Gender Identity and Platonic Friendship

Dear Blog. Just a few days ago, I had a hard time shutting down my brain and closing my eyes for nearly 3 consecutive hours. Perks of long holidays: you won't need to worry about school in the morning. Yay! So I let my mind wandered that midnight. Feelings come and go and vanish into thin air. I was fine the next morning.

BUT, a conversation with a friend last night left me thinking one more time, compelling myself to pull another all-nighter to investigate things. In this case relationships.

As most of you should have fairly recognized by now, I tend to hang out more with those of my opposite gender than those of my own. (Two years ago I know nothing about boys and voila I escaped from the 'green jail' <Sanur> and entered a kingdom of freedom! Hurray to life!)

My Indo ex-school mates always raised the same questions over and over again: got boyfriend huh? accompanied by the same sneaky smirk and a little nudge to my elbow every time I had some reunions. And they will always get the same reaction: no leh. Jomblo hahaha. (poor me)

Anyway, it turns out that they have been stalking me quite thoroughly through my instagram account (without liking most of them, that's why I didn't know that they were actually active stalking users), scrolling almost all my recent pictures, making a controversy out of some pics which feature me with some guys. (They even thought Benji was my bf since I ran 11 km with him and posted it in insta XDD brb rotfl)

They all act surprised, the idea of entering college scares most of them because they have been way too comfortable with single-sex school that they giving up interacting with boys altogether. I would say that it's the other way around. Sanur taught me not to put on an act when I interact with anyone, be it amongst the girls or not (shameless), yet it helped me to just be who I am, and not acting all lady-like to impress some shits.

But I truly wonder why it doesn't apply to everyone when the majority of my cohort mates are experiencing the same thing on a daily basis. So I decided to go online and search for an answers. I once believed that it has something to do with my past, thus I let anonymous people to offer me some logical explanations after a bit of my background.

Firstly, one argues that I feel more comfortable with guys because they are just less judgmental (hmm.. I would like to think like that as well). I don't get to compete with guys in terms of looks, grades, attentions, or opportunities (since we go to different schools here), and men do not compete with me. We co-exist, and we do it just fine (If my hypothesis is correct, all this will change as I enter a co-ed junior college). I feel less threatened, as compared to my girl friends who practically share the same hostel corridor and classroom 24/7. Perhaps, I subconsciously wanted to be like some of them in some ways, and that makes me subconsciously jealous, and thus repelled myself (again subconsciously). Traits associated with girls like gossiping can also be a major reason why I don't usually share the other side of my story (unless I've come to trust you whole-heartedly). Although girls are probably more sensitive than guys, I'm the type of a person who welcome a straight-forward / to-the-point inputs; and feelings often comes secondary. So, to spare me the complexities of a woman and my own frustration, I choose to flock to men. It's a safer bet and it boost my self-esteem; saving me from the pain of rejection.

Then I wonder if my friendship with people I am closed with shall stay platonic forever. A friend of mine believes that a relationship between two supposedly attracted individuals cannot remain as platonic. Sooner or later, one of them will feel 'more' than just friends, and there is where things get complicated. As much as I wanted to deny this, I feel that it makes more sense from day to day. It's so difficult to define the boundaries of friendships that I wish that I was born as a male instead to make things less sophisticated.

To clear things up, I have never purposely choose to befriend with a specific gender. Not that I remember.

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One More Week to JC Life.

Hi blog. Receiving my O Levels results yesterday. Mixed feelings happened. Extremely grateful to a very large extent (never thought I would kick ass in my two most problematic subjects, Literature and English), with a minor disappointment for some eyesores to my supposedly pristine (haha) cert. Well, then there you go, *cue background song*  You can't always get what you waaaaaannnt. You can'always get what you waaaaaaaant. But if you try sometimeeeeees you just might findddd. You get what you neeeed.

Geez that song immediately struck me and I was like, wow thanks for the awful reminder.
Hate it. No. That won't do. Never a second will I believe it. That's practically the worst advice one can ever give. Ever. If somebody ever try to console me with such crap I would probably banish him or her into my remote island of strangers (that's how Xinran probably put it).

No, I'm not implying that sbd just got banished. I'm fine. Totally fine now. Not to worry. It's just that somehow it is a very appropriate time for me to post something related to psychology after receiving the results.

Oh yes hi I read psychology stuffs now ha ha ha (God, it was only 2 years ago that I spent my free time doing nothing but fantasizing about One Direction and look at me now, reading university textbook ^_^")

You see, recently I read something about this interesting theory called cognitive dissonance. I was instantly hooked because I was totally blind to this somewhat abstract idea which I (beyond question) encounter almost every day as a perfectionist.

Cognitive dissonance is simply a state whereby your beliefs and reality contradict one another, creating this feeling of discomfort; and thus you will try your best to reduce it. (This is where it gets interesting).

If my one line explanation seems insufficient, you can always look it out in Wikipedia page or other psychology websites in the Internet. Be my guess. Leave this page and open the search engine. This post won't go anywhere anyway. Proceeding with insubstantial understanding may lead to confusion and misinterpretation.

Humans are extremely fragile. Everyone has this self-defense mechanism to downplay any possible threat to what they uphold in life. That is the sole reason why reducing cognitive dissonance is supremely vital to protect (my) self worth.

Basically I've been telling myself that (firstly) comparison is a thief for happiness. Yesterday I was like a TOTAL WALKING CONTRADICTION. I've always believed that comparison is necessary to drive one forward and aspire to be better. Although sometimes I told myself and others (gosh realizing that I was an unintentional hypocrite) that one should set their own goals and stick with it, subconsciously I recognize that all of our expectations are actually relatively interlinked with others' expectations. Like, you know, diatas langit selalu ada langit idiom. After crossing my own finish line, I would rejoice and party and woohoo! but soon found out there are more prestigious races to participate in. Yes, it's like a rat race. (now the idiom feels literally apt).

So conclusion: I'm not a hypocrite. I have always believed the latter, but admitting the former to reduce my cognitive dissonance. (BAM. First attempt busted.)

Okay. In order to proceed a little bit deeper, I need to tell you more about my results. Implicitly, I did good for certain subject. The problem is, it's not extremely good (told you beforehand I'm a perfectionist). Frankly I was actually planning to pursue this particular subject further as my future career (now you would prob can guess what right ^_^" if youre still clueless then ha-ha-ha-bye you know practically nothing about me). Truth to be told, this heaven-sent mockery inside my head me said: "BUT YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. SURE WANT TO DO THIS MEH."
*Ba-dum-tsk*

Then I decided to share it with my friend. And she wrote this:

If you wanna be a (insert job here) , be a goddamn (insert job here) because from what i see of  your previous scores, something in it (Os) is really screwed up.
It could have been exhaustion, poor marking, or other shitty accidents. All these will change. And the only thing that will stay the same is your desire to do well in what you like to do, and if it is (insert job here), then nothing should be standing in your way.

Hahaha I love using brackets to mess up with you today.

My belief: If I were good enough I should be able to get the extremely good score.
But no I didn't. I know it is a one-time evaluation type of examination, which is relatively unfair to a more traditional exam system whereby average marks are taken over the years; therefore forming a better representation of the student's skill. But me, being as stubborn as I am, want a thorough and comprehensive understanding of a subject I particularly fond off. So read again the first line of this paragraph.

But no, as a form of reducing my cognitive dissonance I choose to listen to my dearest friend. I'm pursuing it in JC and most likely later in uni. Second attempt busted.

There are many other busted cases, approach from different angles just from this one (seemingly unimportant in a decade I bet) life event. Quite a large part of my confidence was destroyed last night, leaving me awake until 2 am and sleep deprived with obvious mood swings up until now.

Anyway. School is starting in 3 weeks time. My life as a Victorian is just about to begin! Congratulations to everyone, and if you are not following my line of thoughts just now, don't worry. Cognitive dissonance or any of this blog's content is not going to be tested in A levels. Cheers.

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Europe Trip 2014 INSPIRES ME.

Dear blog, jadi gua ngeblog dari Berlin, Jerman. Ini day 21 dan berarti bentar lagi gua pulang Indo. Ngetik pake keyboard laptop Jerman super ngga enak karena lettersnya ada yang tuker posisi (termasuk shift button) jadi gua setengah mati ngetiknya. Huzzah.

From those 21 days so far, I've learned things so many things which I could not have gained merely by gleaning over some textbooks i browse in any library. It's such an unforgettable experience, such that I always feel a nagging feeling to write a blog post; simply to record down the learning points, and not to publicly boast around for the world to see. If you happen to read this post, then lucky you, Stalker.

1# Okay, so there was this night when we had to travel by night train to Venice from Rome. As you might already know, Rome is NOT a very safe place for tourists to travel around. It is very notorious for the scams and pickpockets; I read it all over the Internet. So as a precaution, I generally walk behind or on the right side of my mom. This is necessary as I have to watch over her pocket located on her waist. Often I look over my shoulder to ensure that no one is following when we were walking alone in a dark alley. It's like a 24 hr nightmare. I'm a defensive pessimist, and it's our thing to picture the worst scenarios in life. Stressful, yes, but it's for the best.

Jadi malem itu, kita (nyokap dan gua) berdua naik kereta malem ke Venice. Since kita mau ngirit, kita pulang hari aja ke Venice, berangkat malem nyampe pagi, trus malemnya cao lagi ke tempat lain (Salzburg). Pas gua naik ke keretanya, gua sadar, 'wah bentuknya cabin so musti share berenam sama strangers'. Ati gua udah was2 aja noh, gua bilang dalem ati 'semoga ada cewe lagi'

Eh masuk tuh satu orang ke cabin gua. Cowo.

Mampus lah gua udah stres mikirin yang ngga ngga. Gua pasrah. Semoga sisanya cewe.

Eh ngga juga, cowo negro. (Agak rasis sih, tapi serem kan woi). DUA LAGI. Kan kursinya kayak 3-3 adep-adepan gitu kan, trus gua duduk sebrang nyokap. Nah, gua duduk diimpit bapak negro sama cowo Yunani. Confirm gua ga bisa tidur.

Gua peluk tas gua erat2 selama tidur. Karena takut dicolong, gua maksa melek sampe akhirnya gak tahan lagi dan ketiduran. Tapi kalo gua sadar ketiduran, skali-skali gua ngintip ngliat kalo tas gua masih aman. Sumpah gua takut dipalakin atau worst case scenario...kena rape.

SUMPAH itu malam paling menyetreskan selama idup gua. Udah gua tidurnya gak nyenyak, gua musti bangun jam 5 pagi coz keretanya nyampe jam segitu. Pusing ngantuk hebat gua diperparah sama hawa dingin ga ketolongan. Rasanya gua mau amputasi kaki gua gila.

Sialnya pagi2 buta gitu toko ga ada yang buka. Cafe juga ga buka jadi kita ga bisa kemana2 buat ngangetin badan. Wifi juga ga ada. Tiap menit rasanya lamaaaaaa banget, soalnya kita nungguin si luggage deposit deket situ buka jam 8. TIGA JAM penuh kesengsaraan. Unforgettable.

Gara-gara ini gua sadar kalo emang feeling safe itu salah satu human rights yang paling mendasar yang selama ini gua take for granted. Mungkin karena udah kebiasaan naik MRT di Singapur yang pasti amannya, atau KAI yang walaupun jorok tapi tetep lumayan aman. Gua ga pernah seumur-umur musti tidur dikelilingi orang-orang asing, apalagi beda gender. Mungkin karena kebanyakan nonton film-film yang ngga ngga gua jadi mikir bakal diperkosa. Haiz.

Sumpah gua masih inget banget rasanya tidur enak dan damai besok harinya di Salzburg. Kita emang naik kereta malem lagi, tapi kali ini beda jenis dan kita ga harus duduk sekabin sama orang asing lagi. Pas gua nyampe tempat nginepnya juga super comfy, dan saat itu gua bener2 ngrasain rasa syukur karena udah selamet dari skenario gua yang ngga-ngga. Fiuh.

2# Pada holiday gua kali ini gua menyadari kecintaan gua terhadap history dan art secara kesuluruhan. Walapun kadang-kadang gua emang keliling ngliat panorama bagus-bagus dan gedung yang megah-megah, gua selalu prefer pergi ke museum-museum or tempat2 bersejarah. Kalo mereka punya free guided tour gua selalu ikutin, kalo ngga biasanya gua sewa audio guide nya. Kayak kemaren gua pergi ke Van Gogh Museum. Sebelumnya gua ga ada interest sama skali sama painting. Yang gua tau Pak Anton pernah pake Van Gogh buat pelajaran seni rupa Sanur jaman gua SMP. Udah segitu aja pengetahuan gua tentang Van Gogh.

Eh pas gua masuk dan tau lebih banyak tentang Van Gogh, gua jatuh cinta sama lukisannya. Pas pertama kali liat, gua cuma 'nyeh anak kecil juga bisa kali.' Tapi ternyata after further inspection, lukisan dia emang ada gayanya sendiri, and super bagus. Gua paling suka The Potato Eaters sama lukisan yang ada garden with 3 couplesnya. Kalo lukisan yang ada couplenya itu bisa beda banget kalo diliat dari deket sama jauh. Warnanya bisa surprisingly ga ngeblend kalo diliat dari jauh, bisa ketauan batas antara pohon sama langit. Tapi kalo dari deket bener2 ngeblend. Sumpah keren gua ga bisa jelasinnya, musti liat sendiri.

Makna-makna lukisannya juga macem2. Yang wheat land and reaper tuh bisa symbolize manusia gitu. Gandum-gandumnya represent manusia yang di 'collect' dari kehidupan, dan suprisingly kejadiannya itu ditengah´tengah hari bolong. Ahhhhh keren banget, sayang gua ga bisa fangirl sama siapa pun.

Ga cuma museum sih. Icon2 landmark tiap negara kebanyakan gua searching lagi historynya di wikipedia buat nambah2 pengetahuan sendiri. Kayak gereja Vatican, Piazza Navona, Kappelbrucker, dll. Mereka ga nyediain pamflet dan gua ngerasa pointless banget kalo gua pergi ke tempat2 terkenal tanpa bener2 tau significance nya apa. Jadi biasanya gua baca wikipedianya malem2, trus summarize point2 pentingnya di instagram. Itung2 perbanyak writing English hahaha. Latian pas liburan kan ga ada salahnya. Bukan gua banget kalo kasih caption2 cheesy. Mending kasih caption yang bermanfaat bagi gua dan semua toh hahaha. Gua emang publish gituan for the sake of diary entry sih, biar kapan2 gua nge scroll gua masih bisa inget detil2 yang gua pelajarin dari suatu historical site. Kalo misalnya gua punya akses ke blog tiap malem sih mending gua taroh di blog ya. Since ngga punya so instagram jadi korban lor.

Besok gua bakal pergi ke Reichtag Building (SO EXCITED). Considering to take history in JC sumpah.

3# Gua juga menyadari pentingnya belajar bahasa asing. Ada suatu saat gua lagi di bookstore dan ngliat majalah super interesting pake bahasa Jerman. Kata nyokap, artinya kira2 'Scientists have discovered where God came from'. Something like that lah.

Gua excited banget pengen baca dan tau lebih banyak. Sialnya gua cari ga ada versi inggrisnya. Halah, kendala beginian yang bikin gua limited sama suatu ilmu atau experience. Gua juga jadi susah ngobrol sama anak2 nya temen nyokap gua yang tinggal disini. Kebanyakan ngomongnya Jerman, jadi komunikasi rada terhambat karena Inggrisnya mereka juga ga gitu confident.

Satu lagi, pas terdampar pagi2 buta di Venice, gua kenalan sama Chinese born American namanya Xin Yi (atau Valerie) gampangnya. Kita sama2 terdampar pagi2 buta gitu jadi malah end up ngobrol tentang kehidupan satu sama lain. Gua bener2 bersyukur Inggris gua lancar karena ngobrolnya jadi super enak dan ga terhalang. Coba kalo gua ga tinggal di SG, mungkin gua end up ga ngobrol sama skali sama dia. Nanya2 orang sekitaran juga lebih enak kalo nanya jalan.

All in all gua bersyukur karena bisa bahasa asing, and at the same time juga nyesel ga blajar bahasa lain. Emang bahasa itu penting, jadi ntar kalo gua punya anak, dia harus bisa at least 3 bahasa.

4# Disini gua sering mendapat panggilan hidup untuk memperbaiki Indonesia. Setelah ngliat betapa majunya negara2 asing ini, gua, instead of pengen kabur dari Indo dan jadi warga negara sini, malah jadi pengen balik Indo dan make ilmu gua berguna untuk memajukan negara gua. Ini sedikit surprising karena dari dulu ortu udah sering banget brainwash gua supaya tinggal di luar negri aja kalo udah gede, (itu salah satunya alesan kenapa mreka super supportive dengan kepergian gua ke SG walaupun masih SMP).

Entahlah, gua dari kecil udah sumpek sama Indo. Tapi semakin gua gede, gua ngrasa buat apa sih tujuan gua idup kalo cuma buat diri sendiri. Masa gua cuman nambah tua, tambah kaya, punya keturunan, trus...mati gitu aja.

Mungkin karena baru2 ini gua baru nyelesein buku 'Signature of All Things' by Elizabeth Gilbert, so far my favourite fiction. Banyak sekali2 point2 yang cukup menarik dalem buku ini yang di put forth sama karakter2 nya, salah satunya tentang tujuan hidup. Waktu itu si karakter utama, Alma, ditanyain:
'Emang kamu ga takut kalo kamu mati sebelum jadi terkenal?' (sumpah ini kedengeran aneh kalo gua terjemahin tapi rada males nge quote asli dari bukunya). Pokoknya ceritanya Alma ga publish buku dia gara2 sesuatu. Penemuan dia super genius tapi dia refuse untuk publish atas nama dia karena Darwin udah terlanjur publish teori yang sama duluan, teori evolusi survival for the fittest.

Trus kesimpulannya si Alma berpendapat kalo selama lu bisa menyumbangkan sedikit pikiran lu for a better world, at least lu ga akan pengen berasa terkenal lagi di dunia ini. Elu atau bukan itu ngga penting, karena yang really matter tuh apa yang lu tinggalin di dunia ini pas lu pergi buat generasi2 di bawah elu. Something like that lah. Urm I should have probably written this whole blog post in English coz my Indo really sounds awkward now. BUT IM TOO LAZY TO REWRITE SO.

Jadi mulailah gua berpikir untuk jadi Mentri Lingkungan Hidup kalo gua udah besar. Gua super2 inspired sama policy2 disini yang  menurut gua super genius (males jelasin satu2 policynya) untuk incite orang supaya mereka bisa go green. Pendapat nyokap pas gua ceritain: 'gila kamu gimana caranya jadi mentri kalo kamu chinese.'

Ahok aja bisa, kenapa gua ngga.

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Post Os.

Hi, Bloggie. It’s been awhile since I posted anything substantial. A year to be exact. I’m utterly disturbed by how time flies past really quickly. Today is my first day with zero worries. Well, not exactly zero, you can say 0.1 worries since we have 3 more MCQ Papers left, but that’s all. Really, nothing much.

The last few months were extremely grueling for any typical students taking O Levels. I’ve been pushing myself since my preparation for prelim 2, until yesterday. To put things into perspective, I’ve spent most of my time mugging, locking myself in my room (coz there were too many distractions downstairs), poring over an absurd amount of information, to ensure complete and thorough understanding in every subject (excluding Malay. I don’t give a shit about it until D-1). Fun fact: I brewed a cup of coffee daily for the last 2 weeks just to keep myself alert during the day, something that I’m not used to back in Indo. I barely drink one in a year.

Anyway, things are slowing down now. On the side note, I’ve been accepted to VJC through violin DSA on August (THANKS MRS. MASAKO), so I was supposed to not give a shit about my Os. I could have just yolo-ed every day, gone out, read my novels, watched movies, attended concerts, done the craziest things that any O Level candidate can possibly imagine.

But I didn’t.

Initially people gave me these weird looks as if I wasn’t thinking straight. I felt conflicted for weeks, wavering from putting my 100% or 70% for Os. On one hand I was tempted to do things that actually worth my time (like studying new language) than simply studying for Os. On the other hand, I didn’t want my 2 years of hard work goes to waste. So I chose the second option.

Anyway, it feels good that now I can really chill and do whatever I’ve always wanted to do: finishing my novels, watching movies, going out with friends, etc.

Oh, life has taken such an unprecedented turn earlier this year. I’ve failed to predict that the sec 4s (us) will just be bros and sis’s to each other. Couples emerge, here there everywhere (even across batches and nationalities). Some people grew apart, spending most of their time with their own partner than their batch mates; (much to my disappointment).

This year I learned some invaluable lessons about life from the people I met and the friendships I’ve forged along the way.

First, there are 2 circles of people around me: those who are just fun to be with, and those whom you can really talk to you about almost anything in your life. The majority of the people I met falls within the first circle. They are fun to hang out with, do crazy stuffs, and make you laugh when things are awry. They care about you; but they don’t really reveal their personal desires, ambitions, and worries with you. I perceive them to be rather boring. Sometimes, I even felt rather compelled to probe them with questions about school stuffs or life back in their respective home countries in general. We talk about movies, books, cute boys; but I guess the list ends there.

The second group of people is what really intrigued me most. They are really one-of-a-kind. Every individual is unique in their own way although they are still under the same umbrella. To me, friendship is all about opening oneself to another. One might only divulge certain truths, I really don’t mind that. But they share with you some of what they really think about life. About perceiving other people and how the world works. These people make me reflect and think. I wonder and ponder the abstractness of life purpose and human feelings. I wonder and ponder if I have deceived myself for so many things in life, just to make myself feel better. Much to my disappointment, I only met a few of such people, and if I do, things can go haywire and I may lose the person I actually really care about.

Secondly, the world is a cruel place to live in. Things are not always like what one wants to be, and even though I know this long time ago, sometimes I just need to reinforce it again and again to myself. One can wish, pray, meditate in a bid to get what you desire, but there is some other divine power, existing beyond my control that always has the upper hand and ‘direct my sail’ (as Romeo puts it). No matter how much effort you have put in to stay on your preferred road, somehow He will take you to that dark less traveled road which you chose least. Believe me, when the Power leads you to a different dimension in your life, all you need to do is to put faith in the things you have in hand and push on. Eventually, the eerie darkness will past, and you shall see the light at the end of it.

Thirdly, not everyone has a smooth-sailing life. Every single soul in this planet has their own problem You may not see it, but the people who smile the brightest actually have the worst problems one can ever imagine.

This post has become way too emo than intended. I’m too lazy to write any further, so I’ll just end it here. Anyway, cheers to the end of Os. 

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Random.

Hi blog. So the reason of writing this post is no other than boredom. Yes ironically i feel bored in this long-awaited holiday. This is my ONE and ONLY longest holiday in my life before the glorious O-Level comes into picture next year.

I have been waiting for this holiday since I had my end of year examination, and I have tried my best to bear every single school choir practice to finally have my holiday I deserve. And now I spend it half-heartedly.

I went to the mall with my mom just now, TA, to watch the new Disney production, Frozen, which was... quite disappointing. Well, my friends said that it was damn good, even better than my all-time favorite Disney movie yet, Tangled, however this movie didn't manage to deliver any wow factor to me. Maybe I raised my bar higher than I was supposed to. Especially, when you just watched a super awesome mind-boggling movie like Catching Fire. Ok im here not to give some movie reviews so I'd better get going.

On my way back to home, my mind was wandering and thinking, reflecting back my whole year in Singapore. No actually it started a bit earlier -- when I swam this morning. You know how lonely when you're swimming and my mind was just wandering around for the entire time in the pool. And surprisingly, I was thinking in English. 

People said that when you have felt comfortable with a language, you will think, dream, and even BREATH in English (exaggerated). Well initially I never thought I would reached that level but I think I started to.

Honestly I really miss speaking English to my friends back in the hostel and school. When you only have your parents who don't speak English fluently, 24 hours a day, you feel just awkward when you try to. So what can I do? .... I speak to myself in English in my mind. Nah, I sound crazy.

I'm out of my mind. So, (sigh) I decided to blog away. It's a more productive way of spending my free time and I hope it would be beneficial to my composition next year, ha..ha...ha (mugger mindset detected)

Anw, I do really miss my hostel friends. I never thought I would. Back in Singapore, they are like my second family. My dinners have always been so eventful and delightful to me with all the chattering and (cough) fangirling (cough).

We share our bottles of chilli ACROSS (again) ACROSS tableS (plural). And when everyone got a spoonful of it, you end up having your new chilli bottle half empty (hahahaha). The joy of sharing :p

Even though we meet every day, we never ran out of topics to talk about. Our conversations have always been cheerful and sometimes I did eat my dinner slowly or stay back to listen to my friends talking. Now my dinner is.. peaceful. Too peaceful.

Oh, I'm just going to be totally random so now I want to talk about my holiday so far. Well, I just got back from Australia 2 days ago. We went to Sydney and Melbourne, and the 16-day trip was UHMAZING. Mostly because of my cute little cousins who barely speak Indonesian and I got to bully them for the whole 2 weeks. I never thought I would want a little brother for myself until I met them. But it turns out that having little brothers can be cool (and challenging). You know what, when I was young I used to imagine myself slapping my little brother face, (in case I had one), just to make him cry. I loved to make baby suffers (ok now I sound creepy and heartless).

OH OH and the beforehand, the minute I got into the airplane from Singapore to Sydney, I was LITERALLY OVERWHELMED by the number of bule around me. They were literally everywhere and we were like the only Asians sitting in the same compartment. I was blown away. At that point of time, it was my first encounter to such a number of bule in the same time. My face was beaming with joy and I sat next to a handsome mid-20s guy (norak detected). All in all it was a pleasant flight with amazing dinner and desert.

I spent my first week in Sydney and my first destination was Maddame Tussaud (HAHAHA AS YOU CAN GUESS WHY). They had a One Direction Wax Tour and I went crazy because I thought the waxes were supposed to be in London at that time. I sat next to the artificial Liam who looked nothing like him up close. But it was the closest encounter I can be with this supermegafoxyawesome group band so I kept my mouth shut. They even had handprints of each member, so... that day was amazing. A day spent with waxes.

Ok, first of all, I must say (or rather complain): that EVERYTHING THERE WAS SO OVERPRICED. Living in Singapore itself I think was expensive enough, but it turns out that it was EVEN WAY MORE EXPENSIVE THERE. Food court was a pain in the ass to look out for. I barely found one in a kilo. And even though I had found one, the food was like 9 dollars a portion. Luckily they were big so I always shared with my mom. And they have Pie Face shop in every 500 m or even less. Things to take note: they sell FANTASTIC BACON CHEESE EGG MEATPIE which is VERY EXPENSIVE (5 dollars each) but DEFINITELY WORTH IT. (1 AUD = Rp 11000)

Umm... what else? Oh, the Sydney Opera House was just plain ordinary. Hahahaha I guess I'm not a fan of architecture, but honestly it was just...a group of huge sea shells in my eyes.

BUT THE BEACH WAS GREAT. There was this beach called Manly Beach which can be accessed by a ferry and it was the highlight of the city (personally). I watched people surf FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME and I think they were just plain awesome. The water was very cold and I saw a lot of people playing volleyball by the shore. Ah, if only East Coast Park had volley nets.

These few paragraphs don't really sum up everything about the trip, but you can always check on my Facebook album and you'll find the photos which depict the awesomeness a little bit better.

Now let's talk about my hostel friends. So nowadays everyone has been fretting about being jomblo during the holidays. I don't know what triggered this chain of jomblo feelings but they were spreading among us really quick. Yesterday was 11/12/13 and they were sorry for having no one to 'confess'  on that day hahaha. Geez. You know what, I doubt that any of us will get together by the end of Sec 4. We are as close as brothers and sisters and I don't think it will go any further than that. But who knows, after seeing my seniors these past few months, things might change in 2014.

Oh, and as I'm writing this post, I'm also eating martabak manis which was on the top of my food craving list. Now I feel accomplished.

By the way, I haven't touched my homework yet so I feel a bit guilty as I'm writing this post. I'm supposed to do a speech assignment in my laptop but apparently blogging seems less stressful, so.

I guess I'll end my post here. See you again some time later, blog. Thanks for being my listening ear.

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Hampa.

Okay I admit that this is not a good title for a new posting. Sejak posting Usia Panik yang udah super lama, gua udah lulus SMP, dapet beasiswa ke SG, berangkat ke SG, dan sekarang posisinya gua udah tinggal di sini 6 bulan. Hidup gua banyak ups and downs dan banyak cerita yang mau gua share, tapi ga tau mulai darimana. Oke.

Sebenernya gua lagi bosen. Gua lagi libur habis selesai mid year exam (MYE) dan jujur gua ga tau mau ngapain. Singapur itu kecil banget dan kayaknya gua udah jelajahin semua tempat. Gua bukan anak mall, jadi   baru pergi ke Orchard 5-6 kali selama 6 bulan di SG menurut gua udah cukup ngebosenin. Toh lu ga bisa beli apa-apa. Kalo nyoba baju, yang ada gua makin nyesek karena gua terlalu cipe untuk keluarin duit seberapa pun buat beli baju, atau, sadar kalo bajunya ga muat dan gua terlalu gemuk buat baju itu. Bye.

Di sini gua agak stres, stres BANGET malah. Ga tau ya... kayak... apa yang gua lakuin kayaknya ga cukup. Entahlah. Semua orang udah bilang kalo ntar gua ke SG, pasti lu ngrasa orang-orang sekitar lu itu jenius mati dan lu tuh upil. Pertama gua ga percaya dan nyoba jadi orang optimis and tell myself kalo I will be one of those people whom others look up to. Tapi kenyataannya, gua upil.

Oke ini curcol setelah gua dapet sebagian hasil MYE gua KEMAREN. Matematik gua okelah ya A1, I expected that. Cuman humanities gua itu loh (History & Social Studies), ANCUR GILA. Bego banget lagi salahnya sialan deh GUA SALAH BACA SOAL (atau salah jawab soal, take it whatever you want). Sistem di SG itu sialan banget, lu belajar teori bahannya BANYAAAAAAAAK banget tapi yang keluar cuman berapa soal sodara-sodara? Dua.

Nah kalo lu salah satu aja ya nilai lu di deduct nyaris separo dan itu yang buat gua kesel setengah idup. Gua udah nyicil sejak jaman kapan ga tau deh woi tapi gara-gara itu soal yang keluar gua nyaris FAIL. Mungkin buat orang yang sangat pengertian akan sistem nilai di IJ, dia bakal pat me on the back and say: "Untung ga fail lah med". Tapi sebagai seorang GUA yang benci kalah (in this case, not fulfilling your own expectations), gua berasa gagal. Gua jadi pesimis entah kenapa. Pas term 1, nilai gua tuh oke. Pas ngliat hasil term 2 yang turun begini, gua jadi pesimis. Ntar gua O Level gimana nasibnya. Stres deh.

Entah kenapa gua ngrasa effort yang gua put for the exams ga sebanding dengan hasilnya. Gua udah rajin setengah mati dan menurut pengamatan gua yang (mungkin) akurat, gua lebih rajin dari sebagian besar anak-anak sini. Bukannya nyombong, tapi gua emang orangnya begitu, prepare pas lu bisa, ga suka mepet-mepet baru belajar. Tapi entah kenapa untuk humanities, hasil gua lebih jelek dari mereka yang waktu belajarnya lebih sedikit dari gua. Sekarang gua skeptical, apakah gua telah waste my time for something not worth it.

Apa method belajar gua yang ngaco, apa gua yang ga bisa ngurus waktu, ga tau lah. Gua kecewa sama diri gua sendiri dan kayaknya cuman blog gua yang ngerti (atau mendengar). Gua ga bisa cerita ke temen gua di Indo karena mereka ga akan ngerti kondisi nya disini. Lagipula gua ngrasa kita udah ga punya common things to talk about these days and it keeps us distant. Yah but I can't help it. And they can't help it. We have our own lives now and it seems implausible to even think that I can still be their friend whom they can confide in, or in this case, I can confide to. Gua ga bisa cerita sama temen gua di sini, karena mereka usaha mereka berbuah, dan gua ngga. Gua udah cerita ke mami, tapi kayaknya dia juga ga ngerti gimana rasanya. Gua ga bisa cerita ke koko, karena masalah jarak. Entahlah, gua ngrasa hidup di SG artinya lu harus bisa bener-bener mandiri dalem ngadepin masalah pribadi.

Cukup soal pelajaran. Sekarang soal temen. Dulu hidup gua di Sanur sangat amat bahagia. Sekolah cewek semua tapi gua ga masalah. Gua enjoy banget hidup gua di Sanur. Tugas-tugasnya berat, dan kadang lu harus tidur malem. Tapi gua selalu ngrasa semangat tiap kali bangun pagi buat ke sekolah. Gua semangat mau ketemu temen-temen gua, dan ada beberapa pelajaran yang bener-bener gua tunggu-tunggu tiap minggunya. Gurunya ada yang seru, dan sekolah di sekolah cewek tuh ga seburuk yang orang-orang bayangin. Gua belajar hidup mandiri, dimana lu ga butuh cowok di hidup lu dan ga ada drama orang pacaran putus nyambung. I found my bestfriends there, dan gua bisa share anything I want tentang topik-topik ga jelas yang seru. Gua berasa Sanur itu rumah kedua gua. Walaupun jujur, kita ga banyak ngadain cup or big school events whatsoever, tapi bagi gua Sanur itu sekolah yang ga akan pernah gua seselin masuk.

Nah, karena gua berasal dari sekolah cewe semua, gua pikir gua akan mengalami hal yang sama di SG. Sekolah gua di SG juga cewe semua, dan gua berharap gua bisa jadiin sekolah ini jadi something I look forward to in the morning. Tapi kenyataannya ngga. Entah kenapa ada "gap" between scholars sama Singaporeans. Mungkin karena kendala bahasa jadi gua ga gitu ngerti jokes mereka, tapi menurut gua, apa yang mereka find as interesting itu ga seberapa interesting buat gua. Mungkin alesan lainnya ya karena gua ga gitu ngerti kalo mereka lagi ngomongin guru yang udah ngajar mereka 2 taun belakangan ini, tapi hal-hal lain juga menurut gua ga begitu appealing to talk about.

Satu hal yang gua kangenin dari Indo itu music life gua. Disini gua berharap gua bisa gali passion gua lebih dalem lagi, tapi ya namanya tinggal di hostel, lu ga bisa berbuat banyak. Dulu di rumah gua bisa latian biola dua jem lamanya. Ngulang tangga nada sampe tangan rasanya mau patah dan kuping panas saking bosennya. Tapi di sini gua super sungkan kalo latian tangga nada lebih dari 10 menit. GILA GA. Guru Indo gua aja bilang kalo mau latian tangga nada harusnya SATU JEM. Percaya deh, gua sendiri sebel kalo disuruh latian tangga nada, tapi gua sadar kalo tangga nada itu bener-bener necessary buat improve lu main lagu-lagu lain. Nah gimana gua mau bagusin tangga nada kalo latian ga bisa lama-lama? Ga ada orang yang komplen sih selama ini, cuman gua ya sadar kalo tangga nada emang annoying, dan gua ga mau orang jadi sebel kalo tiap kali gua latian. Coba di hostel ada ruang musik soundproof  yang bisa gua pake seenak jidat. Dunia akan sedikit lebih indah.

Gua juga ngarep kalo di sini gua bisa join orkes. Tapi kenyataannya orkes youth nya SG ga buka pendaftaran dan website nya seakan-akan ditelantarin ga diupdate lagi. Gua berasa passion musik gua perlahan-lahan menguap. Di Indo gua cinta banget sama hari Minggu karena gua bisa latian TYO. Walaupun lagunya terus diulang-ulang sampe bener-bener nguasain (kadang-kadang setaun bisa cuman 2 lagu), tapi gua berasa "idup" in that sense. Gua ngrasa punya life purpose dimana gua bisa tampil di panggung as a result of gua ngeles tiap minggu. Gua paling seneng kalo orang apresiasi talent gua dan gua bisa share the joy to those who are listening to my music. Di Indo gua punya banyak banget temen 'ngamen'. Kalo kenal satu, pasti dikenalin yang lain, kenal sama A B C D E trus ntar diajak ngamen di mana-mana dan hasilnya juga lumayan. Ga seberapa sih, tapi gua seneng aja kalo biola bisa dijadiin side job lu selain belajar sekolah. Gua bener-bener bisa sharing sama temen-temen orkes gua dan kadang-kadang kita share teknik-teknik dan lagu-lagu bagus. Kita nonton konser bareng dan discuss so many stuff. Di hostel, gua ga bisa share ke siapa-siapa. Ya ada beberapa orang memang yang bisa gua ajak ngomong soal musik, tapi yang serius di klasik cuman bisa diitung pake jari di satu tangan. Gua udah nyoba "ngidupin" lagi gemuruh gelora musik gua dengan duet bareng Wece, dan IT REALLY HELPS. Tapi itu cuman ngidupin beberapa minggu doang dan setelah gua selesain lagunya, gua ngrasa hampa lagi. Sekarang gua belum nemu lagu lain yang bisa dipake buat duet dan gua ngrasa sangat...amat... mati.

Gua ga pernah ngerasa bosen di Indo. Kalo liburan pasti gua jalan sama temen gua, atau gua jalan sama mami. Life has never been really boring. Kadang gua bahkan korek-korek game lama gua macem PS1 dan nglanjutin Harvest Moon gua yang udah super kaya sampe bosen, tapi itu seru. Gua bisa ke mangdu trus beli kaset bajakan. Gua bisa nonton TV (OH GOD HOW I MISS MY TV CABLE) dan nonton marathon America Next Top Model yang sebenernya abal tapi tetep gua tonton karena gua demen fotonya. Atau ngulang nonton Glee yang jalan cerita nya lama-lama pathetic tapi tetep aja gua tonton. Gua bisa download lagu ngehit jaman sekarang karena gua ngikutin MTV Chart Attack tiap kali di TV. Gua bisa nonton award-award luar negeri yang biasanya air live di TV. Gua bisa ke Dufan tiap kali kelar ulum bareng temen-temen Sanur dan ga pernah bosen naik wahana yang itu-itu aja dan super ga aman karena harness nya kadang-kadang longgar. Lu tetep mau naik walaupun chance lu mati bisa 30%. Lu tetep naik arung jeram walaupun lu tau airnya super jorok. Gua bisa makan es krim Magnum kapan pun gua mau karena harganya cuman 8 ribu. (Di sini 8 dolar. Sinting ga) Gua bisa makan makanan masakan mami yang super enak dan ga ngebosenin walaupun udah diulang-ulang selama 15 taun. Gua bisa makan KFC tiap minggu karena harganya cuman 15 ribu (Disini 6 dolar. Sinting juga). Gua bisa nonton bioskop dengan harga 35 ribu (Di sini 12 dolar, mending gua makan enak). GUA BISA SEMUANYA.

Lalu apa yang bisa gua lakukan disini? Makan, nonton film-film lama di LAPTOP (mana seru coba. Enakan juga pake home theater) , berenang (oke ini gua admit salah satu poin positif di SG. Kolam renangnya gede trus kinclong trus cuman bayar LIMA PULUH SEN. Wow), baca novel, latian biola, internetan. Sekian. Hampa gila hidup gua. Gua udah agak bosen dengan makanan hostel yang itu-itu aja. Terutama sayurnya ya Tuhan, kuning-kuning ijo sangat tawar... Kalo ada mami, sayurnya bisa dikombinasiin sama telor lah sama tomat lah, sama yang lain-lain deh, jamur kek apa kek. POKOKNYA ENAK. Trus di sini gua
 juga jarang make internet buat main karena gua juga udah meninggalkan kehidupan fangirling gua yang lama. Pokoknya semenjak gua di SG gua udah ga pernah buka lagi fansite 1D. Gua udah ga nge-save in foto-foto mereka lagi dan sedihnya, GUA GA SENGAJA NGEHAPUS LAGU MEREKA DARI IPOD. Kalo download lagi kok agak males ya soalnya banyak yang di banned sama Google. Jadi gua ga ada penyemangat idup lagi dan Liam udah agaknya hilang dari hidup gua. Sekarang gua ga ngefans sama siapa-siapa lagi dan gua berasa jadi jomblo ngenes. Agaknya dulu Liam bener-bener jadi sesuatu yang bisa gua ga bosen di sekolah cewe HAHAHA.

Gila gua mulai ngomong ga jelas sekarang *bitch please face*. Tapi sebenernya gua ga regret sih pergi ke SG. Cuman gua lagi fase stres aja sekarang jadi segala-galanya tampak mengerikan dan menyebalkan. I have to admit that I have LOTS of things to be thankful in my life for the past 6 months, but I just can't seem to do that right now. Definitely not after all those MYE results *pie sigh*. Mungkin kalo gua mood gua bisa cerita tentang happy moments gua di SG. Tapi ga sekarang. Oke gua capek ngetik udah dua jam. BYE! *click publish*


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Usia Panik

Udah lama gua ngga update blog ini. Ada 2 alasan, karena gua males, dan ngga ada topik.

Tapi kawan-kawanku... saya menemukan topik cemerlang yg sedang hangat-hangat nya terjadi di kalangan anak Sanur Pos, yaitu UP (baca: u-pe) alias usia panik.

Jadi usia panik itu adalah usia, dimana kita seharusnya PANIK!! Karena... kita tidak mempunyai jodoh. Dan usia panik ini melanda di jajaran anak-anak kelas 9 taun ini.

Sebagian dari kita memang udah ada yg punya pacar. Bahkan ada yang pas kelas 7 langsung dapet pacar. Ada juga yang dari SD punya pacar, naik ke SMP putus, eh trus kelas 8 digaet cowo. Yahh banyak dah jenisnya.

Menurut gua pribadi, kita masih umur 14-15 taun. Umur masih sebiji jagung. Belum waktunya buat panik-panikan lah cari cowo. Buat apa sih, nyari-nyari. Buat gua jodoh itu ngga dicari, tapi emang ketemu sendiri.

Karena sebagian besar cewe-cewe Sanur itu, sangat terkucilkan dari dunia laki-laki. Bagus kalo ada yang punya koko di CC. Setidaknya dia ujung-ujungnya dikenal sama beberapa anak CC.Bagus kalo ada yang aktif di gereja / lingkungannya. Banyak anak cowo sepantaran disitu. Bagus kalo ada yang punya tetangga seumuran. Bagus kalo ada yang ngga les privat, banyak temen cowo dari sekolah lain. Bagus kalo mereka punya channel-channel begitu. Masalahnya, sebagian besar ngga.

Trus apa akhirnya? Temen-temen gua banyak yang kenalan sama anak CC lewat twitter-facebook. Ketemu... yahhh paling cuma 1x - 3x. Tuker-tukeran pin BB. Trus ya udah deh jadian. Bukannya gua lagi nguliahin kalian-kalian yg jadian sama cowo dengan cara begini, tapi menurut gua, ini nonsense. 

Kita ngga kenal sepenuhnya, siapa yg jadi cowo kita itu. Bisa aja dia di depan kita baik-baik, taunya dia berandalan di sekolah. Kita ngga tau dia pinter atau ngga di sekolah, ranking berapa, anak jenius atau males. Kita ngga tau orang tuanya dan cici-koko-ade nya kayak apa. Kita ngga tau apa-apa tentang dia. BLAS. Kita cuman tau yang bagus-bagus, kulitnya doang, yang dia kasih liat ke kita, cewe-cewe, supaya kita sayang sama dia. Menurut filosofi koko gua, dan akhirnya menjadi pegangan hidup gua juga, bahwa Love at First Sight does not exist. Lust at First Sight does. -Cinta pandangan pertama itu tidak ada. Yang ada nafsu pada pandangan pertama.-

Kalo dipikir-dipikir, bener juga loh temen-temen. Coba kalo kita liat aktor ganteng di TV. Kita selalu ngotot, kita jatuh cinta pada pandangan pertama. Tapi tau ngga, sebenernya yg kita suka dari diri aktor itu, ya cuman mukanya, plus paling ke so sweet an nya sama lawan mainnya, which is only acting. Jadi jelas banget kalo apa yg kita sukain itu "kulit"nya doang.

Sayangnya, itulah pandangan hidup bagi laki-laki seumuran kita. Mereka cuman ngliat muka kita doang. Buktinya, liat temen2 kita yang paling pertama-pertama jadian. Ngga ada yg jelek kan? Semuanya cantik, kulit mulus, tinggi, dan mungkin...(ini bukan faktor utama): kaya. Mereka ngga liat inner beauty kita. Mereka ngga liat, seberapa kita rajin, pinter, juara. Mereka ngga peduli. Yang mereka peduliin itu sebenernya cuman satu, status. Mereka bangga kalo udah punya pacar. Apalagi pacarnya anak Sanur, cantik lagi. Kesannya keren dan jadi cowo kece. Cowo populer.

Akhir-akhir ini, akibat virus UP yang melanda sekolah, banyak, banget, temen2 gua yang jadian seketika. 2 bulan terakhir ini, yang jadian itu bisa.... 5-7 anak. Banyak banget! Dan jadiannya pasti sama anak CC. Itu yang ga gua suka. Kenapa anak CC harus dijodohkan dengan anak Sanur? Kenapa itu seakan-anak jadi kodrat Ilahi yang tidak terbantahkan. Trus yang gua ga setuju adalah, mereka jadian sama cowo seumuran. Menurut orang-orang yg lebih berpengalaman sih, katanya kalo anak cewe, jadian itu sama cowo yang kurang lebih 3 taun di atasnya. Ini menyangkut masalah maturity sama persoalan pernikahan. Tentang cowo bisa cari kerja 3 taun lebih cepet dari cewe.

Alasan lain kenapa gua sama sekali ngga UP walaupun temen2 main gua semua udah jadian, yaitu bahwa menurut gua, pacaran umur sekarang ngga bakal jadi juga. Ngga bakal dibawa sampe kawin. Paling buat mainan doang, pengen ngrasain gimana rasanya pacaran.

Dan alasan pribadi gua adalah, yang gua yakin sebagian besar ngga setuju, bahwa pacaran itu bikin borju, ngabisin waktu, ngrusak mata (sibuk smsan / bbman), pelajaran keganggu, dan.. kalo putus malah patah hati. Repot.

Jadi hai jiwa-jiwa muda yang masih single, stay proud being single. Walaupun ngenes, ya udah. Kalo ngga ditembak pas Valentine taun depan, ya udah. "To the singles out there, this is our year" -Kurt Hummel

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