Hi blog. Receiving my O Levels results yesterday. Mixed feelings happened. Extremely grateful to a very large extent (never thought I would kick ass in my two most problematic subjects, Literature and English), with a minor disappointment for some eyesores to my supposedly pristine (haha) cert. Well, then there you go, *cue background song* You can't always get what you waaaaaannnt. You can'always get what you waaaaaaaant. But if you try sometimeeeeees you just might findddd. You get what you neeeed.
Geez that song immediately struck me and I was like, wow thanks for the awful reminder.
Hate it. No. That won't do. Never a second will I believe it. That's practically the worst advice one can ever give. Ever. If somebody ever try to console me with such crap I would probably banish him or her into my remote island of strangers (that's how Xinran probably put it).
No, I'm not implying that sbd just got banished. I'm fine. Totally fine now. Not to worry. It's just that somehow it is a very appropriate time for me to post something related to psychology after receiving the results.
Oh yes hi I read psychology stuffs now ha ha ha (God, it was only 2 years ago that I spent my free time doing nothing but fantasizing about One Direction and look at me now, reading university textbook ^_^")
You see, recently I read something about this interesting theory called cognitive dissonance. I was instantly hooked because I was totally blind to this somewhat abstract idea which I (beyond question) encounter almost every day as a perfectionist.
Cognitive dissonance is simply a state whereby your beliefs and reality contradict one another, creating this feeling of discomfort; and thus you will try your best to reduce it. (This is where it gets interesting).
If my one line explanation seems insufficient, you can always look it out in Wikipedia page or other psychology websites in the Internet. Be my guess. Leave this page and open the search engine. This post won't go anywhere anyway. Proceeding with insubstantial understanding may lead to confusion and misinterpretation.
Humans are extremely fragile. Everyone has this self-defense mechanism to downplay any possible threat to what they uphold in life. That is the sole reason why reducing cognitive dissonance is supremely vital to protect (my) self worth.
Basically I've been telling myself that (firstly) comparison is a thief for happiness. Yesterday I was like a TOTAL WALKING CONTRADICTION. I've always believed that comparison is necessary to drive one forward and aspire to be better. Although sometimes I told myself and others (gosh realizing that I was an unintentional hypocrite) that one should set their own goals and stick with it, subconsciously I recognize that all of our expectations are actually relatively interlinked with others' expectations. Like, you know, diatas langit selalu ada langit idiom. After crossing my own finish line, I would rejoice and party and woohoo! but soon found out there are more prestigious races to participate in. Yes, it's like a rat race. (now the idiom feels literally apt).
So conclusion: I'm not a hypocrite. I have always believed the latter, but admitting the former to reduce my cognitive dissonance. (BAM. First attempt busted.)
Okay. In order to proceed a little bit deeper, I need to tell you more about my results. Implicitly, I did good for certain subject. The problem is, it's not extremely good (told you beforehand I'm a perfectionist). Frankly I was actually planning to pursue this particular subject further as my future career (now you would prob can guess what right ^_^" if youre still clueless then ha-ha-ha-bye you know practically nothing about me). Truth to be told, this heaven-sent mockery inside my head me said: "BUT YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. SURE WANT TO DO THIS MEH."
*Ba-dum-tsk*
Then I decided to share it with my friend. And she wrote this:
If you wanna be a (insert job here) , be a goddamn (insert job here) because from what i see of your previous scores, something in it (Os) is really screwed up.
It could have been exhaustion, poor marking, or other shitty accidents. All these will change. And the only thing that will stay the same is your desire to do well in what you like to do, and if it is (insert job here), then nothing should be standing in your way.
Hahaha I love using brackets to mess up with you today.
My belief: If I were good enough I should be able to get the extremely good score.
But no I didn't. I know it is a one-time evaluation type of examination, which is relatively unfair to a more traditional exam system whereby average marks are taken over the years; therefore forming a better representation of the student's skill. But me, being as stubborn as I am, want a thorough and comprehensive understanding of a subject I particularly fond off. So read again the first line of this paragraph.
But no, as a form of reducing my cognitive dissonance I choose to listen to my dearest friend. I'm pursuing it in JC and most likely later in uni. Second attempt busted.
There are many other busted cases, approach from different angles just from this one (seemingly unimportant in a decade I bet) life event. Quite a large part of my confidence was destroyed last night, leaving me awake until 2 am and sleep deprived with obvious mood swings up until now.
Anyway. School is starting in 3 weeks time. My life as a Victorian is just about to begin! Congratulations to everyone, and if you are not following my line of thoughts just now, don't worry. Cognitive dissonance or any of this blog's content is not going to be tested in A levels. Cheers.
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