i lose control of something i deemed important in life, i feel so messed up and insecure. and its crippling.










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mari kita berbahasa indonesia

untuk blog gua kali ini.. kita pake BAHASA INDONESIAAAA yeeeeey (sorry international friends this post aint for yall to read). sengaja pake bahasa indonesia karena inggris gua udah masyaoloh tercampur bak rujak ga keruan karena keseringan ngomong indo dan baca koran indo.

keseharian gua liburan kali ini cukup simpel, bangun pagi sarapan, bantu ngepel-ngepel, kadang masak, kadang suruh gosok lantai garasi. trus tuh siangan gitu gua bakal ngegym di fitness first TA sama tetangga gua axiom atau nyokap gua. eh udah sore trus waktunya baca-baca novel dan nonton tv. hidup, sangatlah simpel.

gua udah kebiasaan sama rutinitas gua yang super produktif versi indonesia sampe udah ga mempertanyakan apa yang gua pengen buat taun 2017 ini.

yang satu, kayaknya gua harus banyak berusaha mengembangkan ilmu gua deh. mungkin ntar ambil online course, harus bisa coding atau belajar bahasa jerman. biasanya sih pengen2 doang tapi ga pernah sampe tuntas. ntah kenapa di indo ga ada tekanan buat perform.dua minggu lagi gua bakal terbang ke singapur (lagi) buat interview scholarship changi. mulai agak panik sekarang.

nah gua mau curhat soal proses diet gua yang tak kunjung menunjukkan hasil yang memuaskan. proses diet itu (kata orang di yutub) sangatlah panjang dan melelahkan. KARENAAAA makan harus diatur, olahraga harus rutin walaupun lu bosen setengah mati. yes. gua sudah mulai bosen.

kenapa ya bosen. mungkin karena tiap hari perginya sama nyokap sampe ga ada bahan pembicaraan, mungkin karena gua latian sendiri sementara dia bakal ikut class, gua juga ga tau. lifting weights katanya bagus buat toning badan, tapi yaelah bosen bro setelah 4 hari. gua sih ikutin si fitness blender punya channel ya, gua ikutin aja si kelly ngapain. hebat banget gitu ya dia bisa rutin olahraga sampe fit. gua super inspired sama before after video dia. kayaknya dia tuh humble banget, dan kerasa kalo sebenernya wajar2 aja kalo semua orang punya masalah body image.

sebenernya seminggu yang lalu gua sempet depresi diem2 karena nyokap gua suka ngebatasin makanan gua. sampe gua takut tau ga si makan. soalnya dia suka bilang
- "nasinya ga usah dimakan"
- "gila kamu makan pagi udah banyak ngapain makan lagi"
- "udah setengah porsi aja"

dari perspektif gua sebagai anak ya, gua juga ga seneng sebenernya kalo makan diomelin. gila gua pengen kue lapis sepotong aja dimarahin coba, gimana ga depresi. kalo makan makanan dari kulkas, gua harus tunggu dia 1). pergi dari rumah atau 2.) mandi di lantai atas. SUMPAH GUA TAKUT BANGET dan rasanya ada perasaan BERSALAH setiap kali makanan itu masuk ke mulut gua. hidup kayak gitu bener2 ga enak guys.

padahal dari sudut pandang gua, makanan gua tuh ga overly banyak gitu loh. gua ngga makan sampe kenyang (GA PERNAH GUA NGRASA KENYANG. cuma 'gak laper lagi'). trus yang bingungin nya, dia suka kadang2 nyuruh2 gua makan yang ga sehat gitu. malem2 ditawarin snack lah kadang2, minuman manis disodor2 in lah. mana gua ga bingung? kalo gua tolak yang begituan berarti harusnya bisa makan 'snack' ala gue dong? gua udah korbanin tau ga makan coklat cuma sekali seminggu. trus kue lapis surabaya gua makan sepotong sehari. tapi parahnya masih diomelin tiap kali dia liat gua makan itu lapis surabaya. gua legit super bingung.

suatu saat gua ga tahan lagi dan end up nangis tanpa sepengtahuan dia. pas gua ke mall gitu ceritanya, siang2 jam dua, gua belom makan dan emang mau pergi gym. gua udah agak laper, tapi nyokap belum laper. daripada gua bilang gua laper ntar diomelin mending gua diem. bayangin guys, gua saking takutnya. sampe. ga berani bilang. kalo gua. laper.

trus barang nyokap tanya gua mau makan apa, gua jadi ketakutan. tanpa alasan! dia bilang "di cp mau makan apa?" trus tiap kali gua di depan restoran nya, gua jadi takut sendiri dan end up bilang "gak jadi deh".

alhasil gua tahan sampe sore deh si kelaparan itu. jujur gua takut banget ga beralasan. rasanya tuh kayak diterjang ombak kegelisahan yang super bikin stres dan paranoid gak jelas. untung besoknya gua biasa aja. shania bilang gua harus belajar masuk kiri keluar kanan. ya udah deh. gua ga pernah berani ngomong kalo gua punya masalah ini, kesannya kekanak2 an ya bisa takut sama makanan tapi pada saat yang bersamaan makan kalo ga ada orang yang ngliatin. kalo gua bisa menilai diri gua sendiri dari luar badan dan psikologis gua, gua bakal cuma geleng2 kepala dan bilang: bego.

tapi inilah kenyataan.

anyway cape ah gua. udah dulu ya.












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2nd january.

it's the third day that four of my distant cousins stayed over in my house. and i barely had a second to just be with myself yknow. im stuck with them for like every second of the day except when i slept (we even shared room so the only effective time i had for myself was when i doze off. it's horrible.) i couldn't read my books, watch my own movies, cook my own meals (because we always eat out to accommodate 6 people in the house). it's been really unsettling for the introvert me.

even if i went to the gym, i still had to listen to the music played in the gym (be it house music, rap, what shit not). my goodness, id like to listen to myself playing the guitar or just the classical music -- it would help to cool my frustration down.

as im writing my blog rn, the 2 of them are playing ipad NON-STOP. added with the endless giggling, my ears are officially tired. im even more concerned with my mom who had been tirelessly driving everywhere and coping with every kids in the family. she's the real hero man.

anyway, i read something that quite was quite bothering from Indonesia Etc. I thought of writing my thoughts down before i totally forgot about them:

1. the indonesia ive 'considered/recognized' so far is just jakarta, and nothing else. the outskirts of indonesia is at the other end of the spectrum, unbeknownst to many people who have lived quite comfortably in the giant bubble called city life. they still practiced their adat. Their adat has never made quite any sense, but be sure that one day, i need to deal with them if i were to implement anything in the outskirts of indonesia.

2. corruption is inevitable. apparently people living in the outer islands mostly desired to don the beige uniform with glistening badges pinned on it. working in a civil service is a dream job for many, and they are willing to do everything that it takes to be one. it is indeed costly to become one, often one has to borrow money to finance the campaigning and oc 'money politics'. hence once theyre in power, they had no choice but to corrupt as the basic salary of 500 usd per month is insufficient to return the money they had borrowed earlier. so a mental note to myself one day, there is a need to reform the method of campaigning. now i see why ahok is doing the fund raising thing today. mental reformation is needed.

on the side note, my cousins are bloody annoying. they're jumping all over my room when my mother is trying to sleep. i confirm dont want to have my own child. i cant even tolerate them omg theyre so restless. im watching an R rated movie in my laptop now and i cant even watch it without pausing it every 3 seconds because the smallest one would come to me and ask "when are you going to sleep". at this rate im going to finish my 3 hour movie in 5 hours time.









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wah 2016 ended already.

it feels as if i just did my 2015 reflection 4 months ago or something. a lot has changed since then, the people whom i care about also change. im not in the mood to write a very lengthy post, but since ive promised myself a year ago that i would do this every year, i suppose it is a must to at least add another post before this year ended.

2016 passed by very very SLOWLY. and to sum up in 1 word, it is filled with a lot of MUGGINGs. im not even kidding, it is a torturous year.

the year began with an immense stress resulted from H3 lesson in NUS. i enjoyed every second of it of course as seen from my h3 post earlier this year, but vjc in turn became a hell hole in which i abhored with all of my heart. it began to dawn on me that vjc teachers were just less caring and personal. mrs chan was just a total failure since j1, ms lee was as robotic as ever, ...

anyway my point is simple: people live to save themselves. me included. i didn't give much shit to my classmates who were struggling with their studies since i had to save my own ass. i became a much quieter version of meidy -- a big contrast from 2015 because i just had to save energy for MUGGING (told you that 2016 was just filled with mugging).

come CT1 i remember i screwed up so badly until i thought that my life is over.

oh another highlight from 2016 is that i took a history tuition with mel (melissa teh). i was so desperate to save my ass in history, so i asked haili to join me so that we could get a cheaper price (both of us were desperate to improve our grades). heaven sent down the tuition offer through a whatsapp broadcast which i received from my class group (strangely). i didnt think twice to beg my mom to agree and provide me with extra money (because MOE money is insufficient).

mel is just .... a genius. she topped history FOR EVERY SINGLE EXAM SINCE J1 i mean what kind of sorcery is that. she taught us how to break down the material, which dates to remember which movements we need to memorize and what are the significance. the way she broke down an overarching question was amazing. she just knew the materials very well and could come up with unthinkable lines of argument. i was so inspired to spend as much time as she did in history. and i really did. i spent disproportionate amount of time in history until i neglected other stuffs. i started to understand the materials and actually took real interest in it, especially the Southeast Asian history. learned so much why some countries are more successful in others in terms of economic progress, national unity, or political structure; why colonial suppression has different outcomes in different countries; and how much indonesian history has been half distorted in my own country (we barely discuss history beyond declaration of independence).

jc history was the only subject that i looked forward to every day. things would be different before exams tho. i would be so stressed out and often regretted my decision to take that content-heavy subject until i wanted to pull my hair out... but in the end regardless of the stress, i ended up scoring higher than i thought i would. i hate boasting but since im talking to a non-existent reader, its fine to let out my inner ego. i was first in cohort for my history CT2 exam! It was beyond my expectation and i was so so so so so so proud of myself to see that ive come so so so so far from the bottom 36 percentile to 100. it was the proudest moment in life to see the 3 digit in vcsd. hard earned, but worth it.

omg i was just talking about history for like 2 long paragraphs. lets move on.

enough about grades, i shall talk about my friends. i barely cared about my classmates (quite disgusted at my 2015 post now). drifted away from my 2 close friends in the class due to my own fault (and partially theirs).

i also grew damn super extremely close with my roommates (h2-06-06 YEAAAAH). i still walked to school with shania every morning (something which really helped me to handle my frustration with the class). the four of us drank booze 4 times (i went drunk on sasa's birthday IM GONNA REMEMBER THIS FOREVER. YEAR 2016 IS THE YEAR IM FINALLY DRUNK *confetti*) it was damn fuuuuunny i got my legs half-stuck in my desk and i looked like im getting a blow job from the chair so its DAMN FUNNY *cough*. anyway.

aiyo what else ah 2016 wasn't so great thats why i dont do best 9 in instagram.

oh we went for a family trip on a cruise! to phuket langkawi and penang with my bro sis mom mom and dad. i LOVEEEEE TRAVELLING. since none of the rest of the aunties (my mom's friends) were interested in exploring langkawi, my mom and i set to conquer langkawi islands in 8 hours. we went to this super dodgy dilapidated tourism service and rent a speed boat for 35 ringgit (DAMN CHEAP) to visit 3 islands. we were picked up by a very old van (which had a hole which allows the water puddle on the street to enter INTO THE CAR) short story ITS SO DODGY. im too scared that i were abt to be abducted so i was so quiet all the way. we reached this super ulu kampung place by the beach to get into the speed boat with a bunch of other people (thank goodness i have another female company and a friendly indian tourist whom we met in the same dodgy tourism centre).

BUUUUT the island hopping experience was super priceless.

oh shit since 2016 is ending soon in 10 minutes time i need to post this now before the year changes. in short, 2016 is boring, i hope 2017 will be more exciting. given that im starting off a new life, im pretty sure it will.












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singapore education from a perspective of an indonesian.

dear non existent readers,

do you know i should have abandoned school uniform 2 years ago? yea, singapore education made me wear school uniform for another 2 years when my other indo friends have started enjoying 2 years of their university life. im a late bloomer. all that being said, i just finished the gruelling A levels and now i am free from the singapore education contract i signed 4 years ago in that hotel room. not that im happy, but im definitely proud to see how much i have become these last 4 years.

i guess it's time to have a dedication post for my singapore education journey. 4 years seem short in indonesia because nothing much would happen. in singapore it is entirely different. it's filled with both good and not so good memories, stretching me into a more mature, intellectual, and inquisitive Meidy.

i've grown to care more about my surroundings. in singapore i learn how to deal with different types of people -- those that i have never interacted with before in my life. in jakarta i was living in a pretty much protected environment, so i was not particularly aware of these different types of people with different culture and mindsets. the exposure to friends from across the asia, and even across different towns in indonesia, has opened my eyes to different story lines that were to converge into 1 through this 4 years. singapore education is a magical place to bring people together. i suppose any experience of studying abroad is indeed priceless.

it offers you the freedom to choose whatever you want to do, and such liberty would be something that i greatly miss in the next 8 months of holiday. i can go wherever i want without needing adults to accompany me or to tell me that i should not do this or do that. i manage my own spending, so i can splurge on things that i like without feeling guilty (or embarrassed). i have never been very confident about trying out clothes in front of my mother because she would comment that 'im too fat for that' which would bring my self-esteem down. i rarely bought clothes for myself, but id like to splurge on food and books. controlling your own spending (you know singapore government pay us 2500 sgd per year to study? hmm lol) to contribute to the growth of economy is so fun and liberating.

i can go out with guys without needing my parents consent. lol. ive been to cinemas with guys like 5 times HAHAHA (and im very proud of it). if i were to stay in indonesia they would have to pick me up with their own car, or my mom would have to drive me to the mall. and i would feel damn guilty coz it's not socially acceptable y'know. like what the heck youre not even officially together and yall go out like that LMAO. night walk around the CBD area or suntec is super romantic, or along the clark quay lol i just feel like an adult every time i did that with someone :)

i learn a lot of things about human relationship. ive set my mind to be the kind of person who is straightforward (like anna akana oh geez she's my youtube idol). im done with mind game man. it's too downright tiring. last month i did something thoughtless (....). i confessed to my best friend just before As despite knowing that he won't consider me more than friends :s i didn't regret though. i think he just deserved to know that i liked him so the result is not really what i was looking for. so yea he answered no. at least i got guts to take in charge of what i want in life, so thumbs up for that meidy :)

i discover more about myself too. i learn that i only like to talk to certain type of people. i like it when people ask me the 'right' questions (figure out yourself whats the right question). after awhile i stop feigning my interest in the things that don't interest me. im more comfortable being surrounded by extrovert person (but not people). i like small group interaction, sometimes one-on-one when im very comfortable with the person.

i gained 10 kg after i came to singapore HAHAHA because i miss indo food a lot so i snacked a lot (last time). now i have stopped snacking THAT MUCH so the 10 kg is still stuck, but im gonna lose it again man. watch me.

singapore makes me exercise. i enjoy jogging, swimming (at this point swimming is my favourite sport). i enjoy travelling also. i like going museums, because they are all free for students! or very cheap la. singapore scenery is very pretty, unlike jakarta.

to be honest, i have integrated myself far much more than i thought i would. i'm the third culture kid. not even sure if i still fit in indonesia anymore for the next 8 months. it will be damn tough, then i would continue my studies somewhere else (hopefully the states). feeling so displaced i guess is normal, but it's compounded by my 'problem' of not being able to engage in small talks.

well, 7 more days to returning for good. i dont know how to feel about it tbh. bye for now.












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superiority complex.

i swear i feel very very weird today. as if im not being my usual self. i think it has something to do with my friend telling me that i have superiority complex. it sorts of gets into my mood and behaviour, making myself conscious of everything that i have done in the past. and as i reflect more and more about my life, i withdrew myself from the crowd, isolating myself -- again.

a few days ago i took the meyers brigg- carl jung personality test in 16personalities.com, and it showed me that i have an INTJ personality. it's written that the world's population only have 0.8% women with this personality -- which makes it difficult for people like me to really connect or mingle with people. the test reinforced my preconceived notion that i am just weird and think more differently from others. it's normal for people to not understand me, mistook my intention, and find that sometimes i am too 'cool' or 'unapproachable'.

this should be something that i really need to fix, but instead due to my (so called) superiority complex, i actually see them as my strengths and even prefer to keep them instead. i do not like to please people, so i just went on my own way, doing the things that i think is correct, etc. if i am not comfortable with people, i would just shut down and not talk. i don't care if people think im anti-social, awkward, cynical. Maybe I am, but i just don't give a shit. or perhaps i do?

Superiority complex calls for an aloof attitude towards one's own weaknesses because one just wants to conceal them. it's a psychological disorder where the person is in conflict with his or her own weaknesses and try to dismiss it outwardly, but in truth, deeply insecure inside. i swear i think i might have one.

my roommates have agreed that i am the most socially secure human being in the room. my classmate think i have a strong personality. my cca friends think i am confident. perhaps it is just a facade.

i really have no idea how to differentiate a person who suffers superiority complex and someone who is just... confident. i partly blame my emotional development to my dad and my arch enemy from secondary school. both of them made me so insecure about my life, until i am so tired and disgusted with myself, hence i have been consciously trying to reinvent myself after the 2 incidents. yes, i think i'll blame them for all these.

right now i just want to stay away from people. i didn't feel like talking to even my closest of closest friends anymore. I THINK THIS IS PMS. yes this should be pms oh god why every month i have to be emotional for different reasons. can i just be emotionally stable and stop having mood swings.















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we all have social insecurities.

hi there, it's been 6 months + after the last post. jc2 has been really busy with exams, one after the other, hence i couldn't really spare much time for writing anything substantial aside from probably using my spam for a short paragraph on things worth telling.

today marks the end of my non-stop 2 months of mugging for prelims. things didn't go so well as i thought. screwed up my physics paper 2 (it was fucking easy and i was too tired so i got so many unnecessary careless mistakes), math paper 2 (blame the draining chem paper the day before), and the whole chem paper (vj chem is notoriously hard). i wasn't too pleased with myself, but if i were to change anything for the last 2 months, i wouldn't do it in any other way (i would still slack and have fun with my roommates, although i could have used that time to mug or something. they're too precious). anyway, im glad it's over.

now i want to talk about the social insecurities i have (for far too long).

basically, i can't even tell who i am anymore. what my personality really is. i feel like i am never the same person around different people. and im really anxious about how people perceive me.

let's start with how i would behave in front of my number one girls, my roommates. i live in a four-bedded room, with shania, ester, and sasa. i think they are the people i can be fully 'myself' most comfortably with (although this is debatable because i don't even know if that 'self'' is my real self). no one would believe how shameless i am in this room. i would talk to toys. i would fantasize weird things like how my bear is giving birth to an mini size bear (which is drawn on an egg) through her belly button. i would fart loudly. i can tell them about all the things i see, watch, read, without ever being judged AND, (most importantly) getting feedback and more insightful comments from them. they know my weird family history. they know my arch-enemies. they know my best buds, and their weird fetishes. they know my problems. they know everything. they know me better than anyone in this world so far. im really sad to see that i have to leave them all in 2 months time. they make me happy when we are all stressed out for exams. no matter what, we would still have things to talk about, although we see each other for 24/7. for once, i felt like i really have really amazing and meaningful friendships with people.

next, let's discuss about how i behave in the classroom. my classmates think im super serious and hardworking mugger. i don't talk much. im a bit scary because i (seem) to not care about how people think about me (sometimes i eat alone and appear not to give shit). it's damn difficult to talk to me coz i seem to be disinterested in whatever they're talking about (it's true. i am disinterested). i can never be myself around them. i build a wall, it's a giant one. i don't like hiding behind the wall, but i cant even bring them down myself.

whenever im around jinjing or tianke, im gonna be another different person. im quiet, but sometimes talkative. i try to be cheerful and crack jokes, or gossips. but these less meaningful conversations will die away in 10 seconds. i cannot be crazy. i constantly feel that im trapped in this semi-myself mode. i can talk to them about my problems, or philosophical stuffs, but once it's exam time, we all couldn't help each other to stay sane. i would end up being depressed, surrounded by depressed people who cannot dig themselves out of their deep shit. and im influenced too. i usually distant myself away from them during darker period, as i just want to stay motivated. this sounds like im a horrible friend who's only around whenever people are happy, but i have tried to stay, really. it just doesn't work that way. but i still think they're good friends of mine, but maybe not someone whom i would like to spend everyday with.

whenever im around my cca friends, things are slightly better than class. i can be fully chatty and boss around (like i can just order aaron to do whatever i want HAHAHA). things are fun, people are more open to each other, and conversations have never turned into some darkish mood because we leave our school problems aside once we play music. it's heartening to have friends who would open up about their fun sides. and ill be fun with them too. people like haili, or jon and reuben. i would always treasure them with all my heart.

you see, i switch personalities very easily. actually, to be honest im just very different person in the class (although i used to not be like this), but i just wish to connect with people like my roommates and cca friends more frequently in life. who knows whats going to happen in uni man. but, i just hope that i'll find more sets of friends who can go as deep as my roommates in our friendship.

this blog post is shitty as fuck. lost all my flair for writing already.















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